Minneapolis Home Now Haunted by Transgender Ghost, Neighbors Say It Has “Great Lighting, Terrible Timing”

By Ingrid Gustafsson, Bohiney Magazine

Robert Westman’s Ghost in Haunted House

Haunting new footage reveals the two-story house on a leafy corner where Robin Westman is believed to have stockpiled weapons and plotted Wednesday’s horrific attack on Annunciation School — while a Ring camera image exclusively obtained by Fox News Digital shows his van parked outside the house a day before the mass shooting.

The four-bedroom detached home in the city’s St. Louis Park neighborhood appeared unoccupied and sits behind a small front lawn with mature trees, overgrown hedges, a disconnected doorbell, and a single porch light left on.

An upstairs front window — believed to be the room where Westman stayed — was opened as neighbors recalled how their normally quiet street was upended Wednesday, when police swarmed the property hours after the deadly attack that left two children dead and 18 others injured. Westman killed himself at the school.

Suburbia Meets the Afterlife

In the beige calm of St. Louis Park, a Minneapolis suburb known mostly for its competitive pickleball tournaments and passive-aggressive recycling notes, sits a house so ordinary it should’ve been invisible. Split-level, vinyl siding, a patchy lawn with exactly two dandelions—nothing screamed paranormal. That is, until tragedy left a permanent scar and, neighbors claim, a transgender ghost with a knack for Broadway numbers, passive-aggressive décor tips, and unsolicited pronoun corrections.

“It’s like HGTV meets Paranormal Activity,” whispered neighbor Carol Lindstrom, clutching a reusable shopping bag as though it were a crucifix. “Except instead of knocking things off the shelves, the ghost rearranges them by color gradient.”

Pronouns Beyond the Grave

Unlike traditional spirits who merely rattle chains, this ghost insists on being addressed properly. Residents report that before any haunting begins, a voice floats through the hall: “They/them, please.”

One couple who accidentally misgendered it woke to find their La-Z-Boy recliner perched neatly on the garage roof. “I don’t even know how a spirit with no physical body lifted a 150-pound chair,” said homeowner Gary Novak. “But I’ll say this: the view from up there was great. I almost left it.”

Local ghost-hunters call this “the first documented case of a specter correcting grammar and gender simultaneously.” A leaked HOA memo states: “All residents must respect the haunting spirit’s pronouns or risk spontaneous IKEA furniture assembly in their living rooms.”

Ring Camera Moans and Wi-Fi Woes

The haunting sounds aren’t your standard spooky “oooohs.” Instead, neighbors describe them as identical to a Ring doorbell buffering mid-delivery. “It’s like the ghost is trapped inside Comcast customer service,” said one teen witness.

Archival Ring footage shows the ghost photobombing Amazon drivers, swirling past with flair just as the driver mutters, “I hate this route.” Local police admit they’ve reviewed hours of footage and can confirm: the ghost appears to be experimenting with filters.

Broadway in the Attic

Every night at precisely 3:07 a.m., neighbors hear the ghost sing “Tomorrow” from Annie. But instead of cheer, it belts the number like a barista on their 8th consecutive shift.

“I thought it was my daughter’s Alexa stuck in a loop,” said neighbor Regina Chen. “But then the voice cracked on the high note, and Alexa never misses.”

A TikTok video of the performance, captioned “Haunted by Trauma or Just by Theater Kids?” has gone viral with 14 million views. Comments range from “Slay queen, slay” to “Please stop.”

The Meat Manifesto

During one police search, officers discovered slices of pastrami carefully arranged to spell out JUST CHILL on the kitchen counter. “First time in my 18-year career I’ve had to bag salami as evidence,” said Officer Brent Folsom.

Subsequent “meat manifestos” spelled out phrases like BUY BETTER COFFEE and STOP HANGING CHEAP CURTAINS. Local deli owner Nina Pappas insists she’s sold more pastrami in the last six months than in 20 years. “The ghost is single-handedly saving my business,” she confessed. “God bless it—or whatever deity handles cold cuts.”

Furniture as Existential Statements

The house itself has become an installation piece. Visitors report couches balanced in precarious towers, dining chairs suspended midair, and coffee tables rotated 180 degrees “for irony.”

“It’s not scary—it’s avant-garde,” said local art critic Martin Hughes. “The ghost is basically Banksy, if Banksy were dead and obsessed with Pottery Barn.”

Porch Light Philosophy

The spirit insists on leaving the porch light on—forever. “Not for security, not for deterrence,” explains neighbor Paul Reynolds. “For ambiance. It says the house needs to glow like a beacon of suburban resilience.”

Utility bills have skyrocketed, but residents admit the soft LED glow gives the cul-de-sac “a spa-like vibe.”

Yelp Energy in the Afterlife

Neighbors complain the ghost leaves sticky notes on fridge doors with comments such as:

• “Three out of five moans tonight. Would not recommend.”

• “Your feng shui is emotionally unavailable.”

• “Please vacuum under the sofa. Spirits can feel dust.”

One shaken homeowner admitted giving the ghost a five-star review after it folded laundry better than her teenager. “If this haunting counts as childcare, I’ll take it,” she said.

What the Experts Say

The Scientist:

Dr. Lars Birkland, paranormal physicist at the University of Minnesota, said, “We’ve entered a new frontier of haunting—spectral activism. This is not your grandmother’s ghost. This is identity-aware, performance-driven, suburban-chic haunting.”

The Eyewitness:

High school junior Elise Munro recalls sneaking into the attic during a dare. “I expected creaks and cobwebs. Instead, I found a PowerPoint projected on the ceiling titled ‘How to Respectfully Haunt.’ Slide one: ‘Don’t slam doors—close them softly. Slamming is toxic masculinity.’”

The Anonymous Staffer:

An unnamed city official leaked a memo: “We cannot evict the ghost. It filed paperwork with the HOA and technically has squatter’s rights.”

HOA vs. Ghost: The Battle of Bylaws

The homeowners’ association has tried to intervene. “We thought about an exorcism,” said HOA president Martha Klein. “But legally, the ghost pays dues. In fact, it pays early.”

During the last HOA meeting, the ghost appeared in holographic form, delivering a 12-minute PowerPoint titled “Haunting, but Make It Sustainable.” Proposals included composting ectoplasm and creating a “Boo Equity Fund” for disadvantaged spirits.

Poll Results:

A recent Bohiney Poll™ of 73 neighbors revealed:

• 61% say the ghost is “more helpful than scary.”

• 22% say it has “a smug aura.”

• 11% want it to headline the next community theater season.

• 6% were too busy running from spectral meat messages to answer.

Margin of error: spectral.

What the Funny People Are Saying

“This is the only ghost I know that wants to unionize the neighborhood watch.” — Ron White
“Imagine buying a haunted house and getting a ghost that corrects your grammar. That’s scarier than any demon.” — Jerry Seinfeld
“If I die and come back, I want to haunt people’s fridges. At least then I’m cold.” — Sarah Silverman
“I heard the ghost rewrote the HOA bylaws. Honestly, that’s the most Minnesotan haunting ever.” — Amy Schumer
“This isn’t a haunting, this is Airbnb with attitude.” — Bill Burr

Cause and Effect

Sociologists point out that haunted houses usually lower property values, but in this case Zillow reports a 14% increase. “It’s like having your own live-in consultant,” said one realtor. “Yes, it moans at night, but it also staged the living room better than I could.”

Local high schools have even reported fewer break-ins during spirit hours, as teenagers admit they’re too terrified to approach the glowing house. Cause: a ghost singing Annie off-key. Effect: improved neighborhood safety.

The Closing Punchline

So here stands America’s first “woke haunting”—equal parts terrifying, exhausting, and weirdly helpful. A ghost that corrects, critiques, redecorates, sings, and occasionally writes in deli meats.

The suburbs are divided: half terrified, half grateful, and all stuck with a ghost who refuses to leave. As one weary neighbor sighed: “It’s like living with a dead interior designer who charges in passive-aggressive notes instead of money. But hey, my lawn looks great.”

Disclaimer: This satire is entirely human-made, a collaboration between the world’s oldest tenured professor and a philosophy-major-turned-dairy-farmer. No AI, no Ouija boards—just dairy, despair, and deadpan.

Auf Wiedersehen, amigos.