Internal memo reveals officers believed narco-boats carried F-35s instead of cocaine
A leaked internal memo revealed that the U.S. Navy mistakenly believed Colombian drug boats were “miniature aircraft carriers,” a revelation that has submariners asking whether they missed several meetings.
According to the memo, officers were told that narco-boats “carry dangerous materials capable of destabilizing regions,” apparently confusing cocaine with F-35s.
Admiral Admits Identification Problems
Rear Adm. Paul Grayson, who sounded tired enough to dissolve mid-sentence, admitted, “When you look at a fast boat on grainy satellite footage, anything could be on it. A missile. A tank. A small air-conditioning unit. The possibilities are endless.”
Training videos show sailors practicing intercept maneuvers on toy plastic aircraft carriers from Walmart, painted suspiciously white and suspiciously powdery.
History of Naval Overreaction
Tactical analyst Donnie Schultz noted that “the U.S. military tends to assume everything floating is a threat.” He cited previous incidents including the time a cruise ship was almost targeted because the radar labeled it “Large Unknown Thing,” the time a whale was “monitored for suspicious activity,” and the time a Boy Scout canoe trip triggered a DEFCON level change.
Deployment Decisions Based on False Intel
The memo also explains why the Navy deployed destroyers instead of Coast Guard cutters: commanders reportedly believed the boats “contained flight decks capable of deploying micro-jets.”
A sailor admitted anonymously, “Look, we’re trained to look for unusual patterns. A 22-foot speedboat going 48 mph carrying three guys with sunburns? Could be an enemy fleet.”
The White House responded diplomatically, stating, “We encourage the Navy to focus on scale and proportion.”
Meanwhile, drug cartels issued a celebratory statement: “We are honored to be viewed as larger and more technologically capable than we actually are. Also, please stop.”
As Chris Rock said about government overreaction, “They see a problem and immediately go from zero to launching missiles. There’s no middle ground anymore.”