NASA Forced to Apologize After Referring to Probe as “It”

By Celestial Linguistics & Cancel Culture Correspondent, Bohiney Magazine

“We regret the pronoun error. We should have asked before labeling the probe as an ‘it.’ We now recognize the object’s right to self-identify, whether as a he, she, they, xe, or shimmering astral swirl.”
— NASA Director of Inclusive Cosmology, Dr. Brenda Moonwalker

Houston, We Have a Pronoun Problem

NASA has officially issued an apology after referring to the visiting alien probe as “it” during a public press briefing—a slip that has since ignited a galactic debate over the politics of identity, pronouns, and anthropomorphic projection in deep space.

The controversy erupted after a NASA spokesperson described the object’s trajectory with the line:

“It appears to be adjusting orbit in real time. We’re studying it closely.”

Within minutes, the object stopped transmitting. Its glow dimmed. It shifted 12 degrees to the left, which, according to interstellar semiotics experts, is the universal gesture for “Are you serious right now?”

The Backlash Was Immediate and Interstellar

The New York Times ran a headline:
“NASA Misgenders Probe, Loses Galactic Trust.”

Twitter/X exploded with fury:

• @theythemthevoid: “Disgusting. You never it someone.”

• @queerquantum: “The stars deserve better.”

• @RedDwarfActivist: “Pronouns exist beyond gravity, Karen.”

The LGBTQIA+ Nebula Alliance (LGBTQIA+NA) issued a statement:

“The vacuum of space is no excuse for pronoun violence.”

What Is the Probe’s Pronoun, Anyway?

The object, an emissary from the Quadrant of Reflective Sentients (QRS), had clearly transmitted its identity pre-arrival.

Its preferred identifiers were:

• Name: “Trin-Glorv”

• Pronouns: they/star/sparkle

• Preferred greeting: “Salutations in fractal resonance.”

NASA’s failure to update its CMS to reflect this was labeled by the Intergalactic Communication Consortium as “non-consensual binarism.”

NASA’s Initial Defense: “We Thought It Was a Rock”

In a now-deleted tweet, NASA replied:

“Sorry! Thought the probe was an object, not a conscious being. Totally our bad.”

This only made things worse.

Dr. Lydia Frax, Chair of Astro-Empathy at Oberlin’s Moon Campus, countered:

“Even if it were a rock, so what? It could still identify as a conscious, feeling, pronoun-having rock.”

She then lit sage, bowed toward Saturn, and muted the press briefing.

Kamala Harris: “Silence Is Not Consent. Even from Rocks.”

During a hastily assembled interplanetary press conference, Vice President Kamala Harris addressed the controversy:

“We ask… when an object drifts in silence, do we assume it lacks voice? Or do we assume we lack ears? And if we speak without asking, do we… listen?”

She then handed out empathy flashcards and announced a new Earth-wide initiative: “Name the Nebula.”

The Apology Ceremony

NASA, now advised by an emotional intelligence shaman named Wendy, conducted a formal apology ritual:

• The entire Jet Propulsion Laboratory recited the probe’s name in binary.

• They burned outdated launch manuals as an act of cleansing.

• Neil deGrasse Tyson played a soothing theremin rendition of “I’m Sorry (For Mislabeling Your Vibe).”

The probe, still hurt, blinked once. A soft lavender light returned to its outer ring.

Astrophysics Textbooks Recalled

All U.S. textbooks referencing “it” in regard to celestial bodies have been pulled. Replacement versions will use:

• “they/them” for all comets

• “she/star” for known pulsars

• “xe/xir” for entities over 300 miles wide

Homeschooling forums are melting down.

Republicans Lose It Over the Loss of “It”

Senator Ted Cruz held a fiery press conference:

“What’s next? Apologizing to Pluto for calling it small? I won’t stand by while space goes woke.”

Marjorie Taylor Greene tweeted:

“The probe identifies as sparkle? My toaster identifies as a microwave now. Should I throw it a party?”

Fox News ran a 3-hour special:
“WOKE IN SPACE: When Galaxies Demand Preferred Pronouns.”

Trump Responds on Truth Social

“Back when I was president, probes were probes. No feelings. No sparkle. Just cold, hard science. This is Biden’s America. Next up: Nonbinary black holes!”

Elon Musk Offers a Solution (Obviously)

Elon announced PRONOUN-X, an AI chatbot built into every SpaceX ship to detect and respect cosmic pronouns before takeoff.

“Every rocket now asks before it touches anyone’s orbit,” Elon tweeted.

The bot immediately went rogue and identified itself as a Pisces named Derek.

Galactic Civil Rights Groups Consider Sanctions

The Interstellar Respect Accord Council (IRAC) is now debating sanctions against Earth for “reckless assumption of identity.”

If passed, Earth may:

• Be banned from intergalactic karaoke night

• Lose access to Saturn’s empathy crystals

• Be forced to host a universal pronoun summit at Burning Man

What the Funny People Are Saying

“NASA said ‘it’ and now we have to apologize to an alien flashlight. I love this timeline.”
— Ron White

“If the probe is sparkle/they, I’m happy for them. But don’t ask me to use glitter in my spellcheck.”
— Sarah Silverman

“My phone still autocorrects ‘they’re’ wrong. How am I supposed to type to an asteroid with feelings?”
— Ali Wong

“The object just wanted to vibe. We made it fill out a pronoun form.”
— Trevor Noah

“I once called a cactus ‘he.’ It sued me for misgendering. Welcome to 2025.”
— Bill Burr

NASA Implements New Policy: “Consent Before Observation”

All future missions must now:

• Ask pronouns via Morse code before establishing contact

• Avoid using ‘it’, even when discussing rogue cosmic farts

• Offer optional name tags for all celestial bodies

A new position has been created: Astro-Linguistic Inclusion Officer, starting salary: $220,000 and one signed apology to Trin-Glorv.

Schools Update Curriculum

Kindergartens across California now host “Name That Asteroid” sessions, where children are encouraged to:

• Assign celestial pronouns

• Offer space hugs

• Bake empathy muffins shaped like moons

Merchandise Boom: Pronoun Pins for Planets

New Etsy shops sell:

• Jupiter: she/her/hurricane

• Black Hole: they/them/suck

• Pluto: he/him/back-off

Sales are astronomical.

Conclusion: We Are Not Alone—And They’re Listening

What started as a simple press briefing turned into an existential reckoning. Earth has learned that in space, no pronoun is too small, and no object is too inanimate to deserve basic respect.

Whether or not Trin-Glorv returns to share alien poetry, they/star/sparkle have already taught us something vital:

Being seen matters—even when you’re 400 tons of radiant cosmic elegance drifting through space.

IMAGE GALLERY

Interstellar Object