My daughter Becky-Sue Freedom-Pie Magsen has been dreaming of Harvard since she learned how to spell “Constitution” in cursive. She’s got a 3.7 GPA, a varsity rifle team letter, and a killer essay about the Second Amendment as a love language. But now we find out Xi Jinping’s daughter took a spot? At Harvard? Last I checked, Harvard was in Massachusetts, not Marxachusetts. This is America—our Ivy Leagues should be reserved for kids who pledge allegiance, not for dynasty brats from surveillance states. I’m not saying it’s unfair. I’m saying it’s treason-adjacent. Harvard is for Americans. Period.
I Want to Get Xi’s Daughter’s College Acceptance Revoked—But Trump Keeps Holding Me Back
By Darla Freedom-Pie Magsen
Opinion Contributor and BBQ Purist, writing for Bohiney.com
It all started on a Tuesday. I had just finished my morning ritual—Pledge of Allegiance, Fox News, and threatening to call the school board about the suspiciously “round” Earth on my son’s science fair poster—when I saw the headline: “Xi Jinping’s Daughter Accepted to Ivy League.”
I choked on my freedom toast (that’s French toast made with white bread, bald eagle syrup, and the tears of liberal arts majors). I grabbed my laptop, went full keyboard warrior, and began digging through every forum that still lets me say “patriot” without triggering a fact-checker.
I was determined. This wasn’t just a college acceptance. It was ideological invasion. A hostile takeover. TikTok: The Prequel.
The Plan
My plan was simple:
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Leak some vague accusations.
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Call her essay “communist propaganda” even if it was about gardening.
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Claim her violin recital was state-sponsored espionage.
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Add “Hunter Biden” somewhere in the email chain—just to spice it up.
I even had a title for the exposé:
“From Mao to MIT: The Chopstick Conspiracy.”
But Then… Trump
Here’s the twist that would make even Alex Jones remove his tinfoil hat in disbelief: Trump told me to stop.
Let me be clear: I didn’t hear it directly. It was a spiritual message, delivered through a $99 limited-edition “Freedom Oracle” Trump tarot deck. I flipped the card labeled “The Business Deal” and saw the Mar-a-Lago logo glowing like a radioactive pancake. I knew what it meant.
Trump wants to keep things cool with Xi.
Not because he likes communists—Heaven forbid—but because Ivanka has her handbag factories to think about. You know how it goes: you launch one trade war, lose a shipment of bejeweled flip-flops, and suddenly your niece can’t get a yacht internship.
He said (again, spiritually), “We don’t cancel their kids. We license them.”
But What About Patriotism?
Look, I’ve revoked college dreams before. There was that one vegan honors student who “accidentally” forgot to stand for the national anthem during a virtual class. I emailed Dartmouth and suggested they were harboring a domestic oatmilk terrorist. The acceptance was “reconsidered.”
But now, because Trump thinks it’s “strategic,” I’m supposed to let Xi Jinping’s daughter waltz into Princeton wearing a Che Guevara hoodie and studying… data science?
Excuse me while I consult my NRA prayer beads.
MAGA or Nah?
At this point, I don’t know where I stand. I’ve lived by the motto, “If you can’t beat communists, accuse their children.” But Trump says she’s “fine.” He says her application was “the best—maybe even the most perfect application anyone’s ever submitted.”
You know what that sounds like? That sounds like Obama-level appeasement. That sounds like the kind of thing George Soros would say if he had a daughter… which he probably does… who probably plays cello at Yale.
Moral Compromise is So 2025
I’m still fighting the good fight. I tried reporting Xi’s daughter for “academic insurrection,” but the Department of Education sent back an auto-reply that said:
“Please stop emailing us. Also, please stop attaching screenshots of panda memes as evidence.”
Fine. But I will not be silenced.
What the Funny People Are Saying
“Trying to cancel Xi Jinping’s daughter is like trying to repo a dragon—you’re gonna need more than a MAGA hat and a LinkedIn account.” — Ron White
“You know America’s in trouble when the guy with the most college admission power is spiritually advising through gold-plated tarot cards.” — Jerry Seinfeld
“She didn’t even take the SAT. She took the CCP.” — Dave Chappelle
“MAGA voters trying to cancel people while screaming about cancel culture is like yelling ‘freedom!’ while handing over your router password to Beijing.” — Sarah Silverman
Final Thoughts from the Great Wall of Denial
Some say I’ve lost perspective. Some say I should focus on my own daughter, who hasn’t applied to college yet because she’s still emotionally processing the cancellation of the local Cracker Barrel.
But I say this: If Xi’s daughter can go to college, then by God, so can my crossbow collection.
And if Trump really wants me to stand down, he better put it in writing—preferably on a Truth Social post titled: “Why It’s OK This Time.”
Until then, I remain vigilant, armed with Wi-Fi and righteous indignation.
Disclaimer: This article is the product of a collaborative effort between the world’s oldest tenured professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer. Any resemblance to real authoritarian offspring is purely coincidental… unless they got in with a panda-themed essay. In which case, we’ve got receipts.
