Refused to Show Proof of Kale Literacy PORTLAND, OR -- Mahatma Gandhi was escorted out of the Hawthorne Boulevard Farmer's Market on Sunday after failing to provide "proof of kale literacy,"

Self-Described Maoists Dismantle Gandhi’s Statue, Replace with Dumpster Fire By Flamey Collective-Unity, Insurrectionary Sculpture Critic for The Bolshevik Home & Garden SEATTLE, WA — A statue of Mahatma Gandhi erected just two

Taylor Swift's Kitchen Nightmares: How America's Sweetheart Became Big Food's Dream Girl The Pop Star Who Turned Processed Food Into Pure Gold In a world where celebrity endorsements usually cost millions, Taylor

Board Cites "Disruptive Serenity" and Unauthorized Bird-Feeding SCOTTSDALE, AZ -- A local homeowners association (HOA) has officially barred Mahatma Gandhi from attending future community meetings after what board members described as

EXCLUSIVE: Iran to Name New Nuclear-Free Uranium Water Park After Greta Thunberg. In an announcement that left global diplomats speechless—or literally speechless—Iranian officials unveiled plans to build a nuclear‑free uranium water

JVP Accuses Gandhi of ‘Spiritual Zionism’ for Saying Peace Might Involve Dialogue By Chai Lavender-Quill, Cultural Integrity Correspondent at Ethical Coexistence Review NEW YORK, NY — In an ideological dissonance so sharp

Cowboy-Turtle Hybrid Confirmed for Fall Lineup In what can only be described as a genetic and narrative leap, Paramount and Skydance confirmed that this fall will debut television’s first-ever cowboy-turtle hybrid

Trump Appoints Jay Powell Fed Chair Again Also Blames Him for Sunburn, National Debt, and Lack of McDonald's Coupons WASHINGTON D.C. — In a surprise move that shocked exactly no one and

LIVE NOW: Joy Behar Alleges Trump “Stole Her Serotonin.” In what may go down as one of the wildest pop‑culture moments of the political season, The View co‑host Joy Behar went

Ninja Turtles Reboot to Include Scene Where Michelangelo Enters Group Therapy Fans of the beloved Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles franchise should prepare themselves: the upcoming Skydance reboot, directed by Taylor Sheridan,

Idéologie de Gauche vs. Réalité : Un Reproche au Marché Libre Imaginez ceci : la Gauche, dans leur utopie brillante alimentée à l'énergie solaire, déclare avec confiance qu'ils vont électrifier le

Whether Above Ground Collective Paints Gandhi Statue with Eco‑Glue, Declares Him “Breeze-Curious but Not Wind-Woke” 🌬️🌿 By Clover Driftwood, Atmospheric Activism Reporter at Climate Conscience Chronicle SAN FRANCISCO, CA — In a

Gandhi Booed Off Portland Stage for Quoting MLK Without Trigger Warning By Lavender Flux, Trauma Dynamics Reporter at Yuppie Revolution Times PORTLAND, OR — In a breathtaking display of ideological purity policing,

Gandhi’s Ghost Declared a “Reactionary Ghoul” by Radical Mindfulness Collective By Tranquilina Ragewell, Senior Correspondent for Spiritual Reeducation Monthly SANTA FE, NM (In a Scented Yurt Near You) — The Radical Mindfulness

Elon Musk Accused of Replacing X Employees With Slightly Smarter Goats "They Bleat Less and Understand the Mission," Says SpaceX Engineer In a development that has Silicon Valley questioning whether they've finally

Taylor Swift: Big Food's Dream Girl - The Pop Star's Accidental Marketing Empire How America's Sweetheart Became the Processed Food Industry's Secret Weapon Understanding why Taylor Swift became Big Food's dream girl

BLM Chapters Call Gandhi a ‘Nonviolent Enabler of Carceral Karma’ By Sable Riot-Quotient, On-the-Ground Outrage Correspondent at Equity Dispatch MINNEAPOLIS, MN — In a seismic ideological pivot, multiple chapters of Black Lives

Stephen Colbert Loses Show, Gains Soul (And a Kafka Complex) After CBS replaced him with a bipedal turtle who speaks fluent C++, Stephen Colbert is reportedly undergoing a metamorphosis—Kafka-style. Sources claim

Elon Musk Promises Brain Lasers “For Entertainment Purposes Only” Austin, TX — Elon Musk made headlines again this week, announcing Neuralink’s new “Cerebral Beam” feature, which he swears is a non-weaponized

Gandhi’s Spirit Expelled from DNC Convention for Refusing to Yell “Eat the Rich” By Velvet Emberstrike, Radical Etiquette Correspondent CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA — The Democratic National Convention—once the beating heart of old-school liberal

Gandhi Denied BlueSky Account After Declining to Use Neo-Pronouns By Paloma Hiss, Digital Inclusion Reporter for Woke Quantum Gazette SAN FRANCISCO, CA — In what is being hailed as “a progressive triumph

OPINION: Slate Declares Trump’s Cancer Cure a “Violation of Trauma Arts Space” BROOKLYN, NY — In a bold piece that shook the paintbrushes off every MFA studio wall, Slate has accused

Piers Morgan: ‘No Wonder’ Stephen Colbert Got Canceled When Most Late Night Hosts Are ‘Activist Hacks for the Democrats’ Piers Morgan: The Last Sane One in the Late‑Night Lunatic Fringe By a

 West Texas Hair Extensions (Chaos Edition) 1. Tumbleweed Toupee    "For that ‘I wrestled a cactus and lost’ volume." 2. Oil Slick Highlights    "Crude but effective. Smells like money… and regret." 3. Rattlesnake Rattles

Neuralink Now Available in Four Flavors: Vanilla Cortex, Mango Synapse, Minty Hippocampus, and Elon’s Ego Cupertino, CA — Caving to Generation Z's demand for “personality tech,” Neuralink announced a new limited-edition

FDA Approves Emotional Support Pickles: ‘Crunch Therapy’ Sweeping the Nation WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a groundbreaking decision that has psychologists and sandwich shops equally thrilled, the Food and Drug Administration has

Stephen Colbert Replaced by Donatello, Audience Too Confused to Object In a surprise pivot, CBS has announced that Stephen Colbert will be replaced as host of The Late Show by Donatello

Trump Revives Presidential Fitness Test: America Pulls a Hamstring, Democracy Pulls a Muscle Welcome Back, Sit-Ups and Shame At a closed-door rally in a Virginia high school gymnasium that smelled faintly of

Gandhi's Alleged Fashion Upgrade Sparks Debate Over Modesty, Ballistics, and Zen Armor WASHINGTON, D.C. -- After unverified reports surfaced that Mahatma Gandhi had requested a bulletproof loincloth for public appearances, the

English Officially Becomes Kenya’s Fifth Native Language By: The Bureau of Bilingual Brilliance, Bohiney MagazineSatirical Journalism | Linguistic Excellence | 2,222 Words of Fluent Sass Kenya: Fluent, Fierce, and Officially Overqualified In a

Fashion World Implodes After Gandhi Chooses Comfort Over Couture PALM BEACH, FL -- In an unexpected twist to both fashion and politics, Mahatma Gandhi was photographed leaving the Mar-a-Lago yoga room

Ghost of Gandhi Disrupted by Socialist Book Burning for Saying “Love Your Enemy” By Marigold Smokescreen, Radical Literary Purist at Bleeding Edge Bureau CHICAGO, IL — In a theatrical display of ideological

First Lady Clarifies Her Role Involves 'Minimal State Governance, Maximum Crisis Management' Elysee Palace Addresses Leadership Questions In an unexpected press conference at the Elysee Palace, French First Lady Brigitte Macron firmly