Nation’s Coffee Shops Report Surge in Customers ‘Working’ on Screenplays

Hollywood or Hazelnut? Experts Say 90% of Café Laptops Contain Nothing but Blank Final Draft Documents

By Java McWritersblock, Caffeine Correspondent

In what industry analysts are calling a “record-breaking epidemic of self-delusion,” coffee shops across the nation are experiencing an overwhelming surge in customers claiming to be “working on their screenplay.” From the independent espresso bars of Brooklyn to the Starbucks inside the Target in Boise, tables are now fully occupied by screenwriters hard at work… pretending to be hard at work.

Productivity is Brewing… or Is It?

Local baristas report that nearly 70% of customers now come armed with a laptop, a determined expression, and a word count that has not changed in six months.

“I get it,” said Liam Phelps, a barista at a downtown Chicago café. “Everyone here is working on a screenplay. Everyone is waiting for ‘notes’ from a producer. Everyone is just ‘one rewrite away’ from winning Sundance. Meanwhile, I’ve got 15 people waiting on oat milk cappuccinos and somehow I’m the one who’s actually productive today.”

This rise in screenwriting has also led to a disturbing shortage of power outlets, forcing some writers into an unspoken battle of passive-aggressive glances over who gets to charge their MacBook next.

“It’s a delicate ecosystem,” said one observer. “You’ve got screenwriters, the ‘working remotely’ tech guys, and that one old man reading a physical newspaper like it’s still 1992. Only the strong survive.”

Screenwriting or Extended Social Experiment?

Psychologists say that the coffee-shop writing process has evolved into a carefully curated public performance. It begins with the ritual of setting up a laptop at a prime table, preferably in the middle of the room where maximum visibility is ensured.

• Screenwriters treat their laptops like a set piece. The whole vibe is: ‘Look at me, I am a tortured artist, but also, please don’t look too hard because I only wrote two words today.’
• They’re also obsessed with having the right coffee cup next to their laptop, like it’s a co-star in their biopic. The more complicated the drink, the more serious the writer.
• Ever notice how they always pause to stare dramatically out the window? It’s like they’re hoping their character arc will write itself.
• The second a cute barista asks them what they’re working on, their productivity drops to zero. Congratulations, your screenplay is now a romance subplot you’ll never actually write.
• Some take it to the next level, strategically placing a copy of ‘Save the Cat’ on their table, hoping a producer will walk by and greenlight their script on the spot.

“If you sit in a coffee shop long enough, you’ll hear the words ‘it’s basically The Godfather meets Mean Girls’ at least twice,” said film professor Ted Nolan.

The Laptop-to-Actual-Screenplay Ratio is Abysmal

While every coffee shop now resembles a WeWork full of unemployed film students, data shows that the ratio of laptops to completed screenplays is 27 to 1.

“I swear, coffee shops have more unfinished scripts than Hollywood has bad reboots,” said comedian John Mulaney.

Even worse, research suggests that most screenplay drafts contain at least one character “loosely based on myself” and an unnecessary dream sequence.

“Screenwriters always say their work is personal, which is code for ‘it’s a collection of my bad life choices disguised as a quirky indie drama,’” said Jerry Seinfeld.

Hollywood’s Least Likely Pipeline

Despite this caffeine-fueled screenwriting boom, Hollywood executives remain skeptical.

“Look, if a truly great screenplay had ever been written inside a Starbucks, we’d know about it by now,” said one anonymous producer. “You’re telling me the next Oscar-winning film was birthed in the same place where Karen is asking if we have almond syrup?”

Meanwhile, some screenwriters refuse to be discouraged.

“Quentin Tarantino wrote Reservoir Dogs in a diner, so obviously my rom-com about a sentient AI dating app can be written in a Dunkin’ Donuts,” said aspiring writer Kyle Brighton.

• A lot of these screenwriters are just working on a script so they can ‘accidentally’ drop it in front of a Netflix executive. That’s their real Act Three twist.
• The real problem isn’t writer’s block—it’s distraction. You can’t finish a screenplay when you’re too busy Googling ‘How much caffeine is too much caffeine?’
• Ever notice that every struggling screenwriter’s laptop battery is always about to die? They’ll finish their masterpiece right after they find an outlet.
• No matter how good a screenplay is, the first five pages are always just “FADE IN” followed by three hours of procrastination.

Some baristas have taken to calling out customers who are obviously just scrolling Twitter.

“If you’re ‘working on a screenplay’ but your screen has been on the Wikipedia page for Christopher Nolan for 45 minutes, I’m cutting off your Wi-Fi,” said Jeremy Lopez, a Los Angeles barista who has seen it all.

Comedian Conan O’Brien weighed in on the phenomenon, saying, “If you ask someone in LA how their screenplay is going and they say ‘It’s getting there,’ that means they’ve spent three years on the title page.”

Coffee Shops Crack Down on the ‘Aspiring Writer’ Epidemic

In response to the trend, major coffee chains are considering a new surcharge for “pretend work.” Some independent cafés have even installed “No Screenwriters” zones, though these areas quickly filled up with customers claiming to be “writing a novel instead.”

• Cafés have started charging rent for tables occupied by ‘screenwriters.’ At this rate, they’ll make more money off struggling artists than Hollywood ever has.
• The real reason screenwriters love coffee shops? It’s the only place where being completely broke still makes you look sophisticated.

One thing is certain: whether or not these screenplays ever get written, the coffee will keep flowing—along with the delusions of grandeur that come free with every refill.