Trump and Cruz Promise Legislation to “Keep Texas Texas”
A Populist Promise to Preserve Texas Traditions: Salsa, Barbed Wire, and the Alamo
By Lone Star Loretta, Texan Heritage Correspondent
AUSTIN, TX—In a rally that drew cheers, cowboy hats, and the occasional moo from the crowd, former President Donald Trump and Senator Ted Cruz announced their commitment to passing legislation aimed at preserving Texas’ identity. Dubbed the “Keep Texas Texas Act,” the proposed laws promise to secure the state’s rural charm, populist spirit, and limited government ethos for generations to come.
“We’re going to keep Texas big, bold, and beautiful—just like me,” Trump declared to thunderous applause. “No state loves freedom like Texas, and no state does it better. Y’all invented barbed wire and brisket; we’re not letting anyone mess with that.”
Barbed Wire: The State’s Original Innovation
The first promise of the Keep Texas Texas Act was to enshrine barbed wire as a protected symbol of Texan ingenuity. “Barbed wire isn’t just a tool—it’s a lifestyle,” Cruz explained. The legislation includes provisions to ensure every rancher has access to affordable fencing materials.
“This is how we mark our land, our cattle, and sometimes even our arguments,” said rancher Billie Mae Cooper from Amarillo. “Barbed wire built this state, and it’s not going anywhere.”
A ceremonial roll of barbed wire was handed out to every attendee, prompting at least three minor injuries before medics stepped in.
Salsa Becomes a Fifth Food Group
Perhaps the spiciest part of the plan was the declaration of salsa as the state’s fifth official food group. “If it doesn’t make your eyes water, it’s not Texas salsa,” Trump joked while brandishing a jar of habanero-infused pico de gallo.
Texans, known for their culinary pride, were thrilled. “This is the recognition salsa has deserved for years,” said Maria Gomez, a salsa vendor from San Antonio. “We’ve been carrying chips and salsa in our purses like it’s our ID.”
The act also proposes grants for Tex-Mex restaurants and salsa competitions. Critics worry this could alienate fans of mild salsa, but Cruz was dismissive. “If you’re looking for bland, you’re in the wrong state.”
The Sacred Status of the Alamo
Few topics are as sacred in Texas as the Alamo, and the Keep Texas Texas Act promises to maintain its untouchable status. Trump called it “the most famous small building in the world,” while Cruz reminded everyone to “remember to remember it.”
As part of the initiative, a new line of bumper stickers will be released with slogans such as “Still Remembering Since 1836.” Souvenir shops at the site will also expand to include historically themed Whataburger stands. “Nothing says Texas history like a double cheeseburger with jalapeños,” said Alamo historian Buck “Remember This” Ramsey.
Football: The State Religion
In a move that felt inevitable, football was declared Texas’ unofficial state religion. The legislation calls for “Friday Night Lights” games to receive state funding, ensuring every high school has access to top-notch facilities. Coaches will now be referred to as “Reverends of the Gridiron,” and pregame prayers will include special blessings for touchdowns.
“Football isn’t just a sport here—it’s how we measure time,” said Odessa High coach Rusty McClellan. “Fall isn’t fall without screaming at referees on Friday nights.”
College football fans, meanwhile, are lobbying to include tailgating as a protected cultural activity. A proposed amendment would classify barbecue pits as “essential infrastructure.”
Tex-Mex as “The People’s Food”
Tex-Mex cuisine has been a staple of Texan culture for decades, and the legislation promises to preserve its legacy. “If you’re not eating a taco at least once a week, you’re doing life wrong,” Cruz proclaimed, flanked by a mariachi band.
As part of the act, Tex-Mex dishes will now be served at all state events, from inaugurations to jury duty lunches. “I can’t wait for tacos during jury selection,” said El Paso resident Margarita Reyes. “Justice has never tasted so good.”
Hats as Tax Shelters
One of the more peculiar promises in the act involves granting tax incentives for oversized cowboy hats. Under the plan, any hat larger than ten gallons will qualify as a property tax shelter.
“This is about protecting Texas culture and our financial well-being,” Cruz explained. “Your hat isn’t just an accessory—it’s an asset.”
Hatmakers across the state have already begun designing “real estate hats,” some so large they require building permits. “We’re calling it wearable property,” said milliner Dusty Tophat.
Larger Trucks, Larger Than Life
The legislation also guarantees funding for what Cruz called “bigger, badder, and more unnecessarily lifted trucks.” The state plans to subsidize research into truck designs that require ladders for entry.
“If your truck doesn’t make you feel like you’re conquering the world, are you even Texan?” asked Cruz, gesturing to a monster truck parked behind him.
Environmentalists expressed concern about the emissions from larger vehicles, but Trump dismissed them. “Texas isn’t about going green—it’s about going big.”
Gun Racks Stay Mandatory
Another cornerstone of the Keep Texas Texas Act ensures that gun racks remain a constitutional right. “Every Texan knows that a truck without a gun rack is just a sad sedan,” Cruz said.
The act also proposes decorative tax breaks for gun racks featuring intricate woodwork or patriotic carvings. “We’re not just protecting your rights—we’re protecting your style,” Cruz said.
Cattle Culture: The Moo-ocracy
The legislation also guarantees that cattle will continue to outnumber people, cementing Texas’ status as a “moo-ocracy.” The act includes funding for cattle welfare programs and a bronze statue of the state’s most famous cow, Bessie, who holds the record for producing the most milk in Texan history.
“Bessie represents everything we love about Texas: hardworking, reliable, and delicious when necessary,” Cruz said, raising his glass of milk to cheers from the crowd.
A Populist, Limited Government Vision
At its core, the Keep Texas Texas Act reinforces the principles of limited government, ensuring no legislation exceeds two pages in length. “If I can’t read it while riding a horse, it’s too complicated,” Cruz quipped, dramatically flipping through a single-page draft of the bill.
The act’s brevity has earned praise from libertarians and ranchers alike. “Finally, a government that understands less is more,” said Austin resident Colt Parker. “Except when it comes to steak sizes—then more is more.”
Step-by-Step Guide to Keeping Texas Texas
- Barbed Wire Revival
Ensure every rancher has access to affordable fencing, with an emphasis on rugged authenticity. - Salsa Protection
Enshrine salsa as a food group, with annual competitions to crown the “Spiciest Salsa in Texas.” - Tex-Mex Expansion
Mandate tacos at all state events, from legislative meetings to PTA fundraisers. - Cowboy Hat Tax Shelters
Provide incentives for oversized hats, encouraging both fashion and financial strategy. - Truck Subsidies
Fund research into larger, taller trucks that defy physics and common sense. - Football as Religion
Allocate resources to make Friday Night Lights an untouchable tradition. - Cattle Welfare
Protect the moo-ocracy by ensuring cattle always outnumber humans in Texas.
Final Thoughts: Can Legislation Really Keep Texas Texas?
The Keep Texas Texas Act has already been hailed as a legislative triumph by Trump supporters and Cruz allies. Critics argue that it’s more spectacle than substance, but for Texans, it seems to be striking all the right chords.
“This isn’t just legislation,” said Trump in his closing remarks. “It’s a promise to every Texan that their state will remain bold, big, and full of salsa.”
Cruz added, “We’re not just keeping Texas Texas. We’re making it even Texan-er.”
Disclaimer
This article was written in collaboration with a salsa vendor, a rancher’s barbed wire collection, and a mariachi band playing the Texas state anthem. Any resemblance to reality is purely coincidental—unless you’re eating tacos while driving a monster truck.
15 Observations on “Trump Promises Ted Cruz Legislation to ‘Keep Texas Texas!’ Results to Keep Texas Rural, Populist, and Limited Government”
- Trump assured Texans that barbed wire would remain a cornerstone of the state’s charm.
“No fence, no ranch,” he declared, coining a new slogan for the Texas tourism board. - Salsa will be officially declared the state’s fifth food group, joining brisket, Dr. Pepper, breakfast tacos, and fried everything.
“If it’s not spicy, it’s not Texas,” Cruz added while dousing his eggs with ghost pepper sauce. - The law guarantees the phrase “Y’all” will be protected under the First Amendment.
Linguists applauded the move, noting that “Y’all” is not only inclusive but downright friendly. - Hats larger than 10 gallons will now qualify as property tax shelters.
“It’s not a hat, it’s real estate,” Trump joked, adjusting a cowboy hat the size of a satellite dish. - Texas truck culture will receive federal funding to develop “bigger, badder, and more unnecessarily lifted” models.
“If your truck doesn’t require a ladder, are you even Texan?” Cruz asked rhetorically. - The Alamo will remain untouched and vigilantly protected, with legislation ensuring everyone remembers to “remember it.”
A new Alamo souvenir shop will sell bumper stickers that say, “Still Remembering Since 1836.” - Tex-Mex cuisine will receive constitutional protection as “the people’s food.”
Tacos will be required at every state event, including jury duty lunches. - Football will be elevated to the status of “State Religion,” with Friday Night Lights declared a sacred ritual.
High school coaches will now be referred to as “Reverend of the Gridiron.” - Every Texas porch will receive free rocking chairs as part of the “Stay Rural” initiative.
“There’s nothing more Texas than watching a sunset with a sweet tea,” said Cruz, who opted for lemonade instead. - The state will retain its unspoken rule that “the bigger, the better.”
Monuments, meals, and personalities must all exceed national size standards by at least 20%. - The cowboy boot industry will receive subsidies to ensure every Texan owns at least one pair.
Boot-snobbery will be encouraged, with a tax break for anyone wearing handmade leather. - Gun racks will remain a constitutional right and a decorative must-have in every home, truck, and church.
“No one’s taking our rifles or our aesthetics!” Trump shouted to roaring applause. - Whataburger will receive “heritage protection” status to guarantee its place as the official late-night meeting spot.
All drive-thru lines will now include live country music. - Cattle will continue to outnumber people, ensuring Texas remains the true “moo-ocracy” of America.
A bronze statue of the state’s most famous cow, Bessie, will be erected in Austin. - Limited government will be enforced by ensuring no legislation exceeds two pages.
“If I can’t read it while riding a horse, it’s not Texan enough,” Cruz said, dramatically flipping through a single-page bill.
