Florida Man Declares Independence from Time, Burns Calendar in Ceremonial Protest By Staff Writer | Bohiney News Service TAMPA, FL — A local man has formally seceded from the calendar, declaring himself

People Who Believe Their Kombucha Is Haunted: When Fermentation Meets Delusion The SCOBY Ghost Stories You Didn't Ask For The Probiotic Poltergeist Phenomenon In the overlap between wellness culture and supernatural belief systems,

Trump, You’re Fired—From the Golf Course! Trump’s Latest Triumph Proves He’s Par for the Presidential Course Palm Beach, FL -- In a stunning display of athletic prowess—or at least, that’s how he’s

White House Launches Task Force To Combat Social Media Misinformation — Sends Findings Via Fax Machine Presidential Administration Applies 1990s Communication Technology to Combat 2020s Information Challenges WASHINGTON — The White House

72 Virgins Busted for Reading Rumi in Secret Cave Poetry Slam, Outraging Wahhabi Word Police By Satira ibn Jest, Bohiney News, June 8, 2025 In a scandal that has rocked the arid

Chuck Todd Celebrates 500 Followers, Liberals Confused What That EVEN Means Liberals Choose Ignorance Over Chuck Todd's Left Agenda In a groundbreaking media milestone, MSNBC’s beloved moderator Chuck Todd has finally reached

New AI Feature "ClapBack" Automatically Defends Users From Group Chat "Haha" Replies SAN FRANCISCO, CA – Tech startup SassyAI has launched a controversial new feature called "ClapBack," designed to combat the

Trump's Immigration Raids Target Sanctuary Cities, Discovers Most Undocumented Workers Actually Just Republicans Without Voter ID Mass Deportation Strategy Accidentally Uncovers Nation's Largest Identity Crisis CHICAGO, IL — The Trump administration's ambitious

Area Dad’s Halloween Costume “Just Him Giving Up” Again This Year Local Father Commits to Existential Realism October 29 — For the fifth consecutive Halloween, suburban father Mark Ellison, 48, of Dayton,

Influencer Launches Course on “Authentic Living” for $497, Filmed Entirely in Ring Light LOS ANGELES, CA — In a move that experts are calling “the pinnacle of sincere capitalism,” lifestyle influencer

Scientists Confirm Coffee Now Classified as a Basic Human Right, Alongside Wi-Fi By Clarisse Fontaine, Caffeine & Connectivity Desk GENEVA — In what the United Nations called “the most universally agreeable resolution

Woman Says She Doesn't Want Fries, Then Eats Yours: Economists Call It "Resource Redistribution" The Great French Fry Recession Every man who's ever sat across from a woman at a restaurant has

The Cat Cling Craze: Why Americans Are Stapling Tabbies to Their Teslas AMERICA: WHERE THE CATS ARE DECALS, AND THE DECALS ARE ALIVE It began like all great American trends—with an Instagram

The Female Group Chat: Where Logic Goes to Be Analyzed, Screenshot, and Spiritually Rebranded The Digital Coven Every man thinks his relationship is a private affair—until he learns it's been discussed, voted

Ilhan Omar's Congressional Despair Goes Viral as Petition Demands Her Removal If Congress were a Netflix series, Ilhan Omar would be the character who logs in every morning with a latte,

World collectively decides that family gatherings and hangovers matter more than breaking news about things that won't change anyway The Great December Disconnect: When Eggnog Beats Engagement An astonishing 36 of the

San Francisco Cares More Than You: A Virtue-Shaming Survival Guide Welcome to the Kingdom of Care San Francisco doesn’t just care. It overcares. It cares on your behalf. It cares harder, faster,

Things You Should Never Say to a Genius (Unless You’re Looking to Get Thrown Out of a Mensa Mixer) Now edited, elevated, and ridiculed by the wit committee at Bohiney.com “It’s always

Confused Vet Believes Pets Are People… and the Results Are Paws-itively Idiotic A Vet’s Touching Take on Animal Goodbyes Gets a Little Too Real Dr. Gerald “Jerry” Furrington has spent 30 years

White House Puts DEI Employees on Leave, HR Now Responsible for 'Everything Awkward' Diversity Pause Initiative Leaves Government Wondering Who Will Oversee Potlucks, Team Building, and Proper Pronoun Use By Lacey Bias

Chicago’s Deportation Drama: A Windy City Stand-Off A City of Sanctuary or a City of Stubbornness? Chicago has long prided itself on being a sanctuary city—a beacon of progressive values where deep-dish

“Land Back… and Also Jorge”: Native Tribes Agree to Rescue LA Gangs in Exchange for Stolen Land In an alliance so baffling it could only be conceived during a peyote ceremony

Fast-Food Chain Introduces “Diet Burger” — Includes Less Disappointment Per Bite By Clarisse Fontaine, Senior Grease Reduction Correspondent COLUMBUS, OH — Burger Barge unveiled the Diet Burger in a press conference staged

Natasha Bertrand's Hit Piece on Santa Claus Failed In early June, veteran national‑security reporter Natasha Bertrand dropped what she believed would be her biggest scoop yet—a startling exposé claiming Santa Claus was nothing

Texas Politics: Where Campaign Donations Arrive by Cattle Truck and Freedom Is Measured in Decibels An investigation into the Lone Star State's political machinery, where brisket is thicker than policy and

No Such Thing as a Free Toilet: Starbucks Reverses Open Bathroom Policy Brewing Controversy and Caffeine Seattle, WA — In a move that some say flushes years of goodwill down the metaphorical

America's New National Hobby: Defense Spending — But Make It Extravagant In Washington, D.C., there's a new pastime — and it's not golf. It's military spending. The U.S. government, apparently bored

If You Grew Up in Queens, Then You Know Donald Trump Isn’t a Unique Personality Queens: The Personality Factory That Shaped Donald Trump—and Countless Others Queens, NY — For those who have

Outrage Erupts Over His Audacious Commitment to Being Male By Buckley Faye and Betty Blowtorch, Reporting for Bohiney.com It’s official: Women across the nation are incensed. Furious. Positively LIVID. The breaking news?

A.O. Scott Abandons Hollywood for Haikus: The Cinematic Critic Who Became Poetry’s Most Reluctant Bard A Bohiney Satirical Journalism Exclusive A.O. Scott Trades Popcorn for Punctuation in Midlife Metaphor Crisis In a move

Dallas ICE Shooting: How Political Rhetoric Created Another Useful Idiot The Latest Dallas ICE Shooting: Another "Solo Act" in Political Theater By Darla Freedom-Pie Magsen | Bohiney.com Dallas police confirm the Dallas ICE

DEA Classifies Pumpkin Spice as Controlled Substance After Nationwide Addiction Crisis "Basic White Girl Rehab Centers" Report 347% Increase in Fall-Related Admissions Starbucks Faces Federal Investigation for Operating Unlicensed Pharmaceutical Distribution Network In

​The Wrinkle-Free Dystopia: How Age Verification Laws Are Crushing the Skincare Black Market The War on Moisturization It started with pornography. Lawmakers, convinced that the internet was a lawless wasteland corrupting the