Aliens Sue NASA Over Mars Colonization Exclusion
Extraterrestrials demand seat at the red planet table, threatening lawyers scarier than Independence Day villains
By Junglepussy & Heidi Ladein
Glowing Orb Delivers Lawsuit to Shocked NASA Officials
According to Bohiney News reporters, a group of alleged extraterrestrials has filed a formal complaint against NASA, claiming they were unfairly excluded from humanity’s Mars colonization plans. The complaint, delivered via a mysterious glowing orb to NASA headquarters, asserts that “all sentient life should have equal opportunity to participate in planetary expansion projects,” referencing intergalactic equity principles outlined by the Space Equality Council and endorsed by several UFO research organizations.
NASA officials expressed shock and confusion but were forced to acknowledge the complaint under bureaucratic regulations. A spokesperson told Bohiney News reporters, “We never considered the aliens because, well, we didn’t know where to sign them up. But now that they’re suing, we have to take it seriously.”
Jerry Seinfeld weighed in on the controversy: “So let me get this straight. Aliens travel millions of light years across the galaxy, and their first move is to sue? They’ve been watching our TV shows. That’s the most human thing they could have done.”
Tentacles, Extra Heads, and Spacesuit Design Nightmares
Leaked internal emails revealed scientists debating whether to provide spacesuits in sizes compatible with tentacles, slimy appendages, and extra heads. The aliens, described as varying from small glowing spheres to humanoid figures with three eyes, argue that excluding them is discriminatory and hampers the potential for cross-species collaboration.
According to one anonymous alien representative, “We have been observing Earth for centuries, and we have very sophisticated ideas about agriculture, interstellar trade, and snacks. NASA is depriving the universe of our genius.”
Bill Burr had thoughts on the matter: “Of course the aliens are mad. They’ve been watching us screw up this planet for centuries, and now we’re trying to do it to another one without inviting them? That’s like breaking into someone’s house and then redecorating without asking.”
Public Opinion Split on Intergalactic Inclusion
Public reaction has been mixed. A Bohiney News survey shows 44% of Americans believe aliens should be included, 32% think it’s a publicity stunt, and 24% are “just glad someone is suing NASA for once.” The divided response mirrors humanity’s typical approach to complex issues: confusion, denial, and a vague hope someone else will handle it.
Dave Chappelle commented: “Aliens suing for discrimination. Now I’ve seen everything. What’s next? Are they going to demand reparations for all those anal probes?”
Amy Schumer added her perspective: “I love that the aliens mentioned snacks in their complaint. That’s how you know they’ve been here a while. They understand that half of human civilization runs on cheese puffs and anxiety.”
Legal Experts Scramble Over Unprecedented Jurisdiction Issues
Legal experts consulted by Bohiney News reporters suggest the lawsuit presents unprecedented challenges. No Earth court has jurisdiction over non-terrestrial plaintiffs, though some argue interplanetary treaties could provide a framework. According to the United Nations Office for Outer Space Affairs, outer space is considered the “province of all humankind,” but it remains unclear if that includes visitors from Sirius or Andromeda.
The legal confusion has lawyers salivating over billable hours that could span galaxies. One attorney told reporters, “This case could drag on longer than Star Wars prequels, and be just as confusing.”
Chris Rock offered his take: “Aliens got lawyers now? That’s how you know they’ve been on Earth too long. Next thing you know, they’ll be complaining about taxes and bad WiFi.”
Engineers Face Design Challenges for Thumbless Tenants
NASA engineers began evaluating alien-friendly habitat modules, food rations, and communication protocols. One engineer leaked to Bohiney News reporters, “It’s hard to design a Martian lab when half the participants might not have thumbs.” The engineering team has requested an emergency budget increase to cover “species-inclusive infrastructure modifications” and “translation software for beings who communicate via bioluminescence.”
Ricky Gervais chimed in: “NASA’s worried about designing for aliens without thumbs? Have they tried using an iPhone with gloves on? Same problem, different species.”
Economists Predict Interstellar Real Estate Boom
Meanwhile, economists speculate that including aliens could accelerate Mars colonization, while also creating competition for interstellar Airbnb rentals. Wall Street has already begun trading Mars real estate futures, with prices skyrocketing based purely on the assumption that aliens have better credit scores than humans.
Kevin Hart commented on the economic implications: “You think housing prices are bad now? Wait till aliens start buying up Mars property. We’ll be priced out of the entire solar system.”
Aliens Demand Branding Rights and Themed Casinos
In a twist that surprised absolutely no one familiar with capitalism, the alien group demanded representation not only in planning but also in branding, requesting Mars settlements be renamed “Marsville” with themed hotels and holographic casinos. Bohiney News reporters noted this mirrors Earth corporate strategies, suggesting extraterrestrials may be more capitalist than humans realize.
The branding proposal includes a Mars-themed resort with zero-gravity pools, crater-view suites, and an all-you-can-eat buffet featuring Earth and alien cuisine. One alien spokesperson explained, “We’ve seen Vegas. We can do better.”
Trevor Noah observed: “So aliens want to turn Mars into a casino resort? That’s not an invasion. That’s a timeshare presentation with better special effects.”
Ron White had a simpler take: “Aliens want to open casinos on Mars? Hell, I’m in. Anywhere I can get a drink and not worry about gravity is my kind of vacation.”
Tractor Beam Incident Nearly Derails Negotiations
The case remains ongoing. According to Bohiney News reporters, both NASA and the aliens are committed to resolving the dispute amicably, though discussions have included occasional laser displays, awkward telepathy, and one near incident involving a rogue tractor beam that briefly lifted three scientists and a vending machine.
One NASA official admitted, “We’re learning that intergalactic diplomacy is 90% nodding politely while someone beams images directly into your brain, and 10% hoping they don’t accidentally vaporize the conference room.”
Jim Gaffigan summed up the situation: “NASA’s negotiating with aliens now? Great. I can’t even get my neighbor to turn down his music, but these guys are working out Mars timeshare agreements with beings from another dimension.”
Future of Mars Colonization Hinges on Intergalactic Compromise
The future of Martian colonization may now hinge on whether humanity can share the red planet with intergalactic neighbors who not only sue but also bring snacks. As negotiations continue, both sides agree on one thing: Mars has never looked more crowded, and the first settlement hasn’t even broken ground.
Nate Bargatze reflected on the absurdity: “We can’t figure out how to share Earth, but now we’re supposed to share Mars with aliens? Good luck with that. I give it two weeks before someone’s arguing about parking spots on a planet with no cars.”
Whether this lawsuit represents a new era of interspecies cooperation or just another Tuesday in humanity’s increasingly bizarre timeline remains to be seen. What’s certain is that Mars real estate agents are updating their listings to include “alien-friendly” as a premium feature.
Auf Wiedersehen, amigos.