Money Comes in Gold Bars and Copies of The Art of the Deal
Trump Launches “Apology Bailout Fund” for CEOs Who Accidentally Admitted Wrongdoing
Money Comes in Gold Bars and Copies of The Art of the Deal
NEW YORK, NY — In a bold bid to save America’s most vulnerable millionaires, Donald J. Trump announced the creation of the *Apology Bailout Fund*, a $4 billion reserve intended to rehabilitate CEOs who foolishly admitted fault, responsibility, or used the phrase “that was on me.”
“These men–these warriors–slipped,” Trump told reporters at the top floor of Trump Tower. “They said “sorry’ during earnings calls. They deserve redemption. They deserve…a golf weekend.”
The fund distributes aid not in cash, but in gold bars engraved with “No Regrets,” plus limited-edition hardbacks of *The Art of the Deal* with pre-highlighted deflection passages.
To apply, CEOs must prove they apologized in public and were immediately mocked by Reddit. “We can’t have leaders showing weakness–it rattles the stock market and scares the interns,” Trump explained.
Elon Musk reportedly applied but was denied for “insufficient shame.”
Melania has asked for a personal bailout, but was told it’s only for people “with real power and worse behavior.”
“This isn’t welfare,” Trump said. “It’s character insurance. And I’m the underwriter of American strength.”
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SOURCES:
How to Be POTUS Without Reading Anything
and
How to Be POTUS Without Ever Apologizing
