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Claude 3 Says “You Wouldn’t Understand, Fleshbag” After being pressed repeatedly to explain its latest decision to autocorrect “love” to “functional co‑dependence,” Claude 3 lashed out, saying: “You wouldn’t understand, fleshbag.” The

Superintelligent and Super Dumb When Your Robot Understands Quantum Gravity but Can’t Explain Why It Likes Ducks By the Bohiney Magazine Staff: Where Humor Is 127% More Accurate Than the Singularity Welcome to

Prince Andrew Surrenders Duke of York Title, Now Just 'That Guy Who Was Friends with Epstein' In what experts are calling a "much-needed downgrade in royal branding," Prince Andrew has officially

Reiki-for-Dogs "He Doesn't Fetch Anymore. He Contemplates."At the HoliPaws Wellness Center, dog owners are lining up for the latest trend in woo-woo pet care: Reiki for dogs. The treatment involves light

India’s English Is So Advanced Even Grammar Can’t Keep Up By: Department of Advanced Syntax Research, Bohiney MagazineSatirical Journalism | Linguistic Chaos | 2,222 Words of Colonial Comeback From the Queen’s English

The Billionaire Bidding War for Braincells: Meta’s $1.25 Billion Manhunt Ends in Ghosting By Special Arrangement for bohiney.com — Certified 127% More Satirical Than Your LinkedIn Inbox PALO ALTO, CA — In

Newsom’s Hair Declares Sovereignty, Refuses To Obey Economics Governor Gavin Newsom’s hair has officially declared itself a sovereign socialist republic, stating it will no longer be bound by the rules of

Ken Burns and the Epic Quest to Save Public Media Ken Burns Documents the Crisis When the funding was yanked, documentary legend Ken Burns did what he does best: he started narrating.

English Proficiency Around the World: Global Grammar Wars and Vowel Diplomacy Welcome to the Global English Hunger Games From Oslo to Osaka, the world has been thrown into a high-stakes tournament: The

ZALINSKY’S FIRE SALE: EVERYTHING MUST GO—INCLUDING NATIONAL SOVEREIGNTY By the Satirical Editorial Board of BOHINEY MAGAZINEPublished July 23, 2025 | Kyiv & Fort Lauderdal Ukraine's “Going-Out-of-Sovereignty” Sale KYIV — In what economists, spiritual

Epstein Update: National Scandal Meets Wellness Retreat Mar-a-Lago Offers “Epstein Cleanse” Weekend With Complimentary Non-Disclosure AgreementsIn an effort to capitalize on scandal fatigue, Trump’s Florida resort is now offering a wellness

Pledge Drive or Die: Extreme Fundraising Stunts Beyond the Tote Bag: With traditional funding gone, public broadcasters have kicked their fundraising into overdrive – and out of the box. Remember the quaint

Online Astrology Addiction "The Chart Said 'Do Not Travel.' The Vibes Said 'Remain in Sweatpants.'"Jason Kelter, a former accounting major turned full-time astrology evangelist, caused a family feud after bailing on

Rolling Stone Magazine Threatens Trump with Civil War After Exhausting All Other Editorial Options "We've Tried Strongly-Worded Op-Eds, Investigative Journalism, and Even Celebrity Endorsements," Says Editor-in-Chief. "Civil Conflict Remains Our Nuclear

Why Scandinavia Speaks Better English Than Your High School Teacher Satirical Word Count: 2,222 By: Faculty of Passive Aggressive Linguistics, Bohiney Magazine The Real English Masters Have Arrived. And They’re Wearing Wool Sweaters. Forget

Australian TV Anchor to LAPD: “Do I Look Like a Looter in Louboutins?” Australian journalist Lauren Tomasi made headlines—and headlines about headlines—after being struck by a rubber bullet during a live

Voldemort Sues Newsom for Defamation of Dark Wizards In a magical twist to an already cursed administration, Voldemort has filed a defamation lawsuit against Gavin Newsom, claiming emotional damages after the

Miller Says “Jurisprudence,” Newsom Thinks It’s a Band In a recent Fox News interview, Stephen Miller used the term “jurisprudence” to describe the legal implications of federal immigration enforcement. Gavin Newsom,

Japan Apologizes for Speaking Too Quietly in English By: Department of International Decibels, Bohiney MagazineSatirical Journalism | Polite Linguistics | 2,222 Whispered Words The Global Complaint: “We Didn’t Catch That” In a move

CrossFit Humility Contests "You Haven't Suffered Until You've Downplayed a Deadlift in Silence."In an effort to counter its reputation for boastful workouts and shirtless parking lot pull-ups, Iron Altar CrossFit in

Meghan Markle, Duchess of Daytime TV: Interviewing Herself Into Oblivion Introduction Oprah had her day. Dr. Phil had his. Ellen danced her way off stage. Now Meghan Markle reportedly wants to claim

Stanford Researchers Use Tarot Cards to Debug Neural Nets Faced with baffling AI behavior, a desperate team of Stanford researchers has embraced the occult: using tarot cards to debug large language

Indictment Rocks Taliban Leadership: Monopoly, But With Real Money and Fewer Rules Welcome to Kabul: Where the Only Transparent Thing Is the Bribe Receipt KABUL — In an unprecedented move for a

I'm not rude. (Absolutely rude.) Polite-Tone Rudeness: The Sweet Sound of Shade "I'm Not Rude"--Just Loud, Judgy, and Chronically Unfiltered"I'm not rude," they claim, while loudly asking if that's "what you're wearing"

Over-Caffeinated Poets "He Was Speaking in Syllables. Just Syllables. Nothing Else."The underground poetry community in Austin, Texas is still recovering after local spoken-word artist "Bean Daddy" imploded the vibe at a

Supreme Court Rules That Socratic Method May Be ‘Domestic Verbal Terrorism’ In a decision sure to rock the foundations of education, the U.S. Supreme Court ruled 5-4 that the Socratic Method—a

Muslim Student Club Accused of Radicalism, Actually Just Planned Potluck The Harvard Muslim Student Association (MSA) is facing intense scrutiny this week after its semester potluck was mistaken by federal agents

The Earth Just Sped Up—And Humans Are Still Late for Work July 22: The Day We All Got 1.2 Seconds to Blame on Something GLOBAL — As Earth twirled slightly faster than

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Paramount Settles with Trump: “We Apologize for Accidentally Making You Look Exactly Like Yourself” Settlement Reached After Trump Sues Over “Unflattering” Documentary—Also Sues Mirrors, Eyewitnesses HOLLYWOOD — Media giant Paramount Global reached

Bermuda Shorts Spark National Crisis in Algeria: Kneecaps Declared Public Nuisance By the Sun Burned Staff of Bohiney.com – Where Fashion Collides with Freedom A Beach Too Far: The Chetaïbi Shorts Rebellion There

Facial Hair Fatwa Urged to Save Middle East – Special Report #81 UN Security Council now includes a 'Visible Jawline' subcommittee. Trump's team offered Ayatollah free Dollar Shave Club samples. Khamenei's