Republicans Vote to Nuke Asteroid Shaped Like a Gender-Neutral Cigar
By Patriotic Aerospace Correspondent for Bohiney Magazine
“If it looks like a woke space object, talks like a woke space object, and flies in a way that confuses traditional masculinity—we nuke it.”
— Rep. Chuck Warhammer (R–Oklahoma), head of the House Committee on Celestial Threats and Insecure Masculinity
The Shape of Fear: A Cosmic Crisis
On Monday, a bipartisan NASA briefing quickly devolved into interstellar chaos when congressional Republicans learned that a fast-moving asteroid—officially designated CR-69 “Anomaly Nueve”—resembles a gender-neutral cigar.
According to mission data, the object is 1,200 feet long, unusually sleek, lacking binary orbital patterns, and “visibly non-conforming to typical asteroid norms.” But it wasn’t its velocity or gravitational wobble that alarmed conservatives—it was its ambiguity.
“It doesn’t have craters. It doesn’t have edges. We don’t even know what pronouns this thing uses!” shouted Sen. J.D. Vance, visibly sweating onto his “Freedom is Binary” necktie.
House Resolution 451: Operation Space Yeet
Within 48 hours, the GOP pushed through House Resolution 451, colloquially known as “Operation Space Yeet,” authorizing an immediate nuclear response to what they’ve called “The Woke Rock of Doom.”
Rep. Lauren Boebert declared:
“This is not about science. This is about culture. Our values are being vaporized by a flying, smooth space weenie.”
The Pentagon fast-tracked the launch of the FreedomPenetrator-7, a thermonuclear-tipped rocket shaped like the Washington Monument and programmed to shout “God Bless America” on impact.
Why Republicans Think the Asteroid Is Woke
Let’s review the Republican logic:
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Shape: It’s elongated, sleek, smooth, and “lacks the ruggedness of a traditional, God-fearing asteroid.”
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Behavior: It doesn’t spin like other asteroids. One GOP aide wrote in a leaked Slack message: “It twirls.”
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Non-Binary Orbit: It doesn’t conform to standard orbital gender roles, which has led some to accuse it of “astrofluidity.”
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Educational Threat: Florida school boards fear textbooks may be forced to include it as an “alternative asteroid lifestyle.”
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Appearance on MSNBC: Rachel Maddow’s segment titled “Maybe The Asteroid Just Needs to Be Seen” sealed its fate.
Tucker Carlson Returns from Retirement to Blame the Asteroid on Drag Queens
In an exclusive FoxStream Ultra+ broadcast, Carlson re-emerged from his Montana bunker to deliver a monologue titled:
“When Rocks Stop Being Rocks and Start Being Ideologies.”
“This isn’t a meteor. It’s a metaphor. They’ve come for your language, then your bathrooms, and now they want the asteroid belt.”
He ended the broadcast by shaving his head live on air, stating, “To align myself with traditional asteroid masculinity.”
Democrats Try to Block the Strike with a Poetry Slam
Meanwhile, House Democrats attempted to delay the launch by hosting a planetary-themed open mic night in the Capitol Rotunda. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez read a poem titled “Let the Asteroid Speak” while wearing earrings shaped like Saturn’s rings.
“This is not a threat. This is an interstellar whisper asking, ‘Do you even know me?’” she said through a lavender haze of incense and kombucha vapor.
Sen. Elizabeth Warren introduced a bill to create a Non-Binary Object Protection Program (NBOPP) but it was filibustered by Rand Paul quoting Ayn Rand in Klingon.
Military-Industrial Complex: “We Were Born For This”
Raytheon CEO Trip B. Lockjaw clinked glasses with defense officials while reviewing PowerPoint slides that featured clip art of missiles high-fiving each other.
“This asteroid has gifted us a trillion-dollar opportunity to enforce American values—galactically,” he said, handing out Nuke the Woke lapel pins.
Lockheed Martin has already launched branded merchandise:
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Freedom Bomb™ Plushies
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Anti-Woke Rocket Fuel (Now in Cherry Blast!)
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Nukes Before Neutrals™ Water Bottles
NASA Interns Caught in Crossfire
One anonymous Jet Propulsion Laboratory intern leaked this to Bohiney:
“We tried to tell them it’s just a rock, but then someone called it ‘androgynous’ and the next thing we know, we’re in a congressional hearing with a life-sized model of John Wayne.”
The intern was later demoted for referring to the asteroid as “they/them.”
Religious Leaders Debate Cosmic Doctrine
Evangelicals:
Franklin Graham insists the asteroid is a test of faith. “God made asteroids in His image. This one is clearly… experimenting.”
Catholics:
The Vatican held a closed-door session titled “On the Theological Implications of a Smooth, Vaguely Erotic Space Object.”
Scientologists:
Filed a trademark on “Gender-Neutral Cigar.” Tom Cruise has signed on to star in a biopic about the asteroid titled “Mission: Ambiguity”.
Harvard Weighs In, Then Is Defunded
The Harvard Center for Non-Binary Object Studies issued a statement defending the asteroid:
“This isn’t just a rock. This is an opportunity to explore cosmological fluidity.”
Congress immediately voted to pull all federal funding from Harvard and redirect it to a new Texas-based university called “Hard Rock U: Where Asteroids Are Men.”
Public Opinion: Split Right Down the Crater
A Bohiney/Red Wedge poll found:
What Should Be Done About the Gender-Neutral Asteroid?
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41%: Invite it to speak at the UN
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28%: Rename it “Dave” to ease tension
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15%: Nuke it, just to prove we still can
Meanwhile, Gen Z trended #AstroEnby on TikTok, with teens dressing up as the asteroid and whispering, “Am I hard enough for you now?”
What the Funny People Are Saying
“We’re launching a billion-dollar rocket at a glorified vape pen.”
— Ron White
“This is the first time Congress has unanimously agreed on something shaped like a dildo.”
— Sarah Silverman
“The asteroid identifies as smooth. Republicans identify as terrified.”
— Jerry Seinfeld
“It’s a flying rock that doesn’t commit to a side. You’d think the Senate would love it.”
— Trevor Noah
“We’re overcompensating so hard, this nuke might come with truck nuts.”
— Bill Burr
“Only America could look at a harmless space object and yell, ‘DO YOU EVEN LIFT?’”
— Ali Wong
Defense Contractors Already Planning Sequel
The military-industrial complex is already developing Operation Freedom Pebble™, targeting any future celestial objects deemed suspiciously non-masculine.
A leaked memo suggests future missions may be based on “astral vibes,” “masculine frequency alignment,” and “how much it looks like Clint Eastwood’s jawline.”
Final Words from the Asteroid
In a moment of true cosmic irony, the asteroid released a soft transmission on a frequency matching 528 Hz—often associated with healing.
Its only message:
“I contain multitudes. Also, chill.”
This signal was immediately jammed by the U.S. Space Force, which has rebranded its satellites as “Patriot Ears.”
Conclusion: Shoot First, Ask Feelings Never
In a nation divided by politics, class, and streaming platform preferences, the gender-neutral asteroid has managed to unite one side of the aisle in righteous paranoia. Whether or not it posed a real threat remains unclear.
What is clear, however, is that in America, ambiguity is the most dangerous thing of all—especially when it doesn’t identify as a Ford F-150.
IMAGE GALLERY
Interstellar Object
