Subsidized Snooze Buttons Included
SEATTLE, Wash. — America’s socialist movement has proposed an extraordinary solution to the nation’s productivity crisis: Stop expecting people to produce anything before they’re emotionally prepared.
The breakthrough followed interviews with voters who complained that modern life involves an unreasonable number of obligations, including employment, punctuality and remembering passwords.
Why Voters Say Waking Up for Work Is Unreasonable
“People are exhausted,” explained activist and aspiring lifestyle consultant Madison Harmony. “For generations, capitalism has insisted that people wake up, go to work and somehow repeat the process five days a week.”
Harmony described the arrangement as deeply problematic.
“Why should society determine when I have to get up?”
Reporters noted that society had not determined her schedule. Her employer had.
“Exactly,” she replied. “Corporate society.”
The Restorative Employment Initiative
The movement’s proposed Restorative Employment Initiative would redefine employment to include activities that contribute to a person’s emotional development.
Qualifying activities include journaling, self-discovery, meditation, discussing systemic inequality and scrolling social media for evidence that someone else is having an easier life.
Participants could receive federal compensation for up to forty hours of weekly personal reflection.
A supplemental benefit would cover the cost of premium streaming subscriptions when documentaries become necessary for political education.
“Watching television can be incredibly demanding,” Harmony explained. “Sometimes the remote falls between the cushions.”
From the Planning Committee Minutes
Minutes from the initiative’s first planning session, which began forty minutes late, record that a motion to start the meeting on time “was tabled out of respect for the participants’ circadian experiences.” The motion carried, 6 to 0, with two members asleep.
Emotional-Readiness Alarm Clocks and the Noon Workday
The program will also replace traditional alarm clocks with government-approved motivational devices.
Rather than ringing at a fixed time, the clocks will ask users whether they feel emotionally ready to participate in the economy.
If the user answers no, the device will provide reassurance and notify the Department of Workplace Expectations.
Employers requesting that employees arrive before noon may be required to demonstrate a compelling business necessity.
A bakery owner questioned how this would work.
“We open at six in the morning,” he explained. “People buy bread before work.”
A government adviser recommended opening at two in the afternoon instead.
“But then our customers will already be home.”
“Excellent,” the adviser replied. “You’ve eliminated the morning commute.”
Burnout Is Real, Economists Say, but So Is Payroll
Labor economists acknowledge that burnout and job insecurity are serious concerns. The challenge is improving working conditions without abolishing the economic activity that pays for those improvements. The Department of Labor’s overview of the Fair Labor Standards Act already sets rules on hours and wages, though it contains no provision for emotional readiness.
Harmony dismissed this distinction.
“People should work because they feel inspired, not because they need groceries.”
Asked where groceries would come from, she pointed toward the bakery.
“But the bakery won’t be open,” the reporter observed.
“That’s a distribution problem.”
Dr. Elaine Marsh, a sleep researcher at a Pacific Northwest university, said the movement had confused rest with schedule. “People who sleep well tend to be more productive,” she said. “That’s an argument for a good night’s sleep. It isn’t an argument for the bakery opening at two.” The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention publishes guidance on healthy sleep, none of which recommends moving the bakery.
The National Breakfast Delivery Service Launch
The movement has subsequently proposed creating a National Breakfast Delivery Service, operated by workers eligible for the same flexible scheduling protections.
The service will deliver breakfast whenever the delivery employee feels prepared.
At an inaugural planning meeting, organizers announced that the program would officially launch at 9 a.m.
Nobody attended.
The meeting was rescheduled for 11.
Again, attendance was disappointing.
Finally, officials established a permanent committee to investigate why achieving collective prosperity required so much individual participation.
The committee voted unanimously to adjourn.
Five Humorous Observations
- “Why should society determine when I have to get up?” Society didn’t. Your boss did. And honestly, your boss didn’t either. Your bladder did. Everybody wakes up at 6:15 because of Gary the bladder.
- Scrolling social media to find someone having an easier life now counts as a federal job. I’ve been doing that for years. I just thought it was a cry for help.
- The alarm clock asks if you’re emotionally ready to participate in the economy. I’m not emotionally ready to participate in a Tuesday, and I have never once been asked.
- Open the bakery at two in the afternoon, and you’ve “eliminated the morning commute.” That’s like fixing a leaky roof by moving the rain.
- The breakfast delivery launch was set for nine, then eleven, and nobody came. In America we call that a Sunday brunch reservation, and the restaurant still charges us.