Elon Musk Accused of Pronoun-Washing Meteorite for PR Boost
By Space Marketing Scandals Correspondent, Bohiney Magazine
“I gave it a name. I gave it pronouns. I gave it a voice. And yeah, I sold limited-edition T-shirts with its face. That’s called empathy capitalism.”
— Elon Musk, defending himself on X during a 2AM “space apology thread”
From Meteorite to Mascot: How It All Unfolded
When a 7-ton meteorite crash-landed harmlessly in a Nevada desert last month, NASA dubbed it “Object KX-22”—a rare iron-carbon fragment likely dating back billions of years.
But within three hours, Elon Musk had:
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Claimed he “discovered” it emotionally,
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Announced it was named “Meteor-X Æ-Angelbaby”,
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Declared its pronouns to be “they/glow”, and
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Launched a merch line featuring inspirational quotes like:
“Glow Is a Spectrum” and “I Self-Identify as Impactful.”
Now, Musk is being accused of “pronoun-washing”—the act of artificially assigning progressive identifiers to lifeless objects for profit, clout, and deflection from actual scandals.
The Meteorite’s Side of the Story
A seismologist named Dr. Trina Gomez, who arrived on the scene first, insists the meteorite never expressed any pronoun preference.
“We asked if it preferred any identity markers. It just sat there. Because it’s a rock.”
Still, Musk insists during an impromptu livestream:
“I felt the pronouns. You don’t need to ask a rock—you need to listen. With your billionaire chakra.”
He then posted a poem allegedly inspired by the meteorite:
“They crash.
They burn.
They glow.
They know.
Meteor-X… my heart returns.”
Meteor-X Merch Goes Intergalactic
Despite (or because of) the controversy, sales of Meteor-X products have gone meteoric:
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$45 Nonbinary Space Rock Beanies
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$88 “Ask Me My Orbit” Hoodies
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$150 Meteor-X “They/Glow” Aura Candles (Smells like burnt sincerity)
The Meteor-X NFT collection—titled “Fragments of Glow”—sold out in 13 seconds. Each token comes with a personalized apology from Elon read in Morse code.
Critics Call Out the Grift
The Intergalactic Ethics Commission (IEC) issued a formal rebuke:
“We support pronoun respect. We do not support emotionally colonizing space rocks for merch drops.”
The LGBTQIA+ Nebulae Alliance accused Musk of:
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“Astro-queer appropriation”
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“Capitalist empathy laundering”
One activist posted:
NASA Is Embarrassed Again
NASA quickly distanced itself from the stunt.
“We do not assign pronouns to meteorites. We catalog them. Respectfully. Quietly. Without hashtags.”
They added that Musk had not received permission to:
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Name the rock
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Tweet on its behalf
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Declare it “the Billie Eilish of the asteroid belt”
Congress Holds Emergency Hearing
Marjorie Taylor Greene called the Meteor-X campaign “an affront to America’s geological values.”
Sen. Josh Hawley asked:
“What’s next? Biden’s Department of Rock Pronouns?”
AOC countered:
“Yes. And we should fund it. Every rock deserves a voice. Especially the sexy ones.”
Kamala Harris Tries to Mediate
Standing in front of a spinning projection of Meteor-X, she said:
“When a rock lands, does it ask… to be named? Or do we name it… because we fear its silence? And in naming it… do we rename ourselves?”
She then offered the meteorite honorary citizenship and three therapy coupons.
Grimes Weighs In
Grimes posted a 9-minute ASMR video whispering:
“Meteor-X was born in impact and reborn in glow. Elon didn’t assign pronouns. He unveiled them.”
She later deleted the video and replaced it with a watercolor painting of Mercury sobbing.
Meteor-X Joins Instagram, Has 4.7M Followers
The account @they.glow features:
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Selfies from orbit
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Moody captions like: “Still glowing. Still misunderstood.”
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A collab with Crocs: “Impact Footwear for Nonbinary Travelers”
The Meteorite Begins Speaking (Sort Of)
In a surprising twist, a group of psychic toddlers in Sedona claim to have channeled Meteor-X.
According to 4-year-old Sage:
“They said they’re not mad, just disappointed. And they don’t like the font on the merch.”
What the Funny People Are Saying
“Musk gave a rock pronouns, monetized it, and now it’s dating Pete Davidson.”
— Ron White
“This is what happens when rich dudes have too much free time and access to lasers.”
— Sarah Silverman
“Imagine being a space rock and getting canceled for not saying your pronouns first.”
— Ali Wong
“The asteroid didn’t say anything because it’s a rock. Meanwhile, I called my ficus ‘he’ and now I’m in therapy.”
— Bill Burr
“I identify as a little confused and a lot exhausted.”
— Trevor Noah
Meteor-X Documentary in the Works
Netflix has greenlit “Glow: The Story of a Misunderstood Meteor”, directed by Werner Herzog and narrated by a sentient electric scooter.
“The rock… it glows. But in its glow… is the hunger for validation,” Herzog whispers while standing in a wind tunnel.
Elon’s Response: Doubling Down
In a follow-up post on X:
“Y’all mad I respected a meteor’s journey? That says more about you.”
He then challenged critics to a debate in zero gravity with Joe Rogan as moderator.
Earth Finally Asks the Meteorite What It Wants
After weeks of debate, a group of scientists finally asked the meteorite:
“What are your actual pronouns?”
The rock did not respond.
A soft wind passed through the desert. A distant star flickered. Somewhere, a cow blinked twice.
And from that, Earth concluded:
“They still glow.”
Conclusion: We Made a Meteorite a Celebrity. Again.
In a world where silence can be monetized, Elon Musk has once again proven his ability to turn vacuum into content.
Did the meteorite ask for this? Probably not.
But thanks to a billionaire, some merch, and a trending hashtag, it now represents everything and nothing—capitalism, identity, the void, and the soft sigh of a planet asking, “Why are we like this?”
IMAGE GALLERY
Interstellar Object
