Congressional Judgment Replaces Personal Judgment
WASHINGTON, D.C. — After decades of questionable financial purchases, disappointing relationships and regrettable dietary choices, Americans have apparently decided that the solution to bad personal judgment is to delegate all future decisions to Congress.
The strategy has earned enthusiastic support from progressive politicians who believe ordinary citizens are capable of making terrible decisions but government employees are somehow immune.
A Federal Committee to Review Your Purchases
“People make mistakes,” explained newly elected socialist Senator Barbara Oversight. “They buy expensive vehicles, choose unsuitable partners and waste money on things they don’t need. Government can prevent these problems.”
Asked how, Oversight proposed creating a federal committee.
The committee will be responsible for reviewing important personal decisions before citizens are allowed to make them.
Its first priority will be household purchases exceeding $500.
A person wishing to buy a television must explain why the existing television is inadequate.
A citizen purchasing a new refrigerator must demonstrate that the previous refrigerator has exhausted all available federal rehabilitation opportunities.
Anyone considering a marriage proposal will need to submit a relationship feasibility study.
“Marriage is one of the most important decisions Americans make,” Oversight explained. “We cannot leave something that consequential entirely to people who are in love.”
A Filing in Federal Court
A court filing by a Dayton couple, who sued after their engagement was denied for “insufficient environmental awareness,” alleges that the board’s score sheet gave the groom zero points for “shared interests” because both partners listed “each other.” The filing asks the court to rule that the score sheet “is, in fact, the problem.” A hearing has not been scheduled.
The Federal Relationship Approval Board
The Federal Relationship Approval Board will evaluate prospective spouses using a standardized scoring system.
Applicants will receive points for financial compatibility, shared interests, environmental awareness and demonstrated willingness to attend unnecessary meetings.
The board’s deputy director, who has been divorced four times, described the system as a major improvement over traditional personal judgment.
“Love makes people irrational,” he explained. “Government paperwork makes them rational, or at least too tired to argue.”
Truck Approvals: The Plumber and the Professor
Financial decisions will receive similar oversight.
Citizens wishing to purchase boats, motorcycles or expensive automobiles must first demonstrate that their purchases serve an approved social purpose.
A plumber seeking to buy a pickup truck explained that he needed the vehicle for work.
The committee approved his application after determining that plumbing represented an essential service.
A professor seeking to purchase the same truck for recreational purposes was also approved after explaining that he intended to write a paper about truck ownership.
The professor received a research grant.
The plumber received a $75 processing fee.
Does Government Manage Money Better Than Households?
Critics expressed concern that government officials had demonstrated no particular superiority in financial management. The Government Accountability Office publishes reports on improper federal payments and program waste, and the Congressional Budget Office projects the federal debt. Neither document has been requested by the committee.
Senator Oversight rejected the criticism, explaining that government operates under an entirely different standard.
“When private citizens make mistakes, they lose money,” she said. “When government makes mistakes, it can request additional funding.”
Dr. Raymond Teller, a public finance scholar, put it more plainly. “The problem with centralized personal decision-making,” he said, “is that the person making the decision doesn’t live with the result. A household that buys the wrong refrigerator has a warm refrigerator. A committee that approves the wrong refrigerator has a meeting.”
The National Personal Regret Commission
The senator then announced plans to establish a National Personal Regret Commission.
Its mission will be to investigate every important decision Americans wish they could reverse.
Reporters asked whether congressional votes would also qualify for review.
Oversight consulted her staff.
“Absolutely not,” she answered. “We wouldn’t want to politicize the process.”
Five Humorous Observations
- You have to explain why your old television is inadequate before you can buy a new one. That’s every conversation I’ve ever had with my wife, except now the wife has a caseworker and a stamp.
- “We cannot leave marriage entirely to people who are in love.” Of course not. Love is the one thing in this country that’s never been properly audited, and look at the results: Vegas.
- A board with a deputy director who’s been divorced four times will approve your relationship. That’s like getting your parachute packed by a guy whose name you can only find in the incident reports.
- The professor gets a grant for a paper on truck ownership and the plumber gets a seventy-five-dollar fee. In this country, the guy who fixes the pipe pays and the guy who writes about the pipe gets paid.
- They’re going to investigate every decision Americans regret, but they won’t review congressional votes because they don’t want to “politicize the process.” The process is the politics. That’s the only thing in the building that’s worked.