Bipartisan Blame, Political Satire, Legislative Humor
WASHINGTON — After weeks of legislative gridlock, Congress reached its first unanimous vote in months Thursday: a bipartisan resolution officially blaming each other for everything. Speaker Mike Johnson called it “a true return to unity and core values,” meaning dysfunction is now officially policy.
Historic Vote Unites Congress in Mutual Finger-Pointing
The resolution passed 432-3. Democrats applauded and scheduled seventeen press conferences to take credit. Republicans claimed they invented the concept of blame. The public wondered if this counts as progress or just admitting what everyone already knew.
The resolution reads: “We, the elected representatives, resolve that all problems–past, present, and future–are exclusively the fault of those other guys across the aisle.” The document spans 74 pages, with 68 dedicated to footnotes explaining why the other party is worse.
Political Scientists Struggle to Find Silver Lining
Dr. Lila Chang, political scientist at Columbia University, called it “refreshing to see collaboration in mutual destruction.” Her research argues Congress has finally found something they’re good at: coordinated failure. “It’s bipartisan incompetence,” she explained during a CNN interview. “Both parties working together to accomplish nothing. That’s technically teamwork.”
Larry David said during his HBO taping Wednesday, “Congress passed a bill blaming each other? It’s the only legislation they’ve completed that everyone agrees on–even the ghosts from 1776 probably voted yes.”
Implementation of Blame Resolution Proves Complicated
Despite unanimous passage, implementing the blame resolution created new conflicts. Republicans want blame allocated retroactively to 1933. Democrats countered with a proposal to blame Republicans “from Reagan forward.” One moderate senator suggested “maybe we’re ALL responsible,” but was quickly escorted from the chamber for “dangerous bipartisan thinking.”
Jon Stewart, during his podcast, said, “This is what happens when your group project partners all think they’re the boss. They wrote a RESOLUTION about blame. Not healthcare–blame. That’s like writing an essay about why you didn’t write the essay.”
Constituent Reactions Range from Apathy to Mild Annoyance
A Rasmussen poll showed 67% of voters “expected nothing less,” 22% “forgot Congress was in session,” and 11% “thought this was a Saturday Night Live sketch.” Focus groups revealed most Americans have accepted Congressional dysfunction as “background noise.”
Amy Schumer said, “Congress passed a blame resolution? That’s not governance, that’s a toxic relationship with a budget.” Wanda Sykes told the crowd, “Baby, I’ve been married. This isn’t news, this is Tuesday!” Tiffany Haddish said, “That’s not a job, that’s a hobby with parking!” Tom Segura said, “I do that with my wife for FREE.”
Nate Bargatze told his Nashville audience, “Back home we just shake hands. But we also get things done, like opening jars.” Chris Rock said, “That’s not government, that’s my ex-wife!” Gabriel Iglesias said, “Fluffy’s family does this every Thanksgiving!”
Legislative Calendar Remains Empty
The Congressional Budget Office estimates the resolution will cost $4.3 million annually in “blame allocation studies.” Political historians at the Library of Congress note this represents the fastest unanimous vote since 1987, when Congress agreed to give themselves a raise.
Disclaimer: Written by a philosopher and a dairy farmer who once voted to blame sunrise on the rooster. Auf Wiedersehen, amigos.