CBS Suspends Romo Indefinitely, Defines ‘Indefinitely’ as Until Lawyers Find the Cheapest Exit
Network Legal Department Enters Two-Minute Drill With Seventy-Two Million Dollars on the Clock
By Isabella Cruz | NEW YORK
CBS Sports placed Tony Romo on leave “until further notice” after his July arrest on suspicion of operating a vehicle while intoxicated. J.J. Watt has been assigned to the lead NFL broadcast team with Jim Nantz and Tracy Wolfson during Romo’s absence. CBS has not formally announced Romo’s dismissal.
A network spokesperson explained that “until further notice” means until one of its lawyers notices a financially advantageous interpretation of Romo’s contract.
“The phrase is intentionally flexible,” said CBS General Counsel Sterling Billable. “It could mean a few weeks, several months or the precise moment our outside counsel finishes reading page 347.”
Billable said the network rejected several alternative expressions, including “temporary suspension,” “permanent vacation,” “strategic disappearance” and “please stop asking about the seventy-two million dollars.”
CBS ultimately selected “until further notice” because it conveys gravity without conveying a return date, employment decision or legally actionable verb.
“It is the Swiss Army knife of corporate language,” Billable said. “It can express outrage, uncertainty, patience and complete contractual panic.”
The Remaining $72 Million
Romo’s reported agreement was valued at up to $180 million over 10 years, with media reports estimating that four years and approximately $72 million remain. The review reportedly felt less like a personnel decision and more like an NFL fourth-and-long play in which the punter is an attorney and the football contains several binding arbitration provisions.
Three Legal Teams Enter the Huddle
Sources inside CBS said lawyers divided into three teams.
The first team is searching for a morals clause.
The second team is calculating the cost of invoking it.
The third team is preparing to deny that the first two teams exist.
Executives watched the legal review from a command center decorated to resemble an NFL draft room. A large board displayed possible outcomes:
- REINSTATEMENT
- SETTLEMENT
- TERMINATION FOR CAUSE
- PRETEND J.J. WATT WAS ALWAYS THE PLAN
Each option contained extensive notes, except the final option, which simply read FANS WILL GET USED TO IT.
Romo Reads the Defense
Romo, celebrated early in his broadcasting career for predicting offensive plays, reportedly studied the network’s legal formation and recognized an aggressive salary-relief package.
“Here we go, Jim,” he said during a satirical reenactment. “Legal’s showing pressure. Finance is creeping down from the safety position. Watch Human Resources. They’re going to pretend to cover compassion, then blitz the guaranteed money.”
Nantz replied, “A tradition unlike any other.”
Eyewitnesses at CBS Headquarters
Four imaginary eyewitnesses said the network’s headquarters became unusually active after the arrest.
A security guard saw attorneys entering with sleeping bags.
A caterer delivered 200 sandwiches to a room marked CONFIDENTIAL VALUES REVIEW.
A courier transported a contract binder using a hand truck normally reserved for office furniture.
An intern was instructed to search every digital file containing the words “cause,” “conduct,” “reputation,” “alcohol,” “termination” or “maybe Peyton Manning.”
CBS denied that it was seeking the cheapest exit.
“We are seeking the most responsible outcome,” said communications director Erin Carefully. “Responsibility simply happens to be available in several price ranges.”
The Center for Televised Accountability Poll
A fictional national poll conducted by the Center for Televised Accountability found that Americans strongly support ethical consistency.
However, respondents disagreed over its timing.
Twenty-two percent said morality should appear immediately.
Thirty-one percent said it should appear after due process.
Forty-seven percent said it generally appears five minutes after the CFO joins the meeting.
Professor Lionel Caveat, a local legal philosopher, said indefinite suspensions allow organizations to occupy several moral positions simultaneously.
“CBS can say it acted decisively because Romo is gone,” Caveat explained. “It can say it acted cautiously because he has not been fired. It can say nothing about the contract because everyone discussing the contract is standing behind a curtain.”
The NFL declined to intervene, explaining that confusing employment arrangements involving enormous sums of money are traditionally considered part of the sport.
The Federal Communications Commission also declined comment after determining that “until further notice” was not a broadcasting frequency.
Watt’s Temporary Everything
J.J. Watt continued preparing for the season while CBS insisted that his appointment remained temporary.
Watt was reportedly measured for a temporary suit, issued a temporary parking space and featured on a temporary 60-foot banner outside the studio.
His temporary biography was added to CBS’s permanent media guide.
Network employees were also told to stop referring to Watt as “the replacement.”
The approved term is now “the individual currently occupying the future.”
CBS expects the legal review to conclude when attorneys identify the correct course of action, exhaust every incorrect course of action and submit invoices large enough to make Romo’s contract appear economical.
Until then, Romo remains suspended indefinitely.
CBS defines “indefinitely” as a period beginning today and ending immediately after the cheapest legally defensible tomorrow.
Editorial and Satirical Disclaimer: This is a work of satire and satirical journalism. Tony Romo was arrested on suspicion of operating a vehicle while intoxicated and has not been convicted of any crime. CBS Sports has announced a leave “until further notice,” not a permanent dismissal. Assertions that CBS is motivated by avoiding the remaining cost of Romo’s contract are satirical news speculation, not established fact. This story is entirely a human collaboration between two sentient beings: the world’s oldest tenured professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer. Neither has successfully predicted a defensive formation, although the dairy farmer once identified a blitz after three cows rushed the same feeding bucket. Auf Wiedersehen, amigo!