Inspired by Golf Scores and Presidential Gut Feelings
Trump Rebrands “Mistakes” as “Alternate Wins,” Orders Government to Use New Terminology
Inspired by Golf Scores and Presidential Gut Feelings
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald J. Trump has officially redefined the word “mistake” in federal documentation, replacing it with the phrase *”Alternate Win.”* The move came after an intense, one-man brainstorm session in a Mar-a-Lago sauna where Trump reportedly whispered, “Even my errors are successes — just misunderstood by losers.”
“From now on, nothing is wrong. Everything is an alternative right,” Trump declared, unveiling a banner that read *”Better Than Correct!’* in gold glitter font.
Agencies will now revise reports to reflect “Alternate Win Metrics.” For example, the CDC’s vaccine rollout delays are now referred to as *”Strategic Timing Triumphs.”*
Melania was caught rolling her eyes during the announcement and muttering, “Alternate wedding vows coming soon.”
The IRS announced a new audit form: *”Form 45-B: Did It On Purpose.’*
White House staffers are encouraged to say “Thank you for that bold detour” instead of acknowledging faults.
“Every miss is a rebranded hit,” Trump insisted. “Like my casino career. Like my university. Like Eric.”
Political opponents accused him of gaslighting. Trump replied, “No, I’m lightgassing. That’s different. That’s presidential.”
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SOURCES:
How to Be POTUS Without Reading Anything
and
How to Be POTUS Without Ever Apologizing
