Hugs, Empathy, and Decency Now Classified as “Foreign Influence”
Trump Declares “Sorry” Is a Liberal Conspiracy Invented by Canada to Undermine Strength
Hugs, Empathy, and Decency Now Classified as “Foreign Influence”
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a surprise press briefing flanked by six American flags and a reluctant moose, Donald Trump accused Canada of “weaponizing politeness” and using the word “sorry” to weaken U.S. masculinity and infrastructure.
“Apologizing is how they take your soul,” Trump explained, holding up a chart labeled “Feelings Are For Losers.”
The Trump administration has launched an investigation into Canadian exports of manners, courtesy, and bilingual shampoo bottles. White House insiders say maple syrup may be reclassified as “emotional sabotage.”
The DOJ confirmed it is looking into whether apologies have infiltrated school curricula under names like “conflict resolution” and “basic human decency.”
Senator Ted Cruz introduced legislation banning the phrase “I feel bad” from federal buildings. “If you feel bad,” Cruz said, “just buy a boat or yell at someone.”
At Trump rallies, new chants erupted: “No Sorries, No Snowflakes!” and “Build a Wall… With Spite!”
The Canadian embassy responded with a polite but firm letter: “We’re not sorry you’re upset, but we’re sorry for you.”
Fox News praised Trump’s courage. CNN accidentally aired a segment on Canadian kindness that ended in viewer nausea.
The moose has been granted political asylum in Montana.
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SOURCES:
How to Be POTUS Without Reading Anything
and
How to Be POTUS Without Ever Apologizing
