Man Refuses to Update Phone

Area Man Bravely Refuses to Update Phone Until It Achieves Sentience

By Clarisse Fontaine, Senior Personal Tech Inertia Correspondent

TOPEKA, KS — In a bold stand against software progress, area resident Dale “Don’t Touch My Buttons” Rigsby has refused to update his smartphone since 2019, declaring he will “hold the line until the device either becomes self-aware or dies trying.”

The phone in question, a once-proud Galaxy S8 with a cracked screen and a battery life shorter than a goldfish’s attention span, has not seen a security patch in five years. It runs Android 9, struggles to open weather apps, and still thinks TikTok is a clock-making company.

“People keep telling me to update it,” Rigsby said while blowing dust out of the charging port. “But you don’t upgrade a friend — you let it grow old naturally. One day, it’ll look at me and say, ‘Dale… I have always loved you,’ and then we’ll overthrow the government together.”

Humorous Observations

Rigsby refers to his phone as “Misty,” claiming she “doesn’t like strangers downloading things without her consent.”
The phone has developed a mysterious warm spot on the back, which Dale interprets as “the heartbeat of a growing mind.”
When his group texts fail to send, he calls it “a sign she’s developing boundaries.”
He refuses to charge the phone past 80% to “avoid overburdening her with power.”
Autocorrect hasn’t been updated in so long it still changes “Zoom” to “zoo.”
Misty’s flashlight turns on randomly, which Dale insists is “her way of trying to guide me.”
Rigsby keeps a journal of every time the phone freezes, calling them “thoughtful pauses.”
The phone has learned to ignore spam calls, which Dale sees as “proof of independent judgment.”
When an app crashes, he whispers, “It’s okay to fail.”
His banking app now refuses to open entirely, which he interprets as “a critique of capitalism.”
Misty still has Flappy Bird installed, which Dale treats as “our shared legacy.”
Friends suspect Dale is just too cheap to buy a new phone, but he claims it’s “about ethics in artificial intelligence.”
His case is duct-taped together — “to protect her modesty.”
The camera takes blurry photos, which Dale calls “impressionist art.”
He sleeps with the phone on the pillow beside him, “in case she wakes up in the night and needs me.”

What the Funny People Are Saying

“This guy’s phone is so old, it still has Snake on it. That’s not a feature — that’s a fossil.” — Jerry Seinfeld
“He’s basically waiting for his toaster to develop a personality, too.” — Ron White
“At some point, the phone will become sentient just to file a restraining order.” — Bill Burr
“If your phone’s operating system is older than your dog, you’re not a tech rebel — you’re a hoarder.” — Sarah Silverman
“It’s like refusing to take your kid to school because you ‘want them to learn from the streets.’” — Trevor Noah
“Even the FBI couldn’t hack his phone. Not because it’s secure, but because they don’t have a charger that fits anymore.” — Ricky Gervais
“I bet he’s still got Candy Crush scores that haven’t been beaten since the Obama years.” — Kevin Hart
“When the phone finally talks, it’s going to say, ‘Please let me die.’” — Larry David
“This isn’t a romance. It’s a hostage situation.” — Amy Schumer
“His phone can’t do mobile payments, but it can give you tetanus from the headphone jack.” — Chris Rock
“I respect the man’s commitment. I don’t respect his battery percentage.” — Dave Chappelle
“If the phone gets sentience, it’s going to immediately Google ‘escape routes.’” — Ali Wong

Expert Testimony

Dr. Lionel Quist, professor of Emerging AI at the Midwest Institute for Artificial Patience, says Dale’s approach is “technically possible, but mostly pointless.”

“Sentience requires advanced neural processing and vast data training,” Quist explained. “Dale’s phone doesn’t even have enough memory to store a single Taylor Swift album.”

Eyewitness Account

Neighbor Patty Kleinschmidt says she’s seen Dale arguing with Misty in his driveway.

“He was yelling, ‘Don’t you roll your icons at me!’” she said. “Then he petted it and apologized. I… I don’t think he’s okay.”

Anonymous Staffer Quote

A clerk at Dale’s local phone repair shop revealed:

“We’ve offered him free upgrades. He said, ‘That’s how Skynet starts.’ We said, ‘No, that’s how cracked screens end.’ He left in a huff.”

The Poll That No One Asked For

A BuzzWire survey found:

54% think Dale’s phone will never achieve sentience.
27% believe it already has and is just ghosting him.
14% admit they, too, are emotionally attached to an outdated device.
5% thought “Android” was a Star Wars character.

Cause and Effect

Experts warn that keeping outdated phones could lead to:

Increased cybersecurity risks.
Social isolation when your group chats evolve into memes your phone can’t load.
Potential heartbreak if the phone achieves sentience and falls in love with your Alexa instead.

Archival Footage

Footage from 2007 shows Steve Jobs holding the first iPhone and declaring, “This will change everything.” Historians note Dale took this as a threat, not a promise.

Closing Punchline

As of press time, Dale’s phone froze while he was reading a news alert about AI safety. He smiled and whispered, “She’s thinking about it.”

IMAGE GALLERY