Wahhabi Think Tank Accidentally Rediscovers Joy, Promptly Declares Jihad on It

Scholars Discover Emotion During PowerPoint, Panic, and Attempt to Ban Smiling in All Time Zones

By: Imran Dullnoy, Senior Analyst in Gloom-Based Theology

Unthinkable Discovery at Riyadh Symposium: “We Felt…Something”

RIYADH — In what officials are calling a catastrophic lapse in religious discipline, a Wahhabi policy symposium held last Friday accidentally rediscovered **joy** while presenting a bar graph on “Global Trends in Frown Compliance.” The brief outbreak of emotion was met with widespread panic and a formal **declaration of jihad on happiness itself.**

“There was a ripple in the atmosphere,” said Dr. Khalid ibn Despair, who was in the audience when the incident occurred. “A junior cleric leaned forward and—God forgive me—smirked. That’s when the projector short-circuited. The graph bent. Then… a chuckle escaped.”

The Incident: Laughter Echoed, Morality Shook

Eyewitnesses say it began innocently—an intern accidentally used a **GIF** of a smiling camel in a PowerPoint slide titled *‘Modern Deviations in Facial Neutrality.’* The animation bounced. It winked. And then it was all over.

“One cleric snorted,” whispered a shaken attendee. “A full nasal exhale. The room fell silent… then someone else giggled. Next thing we knew, **joy** was in the air. We were spiritually naked.”

Immediate Response: Sirens, Sprinklers, Fatwas

The symposium’s emergency morality alarm was activated. Ceiling-mounted sprinklers released cold Zamzam mist. Clerics threw their turbans over their eyes. A fatwa was printed mid-laugh and flung like a ninja star across the room.

“We’ve trained for fire, flood, even female glances,” said Chief of Symposium Security, Sheikh Tufan ibn Meh. “But never for unfiltered emotion. It was biblical chaos.”

Humorous Observations from the Joy Emergency

• The camel GIF has been placed on theological trial for “animated irreverence.”
• All future presentations now use grayscale bar charts titled “Things That Are Sad.”
• The think tank’s coffee is now brewed with vinegar to suppress dopamine.
• Clerics wear ankle weights to reduce bounce when walking in hallways.
• New building policy: no smiling in elevators unless it’s ironic and remorseful.
• Any accidental grin must be followed by 33 muttered “Astaghfirullahs.”
• “Emotions detected” now flashes in red on all surveillance footage.
• AI facial recognition cameras have been recalibrated to auto-trigger sermons at eye twinkle.
• The break room has been replaced with a padded room labeled *“Reflection Chamber.”*
• The IT guy responsible for the GIF is now in beard-length rehabilitation.
• One cleric claimed to feel “lightness in his chest” and was immediately quarantined.
• Joy has been reclassified as a gateway drug to music, ice cream, and hope.
• The Ministry of Sadness is hiring. Applicants must submit a 10-year depression record.
• The Qur’an was quoted out of context by someone trying to defend joy. He was sent to “Hadith Jail.”
• Future think tank presentations now begin with a recitation of recent tragedies.

What the Funny People Are Saying

“They declared jihad on joy? Good luck fighting something you’ve never met.” — Jerry Seinfeld

“A smile in a Wahhabi think tank? That’s like finding jazz at a tax audit.” — Ron White

“They felt joy once, panicked, and banned the PowerPoint? I’ve been there.” — Sarah Silverman

“Only place where ‘emotional support’ is a sin.” — Kevin Hart

“They finally smiled and said, ‘Never again.’” — Amy Schumer

“The GIF of the camel did more damage than 100 books.” — Chris Rock

“They declared war on a GIF. Imagine what they’d do to Pixar.” — Bill Burr

“I’d join this think tank just to bring in puppies.” — Ali Wong

“Next symposium topic: ‘How to Frown with More Authority.’” — Trevor Noah

“Smiling banned? Hell is just this conference on repeat.” — Larry David

The Jihad on Joy: Official Decree No. 666-A

Shortly after the incident, the Grand Council issued **Fatwa 666-A**, declaring joy “an unregulated spiritual burst likely to lead to empathy, humor, and dangerous openness.”

The fatwa outlines guidelines for emotion management:

• Any upward mouth curvature must be medically justified.
• Children under 5 may smile briefly if supervised by three clerics.
• Jokes now require a 6-week review process and background checks.
• Laughter in sleep is grounds for dream censorship training.
• Spontaneous whistling is to be treated as an “emotional escape attempt.”

Institutional Reform: Joy Filters and Smug Management

The think tank announced several new internal systems:

• **J.O.Y. (Justified Observation of Yuckiness)** – software that removes levity from written reports.
• **SadPad™** – a breakroom console that simulates failure, rain, and traffic.
• **ClericCam™** – real-time footage of angry scholars reminding you why fun is bad.

Additionally, Friday sermons now begin with, “Let us frown together, brothers,” and end with group sighing.

Backlash from Scholars of Classical Islam

Moderate scholars responded swiftly. Imam Tariq al-Farahi stated, “The Prophet laughed. He told jokes. He raced his wife. This is not Islam. This is emotional flatlining.”

His video response—titled *“The Prophet Didn’t Hate Puppies”*—went viral, prompting the Wahhabi Council to ban puppies, the internet, and probably joy again, just to be sure.

The Think Tank Tries a Rebrand

Attempting damage control, the Wahhabi Research Institute has rebranded itself as **The Sad Scholars Syndicate (SSS)** with the motto: *“We Know It Hurts — That Means It’s Working.”* Their new logo is a wilting flower being stepped on by a sandal.

They now use a “4-Emotion Scale” during evaluations:

1. Frowning with purpose
2. Blank and suspicious
3. Sad, but holy
4. Smiling? Detained.

Global Reactions: Laughter Crosses Borders

In Lebanon, protestors formed a flash mob that danced to Pharrell’s *“Happy”* while dressed as anthropomorphic bar graphs. In Pakistan, activists launched the “Giggle for God” campaign, encouraging theological belly-laughs.

The Vatican released a short video of Pope Francis holding a puppy and smiling gently. The caption? *“Just letting them know we’re still winning.”*

Closing Statement from Think Tank Leader

Dr. ibn Despair concluded his press briefing with a warning: “This is not over. Joy is resilient. But so is frown enforcement. We must stay vigilant. There is nothing funny about our faith.”

He then tripped over a microphone cord and accidentally chuckled.

Immediately, a siren blared. Two junior scholars tackled him to the ground, reciting Qur’an verses while forcefully applying beard oil labeled “Emotion Neutralizer.”