California Declares Border Walls Offensive to Earthworms

In a bold move sure to trigger the nation’s last three sane voters, Governor Gavin Newsom’s office announced that “physical border walls are offensive to subterranean invertebrates,” especially the endangered Feelings-Based Pacific Earthworm.

The ruling came after an Earthworm Sensitivity Council—funded through a $7.2 million California stimulus program—found that cinderblocks were “spiritually disruptive” to burrowing communities.

“This is not about immigration,” Newsom clarified while holding a worm he named Intersectionalia. “It’s about recognizing the lived experience of soil organisms.”

Stephen Miller, baffled but not surprised, stated, “So the state is now basing immigration policy on the spiritual discomfort of squiggly bugs?”

Newsom immediately labeled Miller’s remarks “speciesist,” and asked that future political debates include multi-species empathy consultants.

Construction on a southern California barrier has now been halted indefinitely pending a full earthworm impact report, led by a committee of vegan architects and two whispering geologists from Humboldt State.

The Department of Worm Rights has released a statement saying, “We respect California’s commitment to digging deep on border issues.”

Meanwhile, ICE is still enforcing federal law while Newsom builds a “soil justice task force” whose main directive is to prevent microaggressions against clods of dirt.

Miller’s proposed counter-legislation: “Borders Before Worms.”

A recent poll found 61% of Californians support the worms, 27% were too high to respond, and the rest already fled to Texas.