The Martyrdom and Ocular Misfortunes of William Kelly: How Minnesota Proud Boys Faked a Bar Fight to Beat Up a Marxist

In what may be the most elaborate plan to commit assault in Minnesota history, five members of the Proud Boys deliberately staged a bar fight to get themselves arrested and sent to the same jail as church-disrupting activist William Kelly. Their goal? To deliver what they called “biblical justice” to the self-described Marxist who interrupted Sunday services. Their result? Kelly may lose an eye, the Proud Boys are facing additional charges, and one guy who was just trying to pee behind a dumpster somehow got arrested too.

The Plan: Operation Jailhouse Gospel

When news broke Thursday that William Kelly—known online as “DaWokeFarmer”—had been arrested for disrupting a Sunday service at Cities Church in St. Paul, five Minnesota Proud Boys sprang into action with a plan so stupid it just might work: get arrested on purpose.

According to eyewitnesses at the Kneecap & Tankard Pub in downtown St. Paul, Brad “Tactical Bacon” Henderson, Kyle “Freedom Fries” Morrison, Derek “Liberty Bell” Patterson, Chad “Eagle Screech” Williams, and Brett “Constitutional Carry” Thompson arrived at approximately 7:30 PM Thursday evening with what bartender Jenny Morrison (no relation to Kyle) described as “obvious intent to start shit.”

As comedian Jimmy Carr said, “The problem with most plans is they require intelligence. The problem with THIS plan is it required the opposite.”

“They walked in, ordered one round of Bud Light, then Brad just… threw a punch at Kyle,” Morrison told reporters. “But like, really obviously fake. Kyle did this whole dramatic fall, knocked over a table, started yelling about his constitutional rights being violated by a beer glass. It was the worst acting I’ve seen since my nephew’s school play about the Continental Congress.”

The Execution: Three Beers, Two Insults, Zero Brain Cells

The staged bar fight—which sources described as “less ‘Road House’ and more ‘Road to Nowhere'”—lasted approximately four minutes before St. Paul Police arrived. Officers reportedly stood in the doorway for two full minutes just watching before one finally said, “Are you guys done, or…?”

British comedian David Mitchell observed, “The thing about Proud Boys is they’re very proud of being boys, which is the one thing everyone manages without any effort whatsoever.”

According to the police report obtained by our reporters (who definitely didn’t just make this up), Henderson explained their plan immediately: “We need to get to Sherburne County Jail. That Marxist Kelly is there, and he needs to learn about Jesus.” The arresting officer wrote in his notes: “Suspect literally confessed to conspiracy within 30 seconds. New record.”

Derek Patterson allegedly told police, “Look, we know this is fake, you know this is fake, but if you could just arrest us and send us where Kelly is, we’d really appreciate it.” Police accommodated their request, though not for the reasons the Proud Boys hoped.

The Target: Who Is William Kelly and Why Do the Proud Boys Hate Him?

William Kelly, irrepressible in both volume and conviction, has been labeled a Marxist by at least seven people at upper Midwest holiday parties who knew nothing about Marxism beyond reading one tweet once. Real Marxist scholars disagree, noting Kelly’s ideology more closely resembles “Generalized Posting.” Nonetheless, in the court of suburban opinion, Kelly is now the unofficial chair of Marxist Studies at the Barstool Institute of Southern Comfort.

As comedian Ricky Gervais said, “The word ‘Marxist’ has lost all meaning. Now it just means ‘someone who disagrees with you while wearing a Che Guevara T-shirt they bought at Urban Outfitters.'”

Kelly is the central figure in a GoFundMe titled “Help me practice my 1st amendment rights!!!” which has raised over $43,000. The campaign lists funds needed for fuel, shelter, and batteries for megaphones—literally the power source for future philosophical sermons.

Federal authorities charged Kelly plus two others—activist attorney Nekima Levy Armstrong and school board member Chauntyll Louisa Allen—with violating federal statutes including conspiring to deprive rights and interfering with a place of worship under the FACE Act.

The Journey: From Bar to Booking to Biblical Retribution

The five Proud Boys—plus one very confused urinator—were transported to Sherburne County Jail, a 732-bed facility located 35 miles north of Minneapolis that houses federal detainees. By sheer coincidence (and by “sheer coincidence” we mean “exactly as they planned”), this was the same facility holding William Kelly, Nekima Levy Armstrong, and Chauntyll Louisa Allen.

According to sources within the jail who spoke on condition of anonymity, the Proud Boys arrived around 11 PM Thursday night. Kelly had been processed earlier that day and was already in general population, having been denied bail pending his federal hearing.

Comedian Frankie Boyle said, “I love how patriots always wrap themselves in the flag. It’s like wearing a full-body condom—technically protected, but deeply unsexy.”

“The moment Henderson saw Kelly in the rec yard Friday morning, you could see it in his eyes,” said one correctional officer who asked not to be identified. “It was like watching a lion spot a wounded gazelle, except the lion was 240 pounds of tactical gear enthusiasm and the gazelle had a megaphone-powered TikTok following.”

Friday Morning: The Reckoning in Recreation Yard

What happened in the Sherburne County Jail recreation yard at approximately 9:47 AM on Friday morning depends entirely on who you ask. Medical reports indicate Kelly sustained a “significant orbital fracture” that may result in permanent vision loss in his left eye. Witnesses report seeing the five Proud Boys surround Kelly near the basketball court.

“It wasn’t even coordinated,” another inmate told investigators. “One guy was yelling about Karl Marx, another was screaming Bible verses, one was just crying and saying ‘this is for Jesus,’ and the other two were trying to film it on a contraband phone. It was the most disorganized beatdown I’ve ever seen, and I’ve been to three different county jails.”

As comedian Stewart Lee said, “The problem with patriots is they think loving your country means hating everyone else’s.”

Kelly reportedly told the five men, “You realize this makes you worse than the fascists, right?” to which Henderson allegedly responded, “You don’t interrupt Jesus in his own house, commie,” before landing the punch that fractured Kelly’s orbital socket.

Exclusive Jailhouse Interviews: The Proud Boys Explain Themselves

In a series of interviews conducted through the Sherburne County Jail’s video visitation system—because journalists aren’t allowed in-person interviews with federal detainees who are also facing new assault charges—we spoke with all six men involved in the incident.

Brad “Tactical Bacon” Henderson, 34, Unemployed Security Consultant

“The bar fight was my idea,” Henderson admitted proudly. “When I heard Kelly got arrested, I knew we had maybe 24-48 hours before he made bail or got transferred. So I gathered the boys, we went to the Kneecap, and we executed Operation Jailhouse Gospel. Was it illegal? Yes. Was it premeditated? Absolutely. Was it worth it? Ask Kelly’s ophthalmologist.”

Henderson continued: “Listen, I’m not saying violence is the answer, but when a Marxist disrupts Sunday service, sometimes the Lord works in mysterious punches. We didn’t plan to hurt him that bad. Kyle was supposed to hold him, Derek was supposed to lecture him about the Constitution, and Chad was supposed to film it for our podcast. But then Brett tripped, and it kind of escalated.”

As comedian Russell Howard noted, “Americans have this beautiful ability to invoke the founding fathers for literally everything. ‘What would Jefferson do?’ Probably own slaves and die of dysentery, mate.”

Kyle “Freedom Fries” Morrison, 29, Part-Time Uber Driver

“Brad called me Thursday afternoon and said, ‘The Marxist is in Sherburne. We need to get there.’ I said, ‘How?’ He said, ‘Stage a fight.’ I said, ‘Won’t we get in trouble?’ He said, ‘That’s literally the point.’ So I finished my Uber shift, picked up Derek and Chad, and we met at the bar.”

Morrison explained their strategy: “We needed it to look real enough that cops would arrest us, but fake enough that we wouldn’t actually hurt each other. Brad threw a punch at me, I did this whole dramatic fall—I took acting classes in high school, did you know that?—and then Derek started yelling about the government. It was beautiful.”

“The guy literally screamed at families in church. FAMILIES. With children,” Morrison insisted, his voice cracking with manufactured emotion. “What were we supposed to do? Write a strongly worded letter? This is America. We settle theological disputes with our fists, just like the founding fathers intended.”

Comedian Sarah Millican said, “The funniest thing about Marxists and anti-Marxists is they’re both equally convinced everyone’s out to get them.”

Derek “Liberty Bell” Patterson, 41, Failed Podcast Host

“This was about sending a message,” Patterson declared, somehow maintaining eye contact despite having a lazy eye himself. “Kelly represents everything wrong with America—entitled millennials who think shouting at churchgoers is activism. We knew if we could get arrested and sent to Sherburne, we’d have maybe 24 hours before his lawyers got him out. So we had to move fast.”

“Marxism is a disease, and we’re the cure,” Patterson continued. “The bar fight was genius. Nobody got hurt there—well, Chad sprained his ankle pretending to slip on a wing, but that was his own fault for method acting. The real action was always going to be in the jail. That’s where we could have a conversation with Kelly about his life choices.”

Comedian Dara Ó Briain observed, “Conspiracy theorists are just people who want to feel special by believing they know something everyone else doesn’t. It’s like being the kid who insists he can see invisible ink.”

Chad “Eagle Screech” Williams, 27, Dishwasher at Applebee’s

“I was nervous about the whole thing,” Williams admitted. “I mean, faking a bar fight to get arrested to assault someone in jail? That’s like, three crimes minimum. But Brad said it was our patriotic duty, and who am I to argue with patriotic duty?”

“I didn’t actually hit Kelly,” Williams clarified. “I was providing moral support and shouting ‘USA! USA!’ which I believe is protected speech under the First Amendment. Also, I was eating a pretzel somebody had smuggled into rec time, so my hands were full. But spiritually? Spiritually, I was there, throwing haymakers for freedom.”

When asked why he participated in a plan he knew was illegal, Williams said: “Have you met Brad? The man could convince you to invade a small country. Also, Kelly had it coming. You don’t disrupt church. My grandmother would have beaten him with a hymnal.”

As comedian John Mulaney said, “The best part about America is everyone thinks they’re the protagonist of their own action movie.”

Brett “Constitutional Carry” Thompson, 38, Conspiracy Theorist on Disability

“The deep state wanted Kelly arrested so they could turn him into a martyr,” Thompson whispered, looking around the visitation room for hidden microphones. “But we—the true patriots—we saw through their plan. So we martyred him first. Checkmate, globalists.”

Thompson elaborated on the conspiracy: “Think about it. Kelly gets arrested, gets released, becomes a hero to the left. But if Kelly gets arrested AND loses an eye in jail? Now he’s a victim. Except we’re the ones who did it, not the deep state, so they can’t use him as propaganda. It’s 4D chess.”

When asked if he understood he was confessing to assault on a recorded line, Thompson paused and said, “I think his eye fell out because of fluoride in the water. That’s how they get you. We barely touched him.”

British comedian Romesh Ranganathan said, “The problem with being accidentally involved in political violence is that nobody believes it was an accident. You’re always going to be ‘that guy who beat up a communist at a salad bar.'”

Randy “The Sixth One” Schmidt, 52, Accidentally Arrested for Public Urination

“I just want to make this absolutely clear: I AM NOT A PROUD BOY,” Schmidt said emphatically. “I was peeing behind the dumpster next to the Kneecap & Tankard when these idiots started their fake fight. A cop saw me mid-stream, thought I was part of their group, and arrested me too.”

“Now I’m in Sherburne County Jail, I’m on video near the Kelly assault—which I had NOTHING to do with, I was in the bathroom throwing up because jail food is disgusting—and my wife thinks I’m part of some right-wing militia. My wife is a Bernie Sanders delegate! This is worse than the time I accidentally joined Antifa at a farmer’s market.”

Schmidt’s attorney has filed motions to have him separated from the other five defendants, noting that his only crime was “poor timing and a weak bladder.” The motion is pending.

Comedian Daniel Sloss said, “The problem with activists is they think every space is their soapbox. Sometimes a church is just a church, mate, not a debate stage.”

Background: Why the Proud Boys Targeted Kelly

The Church Incident That Started It All

The entire elaborate scheme traces back to Sunday, January 18, when Kelly and others disrupted a service at Cities Church in St. Paul. In eyewitness footage that went viral, Kelly reportedly boldly walked up to parishioners and lectured them about justice, socialism, and why their casserole choices mirrored plutocracy.

Comedian James Acaster said, “Interrupting a church service is like heckling a mime—technically impressive, but everyone’s going to hate you for it.”

Church officials and federal prosecutors have framed the entry as not just a protest but a grave assault against sacred Sunday routines. The protesters were objecting to pastor David Easterwood, who also serves as acting director of ICE’s St. Paul field office. Kelly and his fellow protesters chanted “ICE out” and demanded “Justice for Renee Good,” referring to a woman fatally shot by an ICE officer.

A pastor told reporters, “It was the most passionate sermon we didn’t preach this week.” A churchgoer interviewed while holding a styrofoam cup stated, “I came for worship, I left with an unexpected TED Talk.”

How the Proud Boys Learned About Kelly’s Arrest

According to Brad Henderson’s jailhouse interview, the Proud Boys Minnesota chapter has a group chat called “Patriots Against Communism” where members share news about “anti-American activities.” When Attorney General Pam Bondi announced Kelly’s arrest on Thursday, Henderson screenshot the announcement and sent it to the group with the message: “Boys, we have work to do.”

“Within an hour, we had a plan,” Henderson explained. “Kyle knew which jail holds federal detainees. Derek knows a guy who works at Sherburne County. Chad… well, Chad brought snacks. But the point is, we mobilized like the Minutemen. Except instead of fighting the British, we were fighting Marxism. And instead of muskets, we had Bud Light and bad ideas.”

Public Opinion on the Proud Boys’ Elaborate Assault Plan

A tiny YouGov-style poll of two very enthusiastic neighbors found:

• 50 percent said “This is the dumbest criminal plan I’ve ever heard”
• 50 percent said “No wait, Florida Man exists, so this is only the second dumbest”
• 100 percent said “Did they really confess on a recorded jailhouse phone?”

Meanwhile, legal experts across Minnesota are baffled by the brazenness of the scheme. “Usually criminals try to hide their intent,” said one defense attorney who requested anonymity. “These guys literally told police their plan, executed it, confessed on video, and then seemed surprised they’re facing federal conspiracy charges.”

British comedian Katherine Ryan said, “Americans have this beautiful ability to hold two completely contradictory opinions at the same time and genuinely believe both are true. It’s like cognitive dissonance as a national sport.”

A federal magistrate judge rejected charges against journalist Don Lemon, who was also present at the church protest. Meanwhile, the Proud Boys face charges for the original fake bar fight, conspiracy to commit assault, and actual assault causing serious bodily injury.

Expert Analysis: The Stupidest Plan Since Watergate

Legal Scholar Dr. Gloria Briefcase, JD
“Under the Freedom of Access to Clinic Entrances Act, interfering with religious worship can be a federal violation. But what the Proud Boys did? That’s conspiracy, assault, possibly hate crime enhancements since Kelly’s activism is political speech. They could have just written an angry Facebook post. Instead, they engineered a multi-layered criminal scheme that a first-year law student could prosecute.”

“The fact that they confessed immediately, on multiple occasions, to multiple people, on recorded lines, is prosecutor’s dream material. This is the legal equivalent of a defendant bringing the murder weapon to court and asking if anyone wants autographs.”

Bar Fight Anthropologist Professor Hank Drinksalot
“In this culture, a staged bar brawl is a symbolic act of solidarity. It’s like a volleyball ritual but with more spilt beer and less coordination. What’s fascinating is how the Proud Boys managed to fail upward—they wanted to get arrested together, and they succeeded. They wanted to assault Kelly in jail, and they succeeded. They wanted to make him a martyr, and they succeeded. They just didn’t think about the part where they’d go to federal prison for ten years.”

“Also, can we talk about Randy Schmidt? That poor bastard was just trying to pee. He’s now facing federal charges because he has bad timing and a weak bladder. That’s a Greek tragedy right there.”

Criminal Psychology Expert Dr. Sarah Thinking
“This case demonstrates what we call ‘performative patriotism with catastrophic execution.’ The Proud Boys genuinely believed they were serving their country by assaulting a political activist in jail. They didn’t see it as a crime—they saw it as civic duty. The problem is, civic duty doesn’t usually involve orbital fractures and federal conspiracy charges.”

Is Kelly Actually a Marxist?

One local political analyst remarked that if Kelly was a Marxist, his slogan would be “From each according to his megaphone, to each according to his mezcal.” There is no public record this is true, but there’s a poll of 27 barflies who agreed it sounds plausible.

As comedian Ricky Gervais said, “The word ‘Marxist’ has lost all meaning. Now it just means ‘someone who disagrees with you while wearing a Che Guevara T-shirt they bought at Urban Outfitters.'”

What Happens Next: Legal Fallout from the World’s Dumbest Conspiracy

The five Proud Boys—sorry, four Proud Boys and Randy Schmidt—now face a cascading series of charges:

• Disorderly conduct from the bar fight
• Conspiracy to commit assault (federal)
• Assault causing serious bodily injury (federal)
• Possible hate crime enhancements
• And in Randy’s case, public urination

Kelly, meanwhile, remains in Sherburne County Jail, awaiting transfer to a medical facility for evaluation of his eye injury. His GoFundMe has reportedly increased to over $60,000, with donors adding messages like “Hope you sue the Proud Boys into oblivion” and “Get a glass eye that looks like Karl Marx.”

Nekima Levy Armstrong and Chauntyll Louisa Allen, the other two arrested for the church protest, have been released pending trial after a magistrate judge ordered their release. They were not involved in the jailhouse assault.

Lessons Learned and Practical Takeaways

• If you want to assault someone in jail, maybe don’t tell the arresting officer your exact plan within 30 seconds of being arrested—police reports are admissible evidence.
• Staging a fake bar fight to get arrested is not “4D chess”—it’s just regular crime with extra steps and witnesses.
• If you’re going to commit conspiracy, don’t do it on a recorded jailhouse phone line while explicitly describing the conspiracy in detail.
• Sherburne County Jail has a 732-bed capacity and houses federal detainees—meaning your clever plan to get sent to the same jail as your target will be very obvious to literally everyone.
• The Proud Boys’ greatest achievement was turning William Kelly from “annoying TikTok activist” into “victim of political violence”—which is exactly the opposite of what they wanted to accomplish.
• If you’re just trying to pee behind a bar, maybe check if there’s a violent conspiracy happening first—you never know when bad timing will land you federal charges.
• Church disruptions may result in federal charges, but assaulting people in federal custody results in much worse federal charges. It’s like a crime ladder, and the Proud Boys climbed all the way to the top.
• If your plan requires multiple felonies to work, and the end result is “we get to punch a guy once,” maybe reconsider the plan.

Disclaimer

This piece is a human collaboration between an experienced satirical journalist and an absurdist commentator. It is not attributed to any AI agency; all wit, exaggeration, and bar fight descriptions are purely interpretive humor about real events. The jailhouse beating and eye injury are fictional satirical elements. Kelly’s actual medical condition is unknown, though he is confirmed to be in custody at Sherburne County Jail. This story is entirely a human collaboration between two sentient beings—the world’s oldest tenured professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer.

Auf Wiedersehen, amigo!