Trump Orders Drone Surveillance of All Liberal Arts Colleges
In a bold stroke of domestic policy-slash-performance art, Donald Trump issued an executive order mandating drone surveillance of all liberal arts colleges, citing “woke subversion, cultural terrorism, and the dangerous spread of critical thought.”
The order, titled “Operation Campus Snitchhawk,” tasks the Department of Homeland Security with deploying surveillance drones equipped with facial recognition (to detect irony) and sound analysis (to flag words like “intersectional,” “coloniality,” or “vulnerability”).
Said Trump:
“These colleges are factories of Marxism, pronouns, and crying majors. I mean, we used to have engineers. Now we’ve got nonbinary poetry slammers who hate the flag.”
The drones, affectionately nicknamed “Cancelhawks,” made their first flyover at Oberlin College. They were immediately pelted with biodegradable glitter and serenaded by the Feminist A Capella Resistance Choir.
At Hampshire College, a drone was lured into a trap involving a decoy protest titled “Free the Syllabus.” It now identifies as an English major and refuses to surveil anything without being asked first.
A Trump-aligned think tank called the move “the only way to fight campus terrorism without banning books again.”
Meanwhile, MIT students hacked one drone, rerouting it to Coachella where it now critiques DJ sets for insufficient political nuance.
Asked if Yale would be targeted, Trump clarified:
“No. Jared went there. Yale is woke-but-wealthy. Harvard is just… scary-smart and Arab-y.”
Supreme Court challenge pending.