Plan Includes Mandatory “You’re Doing Great” Sessions Before Debates
Trump Declares “Regret Is Fake News,” Proposes Replacing Congress With “Confidence Coaches”
Plan Includes Mandatory “You’re Doing Great” Sessions Before Debates
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a bold proposal to “Make Washington Feel Good Again,” Donald Trump declared that “regret is fake news” and suggested replacing Congress with “confidence coaches” tasked with boosting morale and eliminating all traces of self-doubt.
“These coaches will make sure no politician ever says sorry again,” Trump explained while holding a pep rally for a mostly empty chamber. “Before every speech, they’ll remind them, “You’re doing great. Don’t listen to those losers.'”
The plan includes daily motivational chants, personalized gold stars, and “blame redirection workshops” to perfect the art of shifting fault with flair.
Critics warn the plan undermines democratic accountability. Trump responded, “Accountability is overrated. What we need is more “You’re welcome.'”
Former Speaker Pelosi reportedly requested a session but was declined for “excessive humility.”
The White House announced plans for a “No Regret” app, coaching politicians to “press play on confidence, mute self-reflection.”
Supporters praise the initiative as “a revolution in emotional warfare.” Detractors call it “a clown car with no brakes.”
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SOURCES:
How to Be POTUS Without Reading Anything
and
How to Be POTUS Without Ever Apologizing
