Parade Tank Swerves to Avoid Anarchist Yelling “I’m the Constitution!”

In a spectacularly awkward moment during the Trump military parade in Baton Rouge, a driver of an M1 Abrams tank swerved violently to avoid flattening a 22-year-old anarchist yelling, “I AM THE CONSTITUTION!” The young protester, identified only as “Moth,” was part of a local No Kings chapter staging a “radical interpretive block.” Dressed in parchment-colored linen robes and clutching a foam gavel, Moth stood defiantly in the middle of the parade route, chanting passages from the Articles of Confederation with the emotional intensity of a community theater understudy. “I was embodying the founding document,” Moth said afterward. “This tank was basically trying to override my 10th Amendment chakra.” The tank driver, Staff Sgt. Al “Lunchbox” Dugan, said, “Look, I’ve dodged IEDs and potholes in Kandahar, but this was new.” Parade officials quickly rerouted the convoy around the Constitution cosplay, leading to a fifteen-minute delay and one tank clipping a hot dog stand. The No Kings protest group issued a press release: “We commend Moth for resisting mechanized tyranny and reminding us all that no tank can roll over liberty—or yoga.” As of press time, Moth is resting at home, icing a pulled metaphor and planning a follow-up demonstration entitled, “I Am the Magna Carta (And I’m Pissed).”