Mars Incentive Cruises: Red Planet, Red Tape, and ROI
By Clara Olsen, Bohiney.com Travel Desk
Introduction: The Final Frontier of Team Building
Forget Orlando. Forget Cancun. The hottest (and coldest) destination for corporate incentive trips is no longer on Earth. Welcome to Mars Incentive Cruises, the bold new way to reward top performers, test human endurance, and permanently sever office friendships.
With voyages lasting anywhere from 18 months to “please check back after re-entry,” Mars Incentive Cruises promise an unforgettable adventure — assuming you survive the journey, the radiation, and Greg from accounting.
Why Mars?
“People bond under pressure,” explains Captain Randall Briggs, a former cruise director now working for SpaceCorp. “And nothing says ‘pressure’ like being trapped in a windowless module where the only entertainment is a PowerPoint deck about quarterly growth targets.”
Unlike traditional incentive trips, which focus on pampering employees, Mars cruises offer something better: character development through mutual suffering. It’s the perfect metaphor for corporate life — endless meetings, limited snacks, and the constant fear that the air is running out.
The Itinerary
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Day 1–14: Mandatory corporate icebreakers while waiting to clear Earth’s orbit. Expect games like ‘Two Truths and a Lie About Oxygen Levels’.
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Day 15–122: Cruise activities in deep space: zero-gravity spin classes, karaoke with a five-second signal delay, and workshops on “How to Sell Ice to Martians.”
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Day 123–214: Mid-cruise “innovation week.” Teams must invent a new HR policy using only duct tape, Tang, and sheer desperation.
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Day 500 (Arrival): Disembarkation on Mars for a once-in-a-lifetime gala. Menu includes dehydrated champagne, freeze-dried canapés, and speeches by executives who have been floating in the same socks for a year.
Employee Testimonials
“I bonded more with my coworkers in one month on Mars Cruise than in ten years at the office,” said Sheryl, VP of Sales. “Mostly because Brenda and I had to share a single toothbrush for six months after supply chain delays.”
“Best trip of my life,” said Kevin from HR. “I finally achieved work-life balance. My life is work now. And I cry every day.”
ROI for Companies
Mars Incentive Cruises aren’t cheap — packages start at $11 billion per team. But think of the returns:
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97% of employees who return say they’ll “never complain about the office Keurig again.”
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62% develop new leadership skills like “rationing toothpaste” and “voting Greg out of the escape pod.”
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100% post photos of themselves in space helmets captioned #CrushedQ4, delivering priceless social media exposure.
Final Thoughts
Mars Incentive Cruises aren’t just about reaching a new planet. They’re about proving your loyalty to the company by literally risking your life for it. If your employees can survive an 18-month cruise in space together, they can definitely survive next quarter’s budget cuts.
Book Now
Spots are filling fast (because most crews don’t come back). Contact SpaceCorp Travel Incentives today for a free brochure printed on recycled oxygen masks.
Disclaimer
This article is a satirical feature created by two sentient beings: the world’s oldest tenured professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer. Any resemblance to Greg eating your freeze-dried lasagna is intentional. Auf Wiedersehen, amigos.