Hallmark Releases Cards That Just Say “Deal With It” in Gold Foil
Trump Declares National “Never Sorry Day” with Parade of Unapologetic Americans
Hallmark Releases Cards That Just Say “Deal With It” in Gold Foil
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In what’s being hailed as the boldest holiday since “National Hug a Gun Day,” former President Donald Trump has officially declared July 1st as “Never Sorry Day” — a celebration of boldness, brass, and the blissful absence of regret.
“No more groveling. No more accountability. Just pride, volume, and American flags,” Trump shouted from atop a bald eagle-shaped float in the first-ever Never Sorry Day Parade. “Apologizing is for people with bad lawyers and even worse PR.”
The parade featured pickup trucks towing billboards of things Trump has never apologized for — from college football scheduling to global pandemics. Marching bands played “Born to Be Right” while cheerleaders shouted slogans like “We Regret Nothing — USA All Day!”
To commemorate the new holiday, Hallmark released a greeting card line with messages like “Oops? Nope.” and “I Meant It, and I’d Do It Again.”
Schools are required to teach one class in passive-aggression and another in “Advanced Denial Strategies.” Participation is graded by how loud you can talk over opposing viewpoints.
The Democratic response? Senator Bernie Sanders simply muttered, “This is why I scream into mittens.”
Polls show 87% of Trump voters already celebrated the holiday before it was even real. “I just thought that was Tuesday,” said Glenn from Florida.
Trump hinted next year’s parade might include floats dedicated to historical figures who also refused to apologize — like Andrew Jackson, Genghis Khan, and that guy who invented email at a family dinner and still won’t shut up about it.
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SOURCES:
How to Be POTUS Without Reading Anything
and
How to Be POTUS Without Ever Apologizing
