Day Includes Free Cheeseburgers, No Fact-Checking, and Maximum Volume
Trump Declares National “Never Sorry Day,” Demands Citizens Celebrate by Posting Their Boldest Opinions Unfiltered
Day Includes Free Cheeseburgers, No Fact-Checking, and Maximum Volume
WASHINGTON, D.C. — With a flourish of a Sharpie and a side of fries, Donald J. Trump has signed an executive order establishing *Never Sorry Day*, a new national holiday meant to “celebrate the American right to be loud, wrong, and proud about it.”
Observed annually on July 3.5th (“Just before Independence, but with more seasoning,” Trump explained), the day encourages citizens to post their most unfiltered takes online while eating fast food and yelling at TVs.
“No apologies, no retractions, and absolutely no parentheses,” Trump bellowed, as supporters chanted “SPEAK FIRST, THINK NEVER!”
Public schools will replace morning announcements with student rants, and local governments are encouraged to erect inflatable bald eagles yelling, “Deal with it!”
Melania was asked how she planned to celebrate. “I don’t apologize anyway,” she said. “But maybe I tweet about how much I hate cucumbers.”
To promote the holiday, White Castle released a *No Regrets Slider Box*, and Twitter rebranded for the day as “Truth Cannon.”
“This is our new July tradition,” Trump said, placing a ketchup-stained hand on a miniature Constitution. “No fireworks, just fire takes.”
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SOURCES:
How to Be POTUS Without Reading Anything
and
How to Be POTUS Without Ever Apologizing
