Minneapolis Marxists Shocked To Learn Federal Government Still Exists 🇺🇸

Minneapolis woke up this week to a discovery usually reserved for teenagers who just turned eighteen and checked their first paycheck. The federal government is real, it has authority, and it does not accept interpretive dance as a legal argument.

Local Marxist organizers, many of whom hold advanced degrees in Theoretical Outrage, expressed deep confusion that Washington did not consult their co-op Slack channel before enforcing federal law. One protester holding a hand-knitted banner reading “Seize the Means of Snow Removal” said she thought “federal jurisdiction” was just a metaphor, like “emotional labor” or “late-stage capitalism.”

She later clarified that by “metaphor” she meant “thing I learned about in a TikTok but never Googled.”

Area Activists Demand Supremacy Clause Be Renamed “Strong Suggestion Clause” ❄️

According to Dr. Leonard P. Feldstein, Senior Fellow at the Institute for Feelings-Based Governance, the real issue is branding. “The phrase ‘Supremacy Clause‘ sounds aggressive,” he explained while adjusting a scarf made of recycled campaign buttons. “If they called it the ‘Friendly Federal Guidance Clause,’ compliance would skyrocket among urban revolutionaries.”

A recent poll conducted by the Minneapolis Collective for Vibes and Herbal Tea found that 63.4 percent of local activists believed federal agents must first submit a land acknowledgment and a gluten-free snack tray before conducting any operation. An additional 21.7 percent believed the Constitution is “problematic but vibe-adjacent.”

The remaining 14.9 percent were unavailable for comment, having formed a breakaway faction over comma usage in the poll question.

Protesters Say Laws Are Violence, Except Parking Laws 🚗

Eyewitness Marge Donnelly, who owns a hardware store that has survived eight city councils and three interpretive zoning reforms, watched the demonstrations from her doorway.

“They keep yelling that laws are oppression,” she said, sweeping rock salt off her sidewalk. “But let someone park in their bike lane and suddenly they want the full power of the state.”

Marge added that several protesters asked if her store carried “non-capitalist hammers.” She directed them to the regular hammers. They formed a committee to discuss it.

The committee has since split into two factions debating whether hammers are inherently hierarchical.

Anonymous City Staffer Admits Confusion

An anonymous Minneapolis municipal staffer, speaking from behind a potted plant, admitted things have gotten complicated.

“Look, we tried declaring the city a sovereign emotional zone,” the staffer said. “But then we needed federal road money. And federal heating assistance. And federal disaster relief. Turns out revolution works better in warm weather with grants.”

The staffer confirmed the city briefly considered replacing police sirens with “strongly worded podcasts,” but abandoned the plan after a focus group said it felt “too accountability-forward.”

Marxist Book Club Shocked To Learn Border Policy Not Decided By Poetry Slam 📚

Several demonstrators insisted immigration enforcement should be handled through a restorative justice drum circle. One organizer explained that borders are “a social construct created by maps,” then asked for directions to the nearest warming shelter funded by the Department of Homeland Security.

Professor Dana Whitcomb, who teaches Applied Sloganeering at a local liberal arts college, defended the movement’s strategy. “Chanting is a form of governance,” she said. “Historically, no empire has ever survived sustained rhyming.”

Historians later clarified that many empires, in fact, survived chanting. Several thrived specifically because of chanting.

Federal Agents Report Being Lectured About Colonialism Mid-Shift 🧭

Sources say federal officers on the ground were handed pamphlets titled “So You’re Enforcing Laws, Let’s Unpack That.” One agent reportedly nodded politely while being told his badge was “a symbol of late-imperial energy.”

“He was very respectful,” said protester Skyler Moonbeam. “But he kept doing his job, which felt dismissive.”

Moonbeam later organized a healing circle to process the trauma of being politely ignored.

Study Finds Revolution Delayed By Brunch Reservations 🥞

A groundbreaking study from the Upper Midwest Center for Strategic Irony found that 48 percent of planned uprisings in Minneapolis are postponed due to bottomless mimosa scheduling conflicts.

Lead researcher Carl Jensen explained, “There is strong revolutionary sentiment between 11:00 a.m. and 1:30 p.m., but it drops sharply once the eggs Benedict arrive.”

The study also found that 73 percent of revolutionaries cannot overthrow systems of oppression on an empty stomach.

Local Leaders Announce New Plan To Resist Federal Authority By Filing Strongly Worded Emails ✉️

City officials unveiled a bold new resistance strategy. Step one involves forming a task force. Step two involves a subcommittee. Step three involves a land acknowledgment for the task force. Step four is still in community input.

Meanwhile, federal law continues operating on its usual schedule, which activists have described as “deeply inconsiderate.”

Residents Mostly Just Want Streets Plowed

Lost in the ideological fireworks are regular Minneapolis residents who would like their trash picked up and their heating bills not to resemble defense budgets.

“I do not care who wins the revolution,” said local dad Brian Haskins while chipping ice off his driveway. “I just want the city and the country to stop arguing long enough to fix potholes.”

His comment was later cited in seventeen different position papers, none of which addressed potholes.

Final Thoughts From The People’s Republic Of Group Projects 🧣

Minneapolis activists insist they are on the right side of history, even if history keeps filing motions in federal court. The federal government, for its part, continues to operate under the radical theory that national laws apply nationally.

At press time, a coalition of neighborhood revolutionaries announced plans to occupy a Whole Foods until capitalism agrees to listen.

Store management offered them reusable bags and asked if they needed help finding anything.

History remains undecided, but the parking meter still expires at six.

Auf Wiedersehen, amigo!

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