Superman Now Cries Mid-Flight: James Gunn Redefines the Man of Steel as the Man of Feels

By the Staff of Bohiney Magazine

[BOSTON, EARTH – July 22, 2025] — In a bold cinematic maneuver, director James Gunn has turned America’s favorite invincible alien into a man so relatable, even your therapist’s therapist is worried about him.

Gone are the days when Superman punched meteors, melted tanks with his eyeballs, and saved Lois Lane without blinking. In Gunn’s version, the real struggle isn’t Lex Luthor—it’s Lexapro.

“We wanted to explore who Superman really is beneath the cape,” said Gunn at a press junket where reporters were offered mood rings instead of press kits. “Turns out, he’s mostly feelings… and a little Midwestern guilt.”

According to Gunn, Superman is being “weighed down on purpose.” Not with gravity. Not with plot. With vulnerability. Because flying is cool, but have you ever tried emotionally processing being the last son of a dead planet while dating someone who still writes for a newspaper?

Superman Has an Anxiety Disorder Now. It’s Canon.

Early screenings of “Superman: A Better Tomorrow, But With Tears” reveal an entirely new Clark Kent. This one meditates, journals, and visibly flinches when someone mentions “cape privilege.”

“He’s not weak,” said one Warner Bros. executive, “he’s just extremely in touch with his feelings and slightly overstimulated by loud villain monologues.”

In one pivotal scene, Superman tries to stop a bank robbery but pauses when the criminal, armed with nothing but daddy issues and a crowbar, says: “You wouldn’t understand what it’s like to be powerless.”

Clark freezes. Not from fear—but from empathy.

He lets the guy leave with $40,000 and later sends him a podcast recommendation: “Shame Spiral with Brene Krypton.”

From “Truth, Justice, and the American Way” to “Truth, Justice, and a Mindfulness Practice”

When asked why he dropped the iconic American tagline, Gunn explained, “The American Way is now a wellness newsletter. Superman subscribes monthly.”

The new slogan? “Truth, Justice, and a Better Tomorrow.”

“Because who wants ‘the American Way’ anymore?” asked screenwriter Delmar Glass. “It just sounds like gluten, debt, and a side of student loans.”

In the first ten minutes, Superman rescues a group of endangered bats in Nicaragua while crying softly to the sound of Philip Glass. The emotional score swells. The bats are safe. Clark is shaken.

“We needed to balance his strength with sadness,” said Gunn. “Otherwise he’s just a magical white guy saving everything. Now he’s a magical white guy… who journals.”

Lois Lane Now Has Boundaries

Lois Lane, once a plucky, death-defying reporter, now runs a Substack called “Lois & Boundaries.” She has boundaries. Superman respects them. Especially the emotional ones.

“In this universe, Lois doesn’t need saving,” explained actress Zoe Kravitz (who replaced Amy Adams). “She just needs Clark to hold space for her career transitions and intermittent fasting.”

In one scene, Clark hovers silently outside her window at 2 a.m., not to eavesdrop—but to emotionally check in. She texts back: “Not now, babe. Moon cycle.”

He nods, floats off, and attends a Zoom seminar on “Ethical Heroism in the Anthropocene.”

Kryptonite Still Kills Him, But So Does Constructive Criticism

Kryptonite is still deadly, but now it’s less physical, more metaphorical. In one scene, Clark Kent attends a dinner party where someone says, “Isn’t Superman kind of a colonialist fantasy?”

Clark chokes on his vegan borscht.

“We wanted Superman to feel the weight of being a symbol,” said Gunn. “Like Batman, but with more feelings and less dry-cleaning bills.”

What the Funny People Are Saying

“Superman used to punch meteors. Now he sighs when he opens emails.” — Jerry Seinfeld
“So now Superman has to have emotional depth? Man, the dude already sees through walls. He doesn’t need to feel through ’em too.” — Ron White
“He journals now. That’s not a superhero, that’s a girlfriend on the verge of unfollowing you.” — Sarah Silverman
“In the old days, Lex Luthor used a nuke. Now he just calls Superman ‘privileged’ on Twitter.” — Ricky Gervais
“They want us to relate to Superman. Buddy, I can’t afford dental. He bends steel. I bend my knees wrong and I’m out a week.” — Bill Burr

The Fortress of Solitude Is Now a Shared Co-Working Space

Redesigned by Gwyneth Paltrow’s Goop Architectural Division, the Fortress is no longer cold and metallic. It now includes:

• Indoor succulents

• Crystals that “absorb galactic anxiety”

• Soft lighting powered by sadness

• A de-escalation couch

“It’s not about solitude anymore,” Gunn clarified. “It’s about curated introspection.”

Lex Luthor as a Venture Capitalist Life Coach

Lex Luthor doesn’t build robots anymore. He disrupts ecosystems. Played by Mark Cuban in a bald cap, Luthor’s evil plan is to monetize the multiverse using blockchain and emotionally manipulative TED Talks.

In one scene, he throws a Tesla at Clark and screams, “You’re not depressed, you’re just unwilling to scale your potential!”

Emotional Intelligence Is the New Superpower

Superman no longer uses brute strength to stop disasters. He now uses verbal affirmation.

During an alien invasion, instead of heat vision, he calms the attackers with the phrase: “You are seen. You are enough. You don’t have to destroy Cincinnati.”

It works. The aliens weep. They hug. Superman floats gently to the ground and starts a guided meditation playlist called “Metropolis Mornings.”

Citizens of Metropolis Aren’t Impressed

A recent Pew Poll showed that 83% of Metropolis residents miss the old Superman. One man, identified only as “Larry the Roofer,” said:

“I don’t need my hero to be relatable. I need him to catch a damn bus when it’s about to crush my cousin Denise.”

Another interviewee, a bartender named Eliza, said:

“He cried while lifting a car off a child. Like, sobbed. Took five minutes. The kid’s fine. But it was… weird.”

Superman Now Flies on His Days Off, Just to “Feel Something”

Gone are the Sunday football games. This Superman spends his off-days floating above Nebraska and thinking about legacy.

“I feel like I was built to protect humanity,” he whispers. “But who protects me?”

Twitter exploded with sympathy and snark.

@JusticeWokeLeague: “Protect your inner child, Clark. You are light.”
@Lexx4Prez: “Is this still a movie or my ex-boyfriend’s voice memo?”
@TruthLasso420: “Wonder Woman would NEVER.”

Even the Cape Has a Therapist

Costume designer Anya Velasquez confirmed the new cape is made of “trauma-woven linen sourced ethically from solar sheep in Peru.” It is “emotionally absorbent” and “weighted for regulation.”

“It’s basically a $4 million security blanket,” she said. “But sexy.”

Zack Snyder Fans Launch Support Group

Disappointed fans from the Snyderverse have formed a coalition called “Make Superman Stoic Again.”

Their mission: To bring back the days when Superman’s biggest weakness was other people’s destruction, not his own feelings.

“I don’t want a Superman who pauses mid-punch to process,” said group founder Kyle M. from Akron. “I want heat vision and at least one building collapse per act.”

The Box Office Outcome? Surprisingly Soaring

Despite the online rage, “Superman: A Better Tomorrow, But With Tears” opened to record numbers.

Therapists were thrilled.

“It’s the most accurate depiction of high-functioning depression in a god I’ve ever seen,” said Dr. Mallory Steen, who’s currently treating three actors who auditioned for Clark and now believe they can float.

Gunn’s Long Game: A Justice League That Cries Together

If Superman cries now, just wait for the Justice League sequel: “Crisis of Infinite Emotions.”

Leaked details include:

• Batman attending silent rage retreats

• Aquaman confronting abandonment issues over Atlantis

• Wonder Woman starting a podcast called “Shielded But Soft”

• The Flash, unable to slow down his thoughts, begins Zoloft

• Cyborg launches a dating app called Binary Heart

Meanwhile, Marvel Is Just Watching and Laughing

Kevin Feige was quoted saying, “We tried making Thor cry once. Fans set our merch booth on fire.”

Meanwhile, Deadpool reportedly DM’d Superman: “Hey, buddy. You okay? You keep sighing mid-air like my uncle after family court.”

Final Scene: Superman Holds Himself

In the film’s final scene, Superman isn’t battling Doomsday or stopping a nuke. He’s hugging himself in the mirror.

“I am enough,” he whispers, hovering gently in front of his reflection. “I don’t have to save everyone. Just… the parts of me I keep hidden.”

Critics are calling it “a brave turn,” “a cinematic breakthrough,” and “a very expensive therapy commercial.”

Conclusion: Man of Steel, Heart of Foam

James Gunn didn’t just reboot Superman—he reparented him.

This is no longer the man who leaps tall buildings in a single bound. This is the man who climbs emotional mountains in $6,000 boots made of ethical solitude.

He’s not the hero we wanted. He’s the hero our inner child wrote letters to while journaling during a cacao ceremony in Bali.

And maybe, just maybe, that’s what America needs.

Or maybe we just need someone to save the damn bus.

Auf Wiedersehen, amigos.

Superman Diagnosed With Seasonal Moral Disorder

Doctors at the Metropolis Wellness Center have officially diagnosed Superman with Seasonal Moral Disorder (SMD), a new condition affecting super-powered individuals who carry the burden of universal justice through varying climate conditions.

“Every winter, he questions if saving people is just enabling their codependency,” said Dr. Lindy Horvath, therapist to multiple gods and one highly intelligent raccoon. “By March, he’s sobbing into his cape wondering if truth and justice are merely Western constructs.”

Symptoms include compulsive rooftop brooding, loss of x-ray appetite, and irritability toward orphans.

Superman’s emotional range now shifts with daylight. One day he’s saving orphans; the next, he’s googling “How to escape Earth with grace.”

Kryptonian scholars call it “Solstice Sadness.” Meanwhile, local citizens just want their hero back.

“I’m not saying he can’t have feelings,” said one grocery store cashier, “but can we get through ONE hostage situation without a philosophical debate about utilitarianism?”

Superman’s response? A press release written entirely in lowercase and emojis. He’s reportedly taking a sabbatical in Iceland to “realign with his purpose.”

Lois Lane Files Restraining Order Against Floating Boyfriend

After years of romantic turbulence and late-night sky-creeping, journalist Lois Lane has filed a restraining order against Superman.

“He doesn’t knock. He just hovers,” Lois told reporters while holding a cold brew and blinking rapidly. “Sometimes he brings flowers, other times he brings a monologue about his alienation. I just want a stable boyfriend who can’t hear my heartbeat from four states away.”

Court documents reveal Superman often appeared unannounced—sometimes mid-argument, sometimes mid-shower.

The final straw? “He brought up my therapy notes during dinner,” Lois said. “He read them through my tote bag.”

Metropolis Police say it’s the first restraining order issued against an extraterrestrial, though Batman has had one pending since 2014.

Superman was seen in court wearing Clark Kent’s glasses and holding a handwritten apology that read, “I just wanted to understand you. Is that… criminal?”

“Yes,” said Judge Horowitz, “when it violates airspace.”

Fans are divided. Some call Lois “brave.” Others accuse her of “abandoning the last decent man with heat vision.” Meanwhile, Superman’s PR team insists he’s committed to boundaries and has joined an accountability circle in the Fortress of Solitude.

Lex Luthor Wins Award for “Best Gaslighting by a Bald Billionaire”

The 2025 Emotional Manipulation Awards (EMAs) crowned Lex Luthor the undisputed master of billionaire gaslighting last night, beating out Elon Musk, Jeff Bezos, and a rogue AI therapist.

“This isn’t even my real plan,” Luthor whispered while accepting the trophy. “Or is it?”

Judges praised Luthor’s relentless ability to simultaneously destroy cities and convince Metropolis that it was Superman’s fault. “That’s a masterclass in redirecting blame,” said award presenter Gwyneth Paltrow, adjusting her aura crystals.

Examples cited included:

• Convincing the public Superman causes more destruction than he prevents.

• Publishing think-pieces titled “Is Flight Elitist?”

• Asking Lois Lane, “Is Clark really good for you? He is friends with Batman…”

Luthor dedicated the award to “the inner saboteur in all of us,” and then launched a book titled Gaslight, Gatekeep, Galactic Domination.

Superman, in response, tweeted a single word: “Ouch.”

Meanwhile, Batman smirked silently in the shadows and updated his LinkedIn: “Still not Lex.”

Batman Cancels Superman’s Podcast Appearance for Being “Too Soft”

In a now-deleted Instagram story, Batman confirmed he canceled Superman’s upcoming appearance on his podcast, “Brooding in the Batcave,” citing “emotional fragility.”

“He submitted questions like, *‘What’s your love language?’ and ‘Can trauma be inherited from destroyed planets?’ That’s not brooding. That’s brunch with a licensed therapist.”

Batman, known for hard stares and softer daddy issues, was reportedly concerned that Superman’s recent emotional arc would “throw off the tone.” Robin agreed, texting: “He cried watching a bat documentary. Not ready for Gotham.”

Superman responded in a Notes App screenshot:

“I am not ‘soft.’ I am processing. Strength isn’t stoicism. It’s showing up despite vulnerability. Namaste.”

Public reaction was split. Gothamites cheered Batman’s stoicism while Metropolis Twitter trended #LetSupesSpeak.

Alfred declined to comment, but was seen carrying a mug labeled “Emotional Intelligence is a Superpower.”

Negotiations are underway for Superman to appear instead on Wonder Woman’s podcast “Warrior Wellness,” which focuses on compassion-based combat and chia seed resilience.

Wonder Woman Opens Wellness Retreat for Emotionally Burned-Out Gods

Themyscira is now home to GaiaGrounds, a new wellness retreat founded by Diana Prince to serve emotionally drained demigods, immortals, and cosmic beings who just need to chill out already.

With daily cacao ceremonies, goddess-led breathwork, and “rage journaling” under a full moon, the retreat promises to help divine beings reconnect with their purpose without punching anyone.

“Thor came last week,” Diana told Empowered Deity Quarterly. “He screamed into a seashell and left sobbing, but lighter.”

Superman is on the waitlist. Batman refused entry after failing the Emotional Openness quiz (he circled “prefer not to answer” for every question).

GaiaGrounds features:

• Lava-rock hammocks

• Affirmation shields (“I am worthy of my own lasso”)

• Deep dive therapy circles in the Aegean Sea

Critics call it “Eat, Pray, Smite.” Zeus’s RSVP is pending.

Diana insists this isn’t about monetizing trauma: “It’s about turning divine pain into empowered softness. Also, yes, there’s a merch line.”

New Justice League App Offers On-Demand Group Therapy

Move over Uber—Justice League’s newest innovation is TheraHero, an app offering on-demand group therapy sessions led by Martian Manhunter, who moonlights as a licensed empath.

“Sometimes saving the world isn’t enough,” said app spokesperson Cyborg. “Sometimes, you gotta process the saving.”

Users can join themed chatrooms such as:

• “Cape Fatigue & Chronic Savior Syndrome”

• “Dating While Immortal”

• “My Sidekick Outgrew Me and Now Has a Podcast”

Each session ends with a guided meditation led by Aquaman titled “Breathe In, Breathe Out, Don’t Flood the Surface.”

The app includes a “panic button” for villains to confess remorse anonymously, and an AI-powered feature called “BatBot” that automatically analyzes your trauma using voice memos and sarcasm.

Early reviews are glowing.

“I used to fly into space to scream,” said Superman. “Now I just tap ‘schedule vulnerability.’”

TheraHero currently ranks higher than Tinder in the App Store. Batman still refuses to download it, citing privacy concerns and something about “emotional tracking cookies.”

Public Asks Superman: “Can You Please Just Punch Something Already?”

After months of introspection, journaling, and softly floating while whispering affirmations, the general public has one request for Superman:

“Can you PLEASE just punch something already?”

The petition, titled “Bring Back Fist Supes,” has over 10 million signatures and was launched by a frustrated plumber from Detroit who simply wants aliens to explode again.

“We get it, you’re sad,” said one signatory. “So am I. But I still have to fix my mother-in-law’s sink. Where’s the boom, Clark?”

Recent rescues include Superman gently disarming a bomb using compassionate listening, and de-escalating a hostage situation with interpretive dance.

In a televised statement, Superman said: “I will not be defined by violence. Justice is not brute force—it is alignment.”

Seconds later, a building collapsed due to an unchecked villain. Citizens were seen muttering, “A punch would’ve been nice.”

Lois Lane commented, “I support his growth, but I do miss when he used to throw tanks into the sun.”

Henry Cavill Seen Crying into Old Cape at Comic Con

Former Superman actor Henry Cavill was spotted in the San Diego Comic Con parking lot, tearfully clutching his iconic cape and whispering, “I punched things. I punched them.”

Witnesses say Cavill, dressed in cargo shorts and nostalgia, quietly recited old Zack Snyder fight choreography while sipping a Red Bull and petting the cape like a grieving ex.

“They don’t want strength anymore,” he reportedly said. “They want self-reflection. I trained for biceps, not boundaries.”

Fans attempted to console him with free Funko Pops, but he waved them off and muttered, “I was the last of the testosterone Supes.”

A representative claims Cavill is preparing for a role as “Emotionally Reserved Dad #3” in an upcoming Hallmark thriller.

Still, bystanders say he looked heroic in sadness.

“He wasn’t Superman,” said one cosplayer dressed as Deadpool. “But in that moment, he was Everyman.”

Critics Hail Superman’s Cape as “The Weighted Blanket of Our Time”

GQ, Vogue, and Mental Health Monthly have declared Superman’s new cape “the weighted blanket of our time.”

Lined with ethical wool and pressure-sensitive empathy tech, the cape now offers therapeutic grounding for super-emotional moments.

“It holds you like Ma Kent,” said costume designer Kora Blest. “Without the judgment.”

Superman reportedly wraps himself in it after rescue missions, sighing deeply while sipping turmeric oat lattes and streaming Great British Bake-Off.

Children now ask for “the healing cape” in stores. Target is launching a retail version this fall, retailing at $899 and scented with “emotional victory.”

Batman called it “fancy curtain cosplay.”

Superman replied with a single tear and the words: “Healing isn’t always visible. But it is always stylish.”

Congress Declares Superman an “Emotionally Endangered Species”

In a bipartisan vote, Congress has officially listed Superman under the Emotional Endangered Species Act, citing his rapid decline in emotional stoicism and sharp uptick in crying during aerial rescues.

“We used to fear him,” said Rep. Marjorie Cuddle (I-VT). “Now we just worry he’ll never forgive himself for Hiroshima.”

The designation protects Superman from harsh feedback, late-night Twitter draggings, and harshly lit press conferences. It also funds a National Fortress Sanctuary in Kansas where he can “unpack his role in global expectations.”

Critics say it’s political pandering. Supporters say it’s long overdue.

“Do you know what it’s like to be the hope of humanity and deal with Lois’s gluten allergy?” asked Rep. Alexandria Feelings-Cortez (D-NY).

Superman is reportedly honored but conflicted.

“I never wanted to be endangered,” he said. “But I accept this label… as long as it comes with a commemorative pin.”

He then flew off gently toward the sunset—at 15 mph. Emotionally.

What The Funny People Are Saying…

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“So now Superman has to have ‘emotional depth’? Buddy, the man shoots lasers outta his eyes. How much deeper do you want him to be? He already sees through walls — what’s he gonna do, cry through them too?” — Ron White

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“Gunn said he wants Superman to be more grounded. More grounded?! The guy flies. The only thing that grounds him is a glowing space rock and a breakup.” — Jerry Seinfeld

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“Superman used to fight Lex Luthor. Now he’s fighting imposter syndrome. Next summer: ‘Superman vs. His Own Inner Child!’” — Sarah Silverman

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“James Gunn wants us to relate to Superman. Yeah, because I too was raised by corn-fed philosophers on a space farm in Kansas while hiding my alien powers during puberty.” — Larry David

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“You know it’s bad when even Superman needs a support llama and a breathing app.” — Amy Schumer

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“Gunn said Superman needs flaws. Mission accomplished — he’s dating a journalist in a recession.” — Dave Chappelle

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“In the new movie, Superman hesitates before saving people. He’s like, ‘What if I rescue them, but emotionally I’m enabling them?’” — Tig Notaro

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“Superman now has trauma. Great. So instead of flying into the sun, he’s flying into a group therapy session called ‘Cape Holders Anonymous.’” — Kevin Hart

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“James Gunn made Superman sad so we could relate. Well, I don’t have a fortress. I have a studio apartment and a neighbor named Gary who sings Meatloaf at 3AM. We’re not the same.” — Ricky Gervais

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“In the 1950s, Superman punched Hitler in the face. In 2025, he journals about it and says, ‘I feel triggered by fascism.’” — Bill Burr

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“Now when Lois falls out of a helicopter, Superman doesn’t just save her — he asks if she’s ready to unpack some childhood abandonment issues first.” — Trevor Noah

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“They say this new Superman is relatable. Yeah, sure. He’s still hot, immortal, and built like a protein shake. The only thing we have in common is we both wear the same hoodie three days in a row.” — Ali Wong