Trump Revokes Chinese Student Visas, Cites “Too Much Math, Not Enough Freedom”
The Algorithm Is Coming From Inside the Dorm
In a surprise press briefing conducted in front of a whiteboard labeled “CHINA = BAD,” former president and current attention monarch Donald J. Trump announced that his administration will be aggressively revoking visas for thousands of Chinese students, claiming, “They do too much math. It’s suspicious. Way too suspicious. We need freedom. Not logarithms.”
The announcement comes on the heels of Trump’s renewed campaign promise to “de-globalize education,” which he described as “like homeschooling, but for the whole country, and with no communists.” Trump further elaborated, “When Chinese students solve equations faster than we can recite the Pledge of Allegiance, something’s very, very wrong, folks.”
Trump’s official memo, titled “Operation Back Off, Beijing”, outlined that any Chinese student found in possession of:
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A graphing calculator
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Advanced placement credits
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Fluency in three or more languages
will be subject to “immediate patriotic review” and possible catapult deportation “so strong they’ll land in the 5G tower that started COVID.”
Campuses React With Honor Roll Anxiety
Campuses across America responded with chaos. At MIT, professors were spotted holding emergency “How to Teach Thermodynamics in English” meetings. One TA whispered through a cracked Zoom camera, “Without the Chinese students, we’re basically a well-funded trade school that doesn’t fix anything.”
A leaked group chat from Stanford’s robotics lab included the phrase:
“They took Kevin. He was debugging our autonomous bike. Now it’s self-aware and aggressively libertarian.”
In California, where Chinese students comprise a significant portion of international enrollees, several UC campuses held vigils beside statues of Confucius, which ironically had been previously criticized by conservative media for being “too woke.”
“We relied on those students to make the curves less curved,” said one UCLA junior. “Now we’re gonna have to pass on our own merit—whatever that is.”
FBI Launches “Patriot Calculator” Initiative
As part of the broader program, Homeland Security has partnered with the Department of Education to roll out a new standardized test for foreign STEM students called the “FREEDOM-101 Exam.”
Sample questions include:
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“Which is more American: a cheeseburger or a pie chart?”
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“Name three famous U.S. scientists, excluding the one who stole Tesla’s work.”
According to official reports, students who fail to include at least one Bible reference in their coding project will be flagged for enhanced detention and a 3-hour Tucker Carlson interview.
“Just Asking Questions” — A National Security Concern
National Security Advisor Clay “Bud” Remington stated:
“We’ve seen increased reports of Chinese nationals majoring in suspicious things like Electrical Engineering, Quantum Computing, and—get this—Comparative Literature with a minor in Democracy Studies. That’s infiltration, not education.”
Remington cited a “recently declassified memo” allegedly proving that a UC San Diego student once used a TI-89 calculator to predict U.S. midterm results more accurately than CNN.
“We cannot allow a future where every smart thing is made in Shanghai,” he added. “That’s why we’re also investigating suspicious usage of semicolons in freshman essays.”
What the Funny People Are Saying
“You know it’s bad when the Chinese students are being deported for knowing too much math. Next we’re gonna kick out Canadians for being too polite.” — Sarah Silverman
“I took an engineering class once. The guy next to me did my whole project in five minutes. He’s gone now. So I guess I’m back to duct tape and vibes.” — Ron White
“Trump says they study too hard and threaten freedom. What is freedom? Failing algebra with pride?” — Ricky Gervais
Survey Says: Yes, We Are Now Dumber
A national poll conducted by the National Association of Freethinkers and Pancake Economists found that:
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82% of Americans cannot differentiate between “algebra” and “algae.”
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67% believe “STEM” stands for “Stop Teaching Every Math.”
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91% support revoking student visas if it means better Wi-Fi in dorms.
One respondent commented, “I don’t trust anyone who calculates tip without an app. That’s globalism.”
Trump Says Revoking Visas Will “Free Up Dorm Space for Patriotic Americans Who Can’t Code”
Operation Red, White, and Dropped Out
In a follow-up rally held outside Trump University’s abandoned Phoenix campus (now a vape museum), Trump expanded on the rationale behind his visa policy:
“Folks, we have kids who flunked Intro to Excel four times. They need dorm rooms too. The Chinese students are hogging all the beds and all the As. It’s discrimination—against Americans who are bad at school.”
The crowd, wearing shirts that read C’s Get Degrees, chanted “U.S.A.” as Trump proposed what he called the “Homegrown Dumbroom Initiative”—a plan to reassign top university housing to “native-born freedom strugglers with GPA under 2.1.”
The “Code to Nowhere” Crisis
Department of Education undersecretary Travis Galt told reporters:
“We’re facing a national crisis. Our patriotic students are falling behind—not because they lack ambition, but because their dorm roommates are building satellites before lunch. It’s intimidating.”
In response, American students struggling in STEM will be assigned mentors with experience in NASCAR pit crews, minor league baseball analytics, and conspiracy podcast production.
“These young Americans might not understand Python,” Galt added, “but they know Joe Rogan by heart. And that’s a kind of literacy.”
Freedom Dorms Announced
The new Trump-endorsed “Freedom Dorms” initiative includes:
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Wi-Fi routers that block non-American websites
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Bunk beds shaped like bald eagles
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Constitution karaoke machines
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A “flag for every failing grade” scholarship program
These dorms will be insulated from “ideological contamination,” according to new federal guidelines banning the possession of chopsticks, Anime body pillows, and more than two highlighters per desk.
“I walked into a dorm room and saw a poster of Alan Turing,” Trump said. “British. Suspect.”
Higher Ed, Lower Expectations
According to reports leaked from Liberty Tech A&M University, schools nationwide are revising admission criteria to account for “freedom-based potential.” This includes:
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Extra points for TikTok rants against the metric system
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Replacing calculus with “Personal Finance for Truck Enthusiasts”
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Admissions essays now titled: “Why I Don’t Need To Learn Things If God Gave Me Vibes”
Sociologists warn this could “create a generation of students whose only programming knowledge is from setting up their dad’s Keurig.” But conservatives insist it’s part of a much-needed cultural course correction. “We don’t need more coders,” said Tucker Carlson in a 14-minute monocle-polishing segment, “we need more American coders—the kind who think a Boolean variable is a type of hamburger.”
Education Secretary Announces ‘Merit Optional’ Policy
Acting Secretary of Education Cletus Beauregard unveiled the new “Merit Optional, Spirit Mandatory” policy, a revolutionary admissions model prioritizing heart over homework. “Sure, little Johnny might’ve misspelled his own name on the SAT,” Beauregard explained, “but he has grit. Also, his dad owns a Chevy dealership.”
Some institutions are already implementing the changes. Arizona’s Patriotic Polytechnic University announced its new GPA system:
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A = “Awesome”
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B = “Blessed”
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C = “Constitutionally Sound”
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D = “Don’t Worry About It”
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F = “Freedom Isn’t Free”
Meanwhile, at Liberty Hills College, computer science majors will now be required to complete only one project: making a PowerPoint titled “Why Coding Is Un-American.”
Resistance From the Math-Industrial Complex
Despite this policy shift, not everyone is on board. The American Association of Calculus and Logic (AACL) issued a stern statement:
“Removing students based on math performance is not only irrational, it’s irrational squared.”
Universities fear a plunge in research rankings, but Trump waved off concerns. “Rankings are fake,” he said. “Like polls. Or climate. Or gluten intolerance.”
Harvard attempted to remain neutral, but a leaked internal memo from the Dean read: “We already sold out to legacy admissions. We can survive this too.”
What the Funny People Are Saying
“I tried coding once. My laptop caught fire and declared bankruptcy.” — Ron White
“Trump says patriotic Americans can’t code. That’s true. I once dated a coder who was Canadian. It was fine until she debugged my personality.” — Sarah Silverman
“You want to free up dorms? Just admit fewer kids who think ‘ethics’ is a social media app.” — Bill Burr
“We’re deporting the students with ambition, and promoting the ones who confuse Java with coffee. That’s progress, American-style.” — Jerry Seinfeld
Polling the Nation
A new poll by PewSideUp Research asked 3,000 Americans:
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“Should dorms prioritize patriotic citizens over foreign students with GPA above 4.0?”
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Yes: 58%
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No: 14%
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What’s a GPA?: 28%
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One respondent elaborated, “If someone’s smart enough to invent a robot roommate that vacuums, how can I compete with that? I barely shower.”
Another said, “I don’t trust kids who like finals week. That’s some imported mindset.”
Closing the Campus, Opening the Mind?
The Trump campaign is now testing new slogans for the 2026 education overhaul:
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“Less IQ, More USA”
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“Send Back the Brains, Keep the Beers”
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“Freedom Dorms: Where Failure Feels Like Victory”
Critics say the policy is both xenophobic and self-sabotaging. But Trump’s base seems energized.
“I couldn’t get into college because of all them foreign kids acing the tests,” said one rallygoer. “Now I finally have a shot at dorm life. Even if I’m 47 and allergic to bunk beds.”
Final Words from the Former President
As Air Force Uno (Trump’s rebranded private jet) lifted off from the makeshift campus rally, Trump left supporters with a final thought:
“Our kids deserve to walk into a dorm room and not hear Mandarin. They deserve to fail with pride, without feeling inferior to someone building a particle accelerator from RadioShack parts. America first. Knowledge second.”
MORE NEWS:
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Trump Defunds Algebra, Declares PEMDAS a “Globalist Plot”
In a move that shocked math teachers and delighted conspiracy theorists, Donald Trump announced the defunding of Algebra nationwide, calling the order of operations—PEMDAS—“a globalist psy-op designed to make Americans feel dumb in their own country.” Speaking at a rally outside a shuttered community college, Trump warned, “First they made us do parentheses, then exponents… what’s next, Chinese fractions?” Critics argue this is a direct attack on public education, while supporters have begun selling merch that reads “Make Math American Again.” Florida has already replaced Algebra I with a course titled “Counting with Courage.” The Department of Education clarified that subtraction is still allowed “as long as it involves taxes or immigrants.” Meanwhile, math teachers are forming underground clubs where they secretly distribute worksheets at abandoned Waffle Houses. As Trump put it, “Real patriots multiply with their hearts, not with weird little letters.”
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Chinese Students Confused Why GPA Isn’t Measured in Yuan
After being targeted by Trump’s visa revocation order, many Chinese students expressed confusion over America’s educational customs—most notably, the inexplicable decision not to measure GPA in yuan. “Why is it out of 4.0?” asked Ming Zhao, an engineering student at Caltech. “That’s barely a coffee in Beijing.” Students are bewildered by the seemingly random system of letter grades, weighted scores, and something called “participation trophies.” Many assumed a GPA was a form of currency, with one Stanford student attempting to use their 3.9 GPA to pay for a kombucha. The U.S. government, meanwhile, has introduced a new form to convert academic scores into American Values™ using an algorithm based on optimism, ignorance, and Applebee’s loyalty points. “If it can’t be traded on Alibaba,” one student mused, “what’s the point?” The confusion has sparked a petition demanding the GPA system be denominated in “either Bitcoin or something with actual buying power.”
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American Dorms Now Smell Like Cheetos, Bald Eagle Musk
With the mass expulsion of international students and the rise of “Freedom Dorms,” American college housing has undergone an olfactory transformation. Gone are the days of green tea and focus incense—now, dorms are saturated with the scent of Cheetos dust, Axe body spray, and a mysterious musk marketed as “Essence of Bald Eagle.” Room deodorizers now include flavors like “Pulled Pork Patriot” and “Second Amendment Breeze.” One R.A. at Liberty Springs Tech said, “The scent profile is freedom-forward, with notes of nacho cheese and dorm-level depression.” Laundry piles have doubled, and recycling bins are now exclusively used for beer cans and discarded textbooks titled Math for Communists. Housing departments insist the change is part of a national identity shift. “It’s about reclaiming our nasal sovereignty,” said one administrator. The CDC is investigating a new condition: Red, White, and Rancid Syndrome—symptoms include nasal numbness and sudden bursts of country music hallucinations.
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Harvard Replaces Engineering Program With Trumpet Lessons
In a bid to align with America’s changing values, Harvard University announced it is replacing its engineering program with a new concentration in Trumpet Performance and National Pride. The university now offers courses like “Marching Band 101: From Sousa to MAGA” and “Advanced Brass for Border Security.” Officials claim the move helps “bring back the noise of real America,” with one dean saying, “If you can’t build a wall, you might as well blast a solo in B-flat.” Labs have been converted into soundproofed practice rooms, and the library’s STEM section has been replaced by sheet music and autographed photos of Kenny G. Critics argue that the new program leaves students musically confident but structurally incompetent. One confused freshman asked, “So… how do I build a bridge with a trumpet?” The answer, according to Harvard’s new slogan, is: “You don’t build it. You serenade it into existence.”
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Students Protest With Banners: “We’re Not Threats, We’re Tutors”
College campuses erupted in protest this week as international students, especially from China and India, rallied against Trump’s visa revocations with banners that read: “We’re Not Threats, We’re Tutors.” The protest movement, dubbed “Operation Homework,” featured teach-ins, calculator drop-offs, and public readings of programming textbooks. One student at UC Berkeley shouted, “If I’m a threat, it’s only to your GPA curve!” The demonstrators insist their only intention was to earn degrees and correct American syntax. Many shared stories of late-night tutoring sessions and saving entire group projects from disaster. “I once helped a frat bro pass calculus,” one student sobbed. “He called me ‘Data Daddy.’” Trump supporters responded with counter-protests featuring signs like “No More Math Menace!” and “Real Patriots Use Guesswork.” The protests have ignited a national debate: Are students with superior study habits a security threat, or just awkward geniuses trying to finish grad school before they get deported?
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Texas Bans Calculators With More Than 3 Buttons
Texas lawmakers have passed a bill banning calculators that have more than three buttons, citing “public confusion and mathematical elitism.” The new legal calculators must only include the numbers 1, 0, and a large red button labeled “YEEHAW.” According to the bill’s sponsor, Rep. Duke Harlan, “We don’t need any fancy root functions or imaginary numbers here. If a Texan can’t solve it with basic instinct and brisket grease, it ain’t worth solving.” Math teachers are panicking, with many opting to smuggle TI-83s across state lines like academic bootleggers. High schoolers have reportedly started bartering old calculators on the black market in exchange for Whataburger coupons. Meanwhile, state-sponsored educational programming now teaches children to count by reciting famous cowboy names. As of next semester, calculus will be replaced by rodeo statistics and “Horsepower Estimation for Pickup Trucks.” Texas claims the policy promotes simplicity, patriotism, and good ol’ gut-based guesswork.
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Confucius Statue Taken Down, Replaced With Toby Keith Memorial Fountain
In a symbolic purge of “foreign academic influence,” a Confucius statue that once adorned the main quad at Freedom Heights University was removed under executive order and replaced with a functioning Toby Keith Memorial Fountain—a monument that sprays Bud Light and plays country music every hour. The Confucius statue had previously served as a peaceful gathering place for discussion and tea ceremonies. Now, students gather around the fountain to take shirtless selfies and enter giveaways for autographed belt buckles. University officials called the swap “a shift from wisdom to freedom.” Critics argue it’s an embarrassing blend of kitsch and nationalism, but supporters say it “reminds us who we are: a people who replaced philosophy with power chords.” The new fountain also includes a QR code for a playlist titled Y’allternative Enlightenment. Students are reportedly confused but thrilled. One freshman exclaimed, “I don’t know who Confucius was, but Toby speaks to me, man. Especially when I’m drunk and wearing cowboy boots in the rain.”
Disclaimer: This article is a collaborative satire between the world’s oldest tenured professor and a philosophy-major-turned-dairy-farmer. Any resemblance to functional policy is purely coincidental, and no TI-89s were harmed in the making of this report.
Auf Wiedersehen, amigos.