The City of Angels Just Wants Criminals to Feel Comfortable

Thug Mexican and Venezuelan Immigrants Try to Free Rapists from LA Jail

LOS ANGELES — In a city renowned for its openness, tolerance, and deep appreciation for artisanal everything—from coffee to cat yoga—residents are drawing the line at ICE detaining what activists call “overachieving undocumented residents with non-traditional careers.” Or, as federal authorities clarified in a less poetic press release: 12 convicted murderers and 22 rapists.

That’s right. Twenty-two rapists. Twelve murderers. All swept up in a recent ICE operation conducted at 3 a.m., a time now referred to in activist circles as “Oppression O’Clock.”

But don’t call it law enforcement. In L.A., that’s considered microaggression with a side of colonialism.

As news spread that ICE had insensitively arrested nearly three dozen men with “unconventional résumés,” several dozen Angelenos took to the streets, holding cardboard signs and sipping $9 lattes while chanting “Let Them Go—They’re Just Misunderstood!”

Bohiney Insight into the Scene

Pro-Crime Protests Continue in Los Angeles

• Protesters wore T-shirts that said, “Hug a Felon.”

• One activist wore a sash reading “Miss Incarcerated 2025” in solidarity.

• A “Pardon Me” flash mob danced on the courthouse steps to Meghan Trainor’s “All About That Rape Apology.”

• Celebrities voiced support, including Shia LaBeouf, who tweeted, “Prison is a social construct.”

• A group of Berkeley sociology students carried signs reading “Murderers are People Too. Just Spicier.”

• An art installation titled “Caged by ICE, Freed by Feelings” went viral on TikTok after a dancer dressed as a bloody machete wept on the steps of City Hall.

• Several protestors demanded ICE agents be required to use the term “non-consensual affection practitioners” instead of “rapists.”

• Local juice bar “Kaleifornia Redemption” created a new smoothie called “The Innocent Offender” (ingredients: beet, blood orange, and legal immunity).

• A GoFundMe raised $84,000 for a murderer’s bail before realizing… he’s already convicted. Whoops.

• At least one woman at the protest claimed her rapist was “really good at yoga” and “probably reformed.”

• Protesters held a vigil lit by soy wax candles in the shape of Glocks.

• “Murder is a trauma response” shirts sold out in 34 minutes.

What the Funny People Are Saying

“If we don’t let murderers stay, who’s going to do our podcasts about murderers?” — Sarah Silverman

“Only in L.A. do people protest the arrest of a guy named ‘El Stabby.'” — Ron White

“So 12 murderers and 22 rapists walk into Los Angeles… and the punchline is: the crowd goes wild!” — Jerry Seinfeld

“Murderers are just passionate life consultants, really.” — Amy Schumer

“ICE got 22 rapists off the street. L.A. responded with tears, hashtags, and emotional harmonica solos.” — Bill Burr

“We asked ICE to arrest the real criminals, like landlords and gluten.” — Tig Notaro

“They say you shouldn’t judge people. Especially not based on… multiple homicides.” — Dave Chappelle

“In L.A., if you murder someone but recycle the weapon, they’ll name a street after you.” — Kevin Hart

“One protester said, ‘My ex was arrested.’ Girl, your ex was on Dateline!” — Ricky Gervais

“ICE isn’t popular in L.A. unless it’s in your activated charcoal latte.” — Ali Wong

“Murderers aren’t monsters—they just have strong boundaries.” — Trevor Noah

“The only difference between a barista and a violent felon in Silver Lake is the neck tattoo font.” — Larry David

A Parade of Absurdity

Pro-Crime Protests Continue in Los Angeles

The scene outside the Metropolitan Detention Center resembled a county fair hosted by Karl Marx and Quentin Tarantino.

A stilt-walker in a prison jumpsuit handed out pamphlets titled “Deconstructing Punishment: A Zine.”

Vegan tamales shaped like machetes were passed around.

One man chained himself to the ICE van, screaming, “I am my brother’s keeper!” as officials informed him his “brother” was convicted of triple homicide and once bit someone during a dispute over microwave use.

Another protester climbed atop a soapbox to declare, “We should abolish not only prisons, but also the idea of responsibility.” He was later identified as a self-proclaimed “Crime Coach” named Daxlyn, who charges $300 per session to help people find their “inner felon.”

Celebrity Statements, of Course

Naturally, the situation became a Hollywood cause célèbre within 11 seconds.

Alyssa Milano tweeted: “When they came for the murderers, I said nothing. Because I was in my sauna. But now I say something: love always wins. #FreeRandyTheRipper.”

Jaden Smith released a spoken word poem titled “Who Kills the Killer’s Kill?”

Meghan Markle offered to host a “circle of healing” for all the arrested criminals—at Oprah’s house.

Leonardo DiCaprio, confused by the backlash, accidentally donated $50K to ICE and immediately deleted his account.

Confused Local Reactions

Not everyone was on board.

A 67-year-old man named Harold yelled from his second-story apartment window, “YOU’RE PROTESTING THE ARREST OF A SERIAL RAPIST? WHAT IN THE FRESH-BAKED IDIOCY IS THIS?”

He was promptly reported for “verbal violence” and placed on a community watchlist for future rehabilitation seminars.

One anonymous Uber driver told us, “Look, I’m all for restorative justice. But when you’re protesting a dude named ‘Choke Master Julio,’ I think maybe it’s time to reflect.”

The Language Wars Begin

The L.A. City Council proposed new language guidelines for local media:

• “Murderer” → “Life-Altering Decision Maker”

• “Rapist” → “Boundary Challenger”

• “ICE Operation” → “Non-consensual Guest Escort”

• “Convicted” → “Government-validated misunderstood citizen”

One council member said, “The real tragedy is the dehumanizing language. Let’s remember these aren’t criminals—they’re vibes with a criminal history.”

The Psychology of Protest: A Satirical Survey

Dr. Brittany Breeze, a psychologist with a degree from an online academy called “Feelings First Institute,” ran a survey of the protest crowd. Her findings:

• 62% of protestors had a podcast about feelings.

• 44% admitted they’d never met any of the arrestees.

• 17% thought “rape” was a metaphor.

• 9% were just lost and thought it was a farmer’s market.

She concluded, “We must reframe these acts as misunderstood expressions of freedom. Yes, even murder. Especially murder.”

Campus Activists Join the Fight

UCLA students staged a “walk-in” (the opposite of a walk-out, because most didn’t want to miss lunch). During the event:

• Professors handed out fliers about “Compassionate Criminality.”

• A workshop titled “Let’s Talk About Serial Killers Without Judging Their Astrological Signs” was held on campus.

• One sociology major demanded ICE agents pass a vibes test before conducting raids.

Meanwhile, ICE Just Sighed

Pro-Crime Protests Continue in Los Angeles

Agent Juan Martinez, who led the arrest, issued a statement:
“Look, we literally arrested 34 people convicted of horrible violent crimes. This isn’t ‘breaking up families’—this is removing people who break spines, dignity, and door locks.”

He then walked away from the mic, only to be followed by a protester who yelled, “You ICE people are cold!” to scattered applause.

Bohiney Historical Context Corner

In 1978, L.A. protested a serial killer’s arrest, claiming he was “part of the creative community.”
In 1993, citywide murals depicted a gang leader as a misunderstood sculptor.
And in 2009, a rapist-turned-poet received an NEA grant.
So really, this is just tradition with oat milk foam.

Funny Evidence from the Scene

• A protest sign read: “Don’t Deport Talent!” with a photo of a known strangler who once sculpted a dog from prison soap.

• A woman said she was “sexually healed” after reading her assailant’s apology letter in cursive.

• A protest dog wore a “Fur-give & Forget” vest and bit three people.

• The crowd used biodegradable glitter to distract ICE agents.

• One TikToker reenacted a rape trial using claymation, declaring it “healing performance art.”

• The term “manslaughter” was replaced in protest literature with “emotionally-enhanced manscaping.”

A Word from the Philosophers

Dr. Kenyon Floss, a postmodern ethics professor at Echo Park Community College, explained the protests as “a dialectic of virtue and violence.”

“Let us ask not, ‘Did he kill?’ but ‘What did society kill in him first?’”

A guy nearby named Lenny replied, “That man killed three dudes with a shovel.”

Floss nodded, sipping mushroom tea. “Soil trauma. It’s deep.”

Closing Thoughts

Only in Los Angeles could the arrest of multiple convicted violent criminals spark outrage, candlelight vigils, interpretive dance, celebrity hashtags, and a smoothie line named after criminal pathology.

It is the only city in the world where empathy is limitless, accountability is optional, and a man with six confirmed stabbings can still get a profile in Dwell Magazine if he arranges his shank collection by feng shui.

So when ICE rolls through with a busload of legally justified warrants and full documentation, remember: in Los Angeles, that’s the real crime.

Auf Wiedersehen, amigos.

MORE NEWS:

Confused Felon Asks for Legal Asylum and Wi-Fi Password

LOS ANGELES — A self-identified “citizen of the world and occasional burglar,” known only as “Blade,” was detained during an ICE raid in Silver Lake after politely asking for asylum and the Wi-Fi password in the same sentence. Witnesses say Blade, 29, wore a hoodie that read “Crimes are Just Opinions” and was holding a vegan donut while explaining to ICE officers that he was “deeply spiritual and mostly non-violent unless provoked by capitalism.” According to field notes, the suspect asked agents, “Is this the kind of asylum where I get a bunk bed, or do I still have to Venmo rent?” His arrest sparked immediate protest from a local artists’ collective, who claim Blade once painted an emotional landscape using only stolen makeup. ICE has not commented, but one anonymous agent said, “He handed us a burner phone, a bail schedule, and a request for the guest Wi-Fi like he was checking into an Airbnb.” Legal experts remain baffled by the growing trend of criminals requesting asylum with the entitlement of brunch guests. A Change.org petition has already launched under the hashtag #LetBladeStream, calling for his immediate release and a VPN sponsorship deal. Blade remains detained but has reportedly updated his Tinder bio to “Unlawfully hot. Will flee.”

ICE Agents Confiscate Emotional Support Machete

LOS ANGELES — During an early morning raid in Boyle Heights, ICE agents seized what one undocumented suspect described as his “emotional support machete,” sparking outrage among activist circles who argue that the weapon was “more symbolic than stabby.” The machete—wrapped in yarn and bearing a sticker reading “Slice the Patriarchy”—was reportedly used for ceremonial dance, avocado harvesting, and “only the occasional self-defense-related mugging.” Protesters immediately gathered outside ICE headquarters, holding signs like “Knives Need Love Too” and “Don’t Deport My Therapy Blade.” A spokesperson for ICE clarified that while they do make room for religious artifacts and medical devices, “bladed weapons wrapped in artisanal macramé still fall under the category of ‘nope.’” The machete’s owner, a man known locally as “Lil’ Shank,” has since filed a federal motion demanding the return of his property under the Emotional Weaponry Protection Act (which doesn’t exist, but his lawyer insists it feels like it should). Meanwhile, Etsy sellers have reported a spike in orders for crocheted scabbards and weapon-warmers, citing “rising machete anxiety in progressive households.” ICE maintains it acted according to standard protocol, though one agent admitted under anonymity, “It had googly eyes glued to the hilt. I almost felt bad.”

Los Angeles Council Declares All Crimes “Context-Dependent”

LOS ANGELES — In a 9-2 vote this week, the Los Angeles City Council passed Resolution 44-B, declaring that all crimes within city limits are now “context-dependent” and “emotionally situational.” The legislation was introduced by Councilmember Sage Willow-Breeze, who explained that “stealing, assault, and even light treason must be judged not by outdated laws, but by the perpetrator’s mood, star sign, and trauma timeline.” Under the new ordinance, judges are required to consult tarot readers and community doulas before sentencing, and courtrooms must provide beanbag chairs and herbal tea for defendants. Public safety officials are skeptical. LAPD Chief Ramón Gutierrez issued a terse statement: “We can’t prosecute an arsonist just because Mercury was in retrograde.” The first to benefit from the law is an aspiring sound healer who robbed a bank while off his microdose. His defense? “Capitalism made me do it.” He was given six weeks of guided journaling. Proponents say the measure will reduce recidivism by “reframing crime as misunderstood performance art.” Critics, meanwhile, are calling the policy “legally feral” and fear a rise in interpretive criminality. As of press time, three jaywalkers had been acquitted after explaining they were “reclaiming ancestral crossing patterns.”

Yoga Teacher Turned Serial Mugger Claims “Spiritual Awakening”
VENICE BEACH — A local yoga instructor turned serial mugger is now marketing his string of violent robberies as “a form of high-frequency energy redistribution.” Dakota “Dagger Breath” Moon, 34, was arrested after a months-long spree where he would greet joggers with “Namaste,” then immediately demand their wallets while performing Warrior II pose. When asked about his crimes, Moon told reporters, “Mugging is just aggressive grounding work. They gave me money. I gave them ego death.” His defense team has filed a motion for “spiritual leniency,” arguing Moon’s actions were the inevitable consequence of merging kundalini energy with unpaid rent. Supporters have gathered outside the jail in flowing linen, chanting “Let the chakra choose!” Meanwhile, former students have mixed reactions. One woman said, “Sure, he stole my purse. But he realigned my spine before sprinting off, so I’m torn.” Moon is reportedly pitching a self-help book titled Robbery and Reiki: 7 Steps to Financial Transcendence. His bail was posted by an ayahuasca cult who believe he’s the reincarnation of a misunderstood Incan debt collector. LAPD remains unimpressed. “Look,” said one officer, “just because you chant doesn’t mean you didn’t choke someone.”

Beverly Hills Fundraiser to Raise Bail for Arsonist Art Collective
BEVERLY HILLS — The city’s elite gathered last night in a candlelit Bel-Air mansion (ironically flammable) to raise money for “FIRE4ART,” a radical performance collective arrested last week for allegedly torching a Pasadena Home Depot in protest of “corporate lumber karma.” The fundraiser, titled Blaze for Justice, featured a vegan tasting menu, live interpretive dance set to sirens, and a ceremonial burning of $100 bills to symbolize wealth cleansing. Celebrities in attendance included Kristen Stewart, who wore a fire-retardant gown, and Banksy (or possibly a man named Craig). The accused arsonists, known by names like Ember, Smokechild, and Susan, claim the Home Depot fire was “an immersive statement on consumer despair.” A silent auction included framed matches and limited-edition lighters engraved with “Burn the Binary.” Critics argue the event glamorizes violence, but donors disagree. “They’re not criminals,” said one heiress. “They’re post-modern shamans expressing heat-based grief.” By the end of the evening, $1.4 million had been raised—enough for bail, legal fees, and a new pyrotechnic mural titled Late Capitalism Smolders. Local officials remain wary, with Fire Chief Dave Romero dryly noting, “They’re artists, sure. But I’m still the one putting out their feelings with a hose.”

Petition Demands ICE Agents Complete 40 Hours of Trauma Yoga Before Raids
LOS ANGELES — A viral Change.org petition with over 84,000 digital signatures is demanding that all ICE agents complete “at least 40 hours of trauma-informed yoga and inner-child restoration therapy” before conducting immigration raids. The initiative, spearheaded by the activist collective “Namaste Not Deport,” insists that agents breathe through their “aggression chakras” before knocking on any doors. “This isn’t about politics,” said organizer SkyRain Phoenix. “It’s about mindful deportation.” The proposed program includes breathwork, goat yoga, sound baths, and one hour of silent eye contact with a portrait of Ruth Bader Ginsburg. ICE officials responded with a confused press release that simply read, “What?” Protesters gathered outside a government facility this week, placing aromatherapy diffusers at the gates and chanting “Inhale empathy, exhale enforcement.” A pilot course was tested on one agent who now refuses to wear a vest “because it blocks heart flow.” Critics argue the plan could interfere with actual law enforcement, but the petition’s backers say that’s the point. “We’re not trying to eliminate ICE,” SkyRain clarified. “We’re trying to melt it into a soothing puddle of self-awareness.” As of press time, someone in Venice Beach was seen offering agents rose quartz “in case they needed to arrest anyone with compassion.”