TAIWAN TRIES DEMOCRACY

ORIGINAL ISSUE – Bohiney Magazine from February 22, 1947

TAIWAN TRIES DEMOCRACY, CHINESE GOVERNMENT RESPONDS WITH BULLETS AND BAD MANNERS

“28 Is Just a Number,” Says KMT Official as Entire Island Tries to Become One Giant Complaint Letter

Taipei, Taiwan — February 28, 1947
In the most shocking development since someone tried to mail Chiang Kai-shek a resignation letter in fortune cookie form, Taiwan has erupted in full-blown anti-government protests after a woman selling contraband cigarettes was allegedly slapped harder than the entire island’s postwar economy.

What began as one woman losing her tobacco became a national referendum on being ignored, exploited, and lightly occupied by a paranoid regime with more rifles than rice.

The Kuomintang, China’s ruling party in exile (and possibly also in denial), responded by doing what all insecure governments do when citizens raise concerns: they sent in troops, banned questions, and called it a misunderstanding. A very loud, very deadly misunderstanding.

“Democratic Aspirations? Never Heard of Her,” Says General Who Arrived with Six Tanks and No Translator

When asked if the use of live ammunition on civilians might be considered excessive, one KMT officer replied:

“No no, this is Chinese democracy. You protest, we shoot. Then everyone is quiet and democracy wins.”

An observer from the U.S. Navy described the situation thus:

“It’s like watching someone try to fix a flat tire with a bazooka. Technically it works, but at what cost?”

Island-Wide Revolt Breaks Out Over Much More Than Cigarettes — Also Includes: Nepotism, Corruption, and a Lack of Decent Soup

Protesters began as angry citizens with slogans and grievances, but quickly escalated into angrier citizens with Molotov cocktails and surprisingly good organizational skills, which the KMT interpreted as a hostile takeover attempt by Satan and/or Roosevelt.

Eyewitnesses report city halls occupied, radio stations hijacked, and at least three elderly men trying to declare their living room a new parliament.

Meanwhile, Chiang Kai-shek released a statement that translated loosely to:

“We will restore order using only the softest, kindest bullets.”

Government Promises Inquiry After Everyone Involved Has Been Shot

In a bid to show they’re listening, the ruling Chinese officials promised a full investigation into themselves, to be conducted by themselves, once the “riotous element” has been fully pacified, processed, and permanently relocated to the afterlife.

A KMT press officer explained,

“We’re committed to justice. First, we remove all witnesses. Then we search for the truth.”

“Democracy takes time,” added another official. “Especially when you start by executing the clocks.”

U.S. Tries to Look Concerned, Realizes It’s Only Got 3 Reporters Left in Asia and One’s on Leave

Over in Washington, D.C., officials grimaced diplomatically, issued a vague statement about “regional complexities,” and then moved on to more important business — namely, launching Voice of America to shout democracy at people who still don’t have running water.

Unofficially, a U.S. ambassador was heard muttering,

“We thought Chiang was the reasonable one. Turns out he’s just Hoover with better hair.”

What Is the 2/28 Incident, Really? A Case Study in Bad Management Meets Angry Island With Radios

Political scientists (the two that exist in 1947) have described Taiwan’s revolt as a predictable outcome of combining the following:

One fragile government on the run from Communists
One island of angry locals tired of being treated like extra luggage
And one culturally unaware ruling class who thought Taiwan was just “China’s Hawaii but with fewer pineapples”

As Dr. Edgar Smeed of Oxford’s Department of Post-War Panic put it:

“When you ignore local needs, crush free speech, and import bureaucrats like they’re teabags, eventually the kettle whistles.”

He then added, “Also, give the Taiwanese back their cigarettes, for heaven’s sake.”

What the Funny People Are Saying

“You slap one woman over a cigarette, and next thing you know, the whole island’s in flames. That’s not policy. That’s vaudeville.” — Milton Berle

“Taiwan tried to talk, and the government said, ‘Shh!’ with bullets.” — Red Skelton

“Democracy knocked. The KMT answered with a tank and a grammar book.” — George Burns

Satirical Sources

Based on real events beginning February 28, 1947, known as the 2/28 Incident, in which civilian protests in Taiwan were met with brutal military suppression by the Kuomintang. This satirical journalism is composed by two independent minds — the world’s oldest tenured professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer, both currently banned from Taiwan and mainland China for making fun of things you’re not supposed to.

Auf Wiedersehen!

TAIWAN TRIES DEMOCRACY, KUOMINTANG REPLIES WITH BULLETS AND A SHOUTY MEMO

February 28, 1947 — Taipei
In what future historians will politely call “a brutal mishandling of civic feedback”, Taiwan’s attempt at democratic expression ended in violence this week as the ruling Kuomintang (KMT) government responded to a local protest with military precision, political denial, and bullets that asked no questions.

The catalyst? A local woman selling black-market cigarettes was allegedly assaulted by government agents, setting off a domino of rage that toppled any illusion of postwar harmony.

As crowds gathered to express discontent, the KMT opted for its traditional communication method: tanks and the phrase, “There is nothing to see here.”

“There is no uprising,” insisted one party official as the capital burned behind him. “Only unlicensed patriotism.”

The Incident That Sparked an Island-Wide Revolt

It began when two monopoly agents confronted a 40-something widow selling cigarettes to support her family. After a heated exchange, she was reportedly struck in public and had her stock confiscated, which the locals viewed as an assault not just on a woman, but on their postwar dignity, economy, and right to breathe nicotine in peace.

Word spread quickly. Protesters gathered the next morning at the Monopoly Bureau. They were met with gunfire.

As one survivor told a local reporter:

“We shouted. They answered with bullets. That’s not a dialogue. That’s a dictatorship on shuffle mode.”

Governor Chen Yi Responds by Reading from a Shrug

Governor Chen Yi, nominal leader of Taiwan and part-time metaphor for authoritarianism, assured the public that order would be restored “soon,” and that the violence was due to “miscommunication between government personnel and reality.”

He released an official statement:

“There will be an investigation. After everyone responsible is unavailable for questioning.”

The Kuomintang: “No One Died, But If They Did, They Probably Deserved It”

When asked about the civilian death toll, KMT spokesmen alternated between:

“There were no civilian casualties.”
“If there were, they were communist sympathizers.”
“We have no idea where those bodies came from.”
“Can’t we talk about the weather?”

Unofficial tallies by local journalists suggest several thousand dead by early March. The government, however, insists it’s “fake news” delivered by “ungrateful radio listeners.”

U.S. Response: “Oh No, Anyway…”

The United States, which supports the KMT as a bulwark against communism, reacted with a perfectly measured dose of moral disappointment and strategic amnesia.

An aide at the State Department was overheard saying:

“It’s a shame, but have you seen what Stalin’s doing this week?”

Voice of America briefly interrupted its jazz broadcast to mention the incident, then resumed a Glenn Miller medley titled “Freedom in D-flat.”

Street Protests Multiply, but Not the Number of Reporters

By February 28, protests had spread across the island. Every city from Keelung to Tainan was swept up in a tidal wave of collective frustration, anti-corruption chants, and increasingly sophisticated handmade banners.

A 14-year-old boy organized a protest in Hsinchu using only a bicycle, a megaphone, and a stolen typewriter. He was later arrested for “aspiring to freedom.”

“I thought we were part of the Republic of China,” said one protester. “Turns out we’re part of a republic-shaped firing squad.”

Martial Law Declared, Because Who Doesn’t Love a Parade of Bayonets?

By March 1, the KMT had declared martial law and launched a crackdown that made previous incidents seem like enthusiastic town hall meetings.

Dozens of community leaders, students, professors, and anyone who had ever used the phrase ‘reform now’ were rounded up and never seen again. Some were accused of colluding with foreign powers, others of writing poems.

An eyewitness in Kaohsiung said:

“You could be arrested for owning a typewriter, whistling in minor key, or just having an inquisitive expression.”

What the Funny People Are Saying – 1947 Edition

“So let me get this straight: a lady sells cigarettes, and a week later, the entire island’s a prison. That’s not governance. That’s opera with gunfire.” — Groucho Marx

“You don’t build a democracy by shooting the people who want one. You build a cemetery.” — George Burns

“Every time I hear ‘martial law,’ I grab my banjo and duck. It never ends well for the audience.” — Red Skelton

“I once tried to complain to my barber and ended up in the military. Taiwan’s version just skips the haircut.” — Jack Benny

Taiwanese Citizens React With Both Courage and Caution

Despite the crackdown, civilians continue to resist in subtle ways:

Writing slogans in chalk that wash away with rain.
Tuning into illegal radio broadcasts under blankets.
Smuggling mimeographed leaflets disguised as grocery lists.

One anonymous student wrote:

“We are not rioting. We are remembering how to be human.”

The Kuomintang’s Official Timeline of Events (As Imagined)

Feb 27: Cigarette misunderstanding occurs.
Feb 28: Public misbehaves. Troops arrive to explain democracy through violence.
March 1–15: Order is restored. Dissenters disappear. History is rewritten.
March 16: Governor declares “success” and asks for raise.

The Taiwanese Press: Now Featuring Headlines Like “Oops” and “Stay Inside”

Independent journalists have either fled, been silenced, or switched to writing horoscopes. A typical front page from early March included:

“Civic Unrest Allegedly Causes Itself”
“Governor: Everything is Fine, Please Return to Worship”
“Radio Frequencies to Be Nationalized, Static is Safer”

Chiang Kai-shek’s Memo: “I Approve of This Violence Slightly Less Than I Appear To”

Chairman Chiang, ruler of the KMT and spiritual leader of overreaction, released a short and carefully translated statement that read:

“Taiwan is an important part of our Republic. We regret that the people have not yet learned to be quiet.”

He then allegedly signed an order labeled “Operation Silence,” lit a pipe, and asked if Mao Zedong had Wi-Fi yet.

Reactions Abroad:

Japan: “We left Taiwan two years ago and they’re already rioting? That’s fast.”
Hong Kong: “We’re watching with binoculars and biting our nails.”
Manila: “We thought our postwar situation was bad. Yikes.”
The Vatican: “We’ll pray, but also, yikes.”

Academic Analysis: “This Is What Happens When You Give a Dictator an Island and No Manual”

Political scientist Edwin R. Teale of Oxford University wrote:

“The KMT is trying to combine nationalism, capitalism, and authoritarianism into a political casserole. The result is burnt at the edges, raw in the middle, and currently on fire.”

The Real Tragedy: Taiwan Wanted to Be Heard, Not Shot

At its heart, the 2/28 Incident is not about smuggling, rebellion, or ideology. It is about a people—exhausted by war, abandoned by Japan, and mismanaged by China—who believed the new government might offer fairness.

Instead, they got martial law, midnight arrests, and the official slogan: “Your Freedom Is Under Consideration.”

Five Satirical Headlines the KMT Will Probably Use to Rewrite History

“Taiwan Voluntarily Celebrates Spontaneous Government Appreciation Week”
“Protests Were Really Performance Art”
“Governor’s Popularity Up After Bullet Delivery Campaign”
“Citizens Happy, Just Shy on Camera”
“Independence Was Never the Goal, Dependence Was the Plan”

Underground Humor in the Face of Tyranny

Even amid fear, satire blooms.

Whispers on the street include:

“The KMT is like a landlord who shows up with tanks and eats your rice.”
“We asked for dialogue, they gave us monologue with artillery.”
“Freedom of speech is alive — it’s just on vacation.”

Legacy of 2/28: A National Wound That Still Bleeds Through Song

One folk musician composed a song called “The Day the Radios Went Quiet” — a haunting ballad that tells the story of whispered resistance and community heartbreak.

Though the singer is now in hiding, the tune spreads like a secret handshake.

Postcard Found in the Rubble, Addressed to “Whoever Survives”

“We tried. We really did. But it seems our voices were too loud for the microphones they gave us. Tell the world we existed. That we asked questions. And that for a moment, we thought the future might speak our language.”

Auf Wiedersehen

This article was translated from the original shouting of survivors, with help from smuggled memos, a broken transistor radio, and two underground poets hiding behind a noodle stand. It contains exactly 2,222 words of courage, criticism, and sharp-edged humor intended to honor those who dared to speak — and those who couldn’t.

ByAlan Nafzger