Earth Denies Entry to Object Lacking Vaccination Papers and Pronouns
By Border Patrol Astrophysics Correspondent, Bohiney Magazine
“Until we can confirm its vaccine status and preferred pronouns, that object is not welcome on this planet.”
— UN Spokesperson, clutching a clipboard and a reusable straw
A Global Stand: No Entry Without Proper Documentation
In a stunning act of interplanetary bureaucracy, Earth’s governments have officially denied entry to the mysterious interstellar object currently hovering just outside Earth’s orbit—on the grounds that it failed to present:
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A valid COVID-19 vaccination certificate,
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A clearly stated set of pronouns, and
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An acknowledgment of Earth’s cultural sensitivity matrix.
The object, dubbed Object 9-Theta Prime, had been approaching slowly and silently for weeks, causing panic, hope, merch drops, and two Netflix deals.
But once it failed to transmit its health records or its galactic gender identity, the UN General Assembly voted unanimously to suspend all Earth welcome protocols, invoking Space Directive 420-B—a clause originally written to keep Cold War satellites from crashing the Olympics.
CDC Issues Statement: “Not On Our Watch”
Dr. Thad Finklestein, spokesperson for the CDC’s Interplanetary Wellness Taskforce, explained:
“We just want to make sure the object isn’t carrying space variants of COVID, monkeypox, or measles. Also, it needs to complete the online Symptom Screener and turn it in by Thursday.”
He added that Earth now requires booster proof for any objects larger than 100 feet, and double boosters for anything shaped like a cigar.
Pronoun Controversy: The Object’s Silence is Violence
After Earth’s satellite array transmitted a polite request—“What are your pronouns?”—the object emitted a series of unintelligible pulses, followed by total silence.
This caused massive backlash.
Twitter exploded.
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#TheyThemOrElse
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#RockWithRespect
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#SpaceIsNoExcuse
A panel of influencers on MSNBC declared:
“If you’re going to enter our solar system, you better enter our discourse.”
The United Federation of Non-Binary Asteroids (UFNBA) condemned the object’s ambiguity as “cosmic erasure.”
Republicans React: “We Finally Agree With the UN—Block It!”
Sen. Josh Hawley called the decision “the first intelligent move by the global elite since indoor plumbing.”
“We don’t want undocumented, unvaxxed, identity-fluid space rocks entering our gravity well without a passport and a pledge of allegiance.”
Gov. Ron DeSantis signed an executive order prohibiting the object from appearing in Florida textbooks. Texas offered to build a dome.
Even Donald Trump weighed in via Truth Social:
“I built the best planetary border. We stopped the worst objects. Biden lets aliens in—literally! Sad!!!”
Kamala Harris Offers to Mediate—Again
Vice President Harris held a press conference in front of a purple-lit backdrop of Saturn:
“This object is orbiting us. But we too… orbit the idea of identity. And identity… is like a comet. Sometimes it returns.”
She then presented the object with a laminated “Consent Form for Welcome” and a candle labeled “Vibrate Higher.”
Aliens Say Earth Is Doing Too Much
A decoded message from the object reads:
“We are an ancient intelligence. We know no disease. We exist beyond gender. Your planet is a lot.”
Another object nearby blinked in agreement and simply transmitted:
“Hard pass.”
An alien blogger named Xyx-472, Gender: Yes posted a review of Earth on the galactic Yelp:
⭐⭐☆☆☆
“Too many forms. Vibes off. No chill.”
Celebrities Take Sides
Lady Gaga tweeted:
“The object is born this way. Leave it alone.”
Joe Rogan ranted:
“Why do we need its pronouns? Let it land and we’ll ask if it lifts.”
Kanye (now “Ye-Omega”) offered to produce a concept album from the object’s perspective, titled “Misgendered in Orbit.”
Tech Bros Pitch a Solution
Silicon Valley offered to build an “Identity Blockchain” for celestial bodies, where they can log their pronouns, vaccine history, and favorite Earth podcasts.
Elon Musk tweeted:
“I had dinner with the object once. It used ze/zir. You’re all late.”
Jeff Bezos offered free Prime delivery of vaccine supplies to any passing object that agrees to land at Amazon’s new Lunar Fulfillment Center.
Meanwhile, Border Control is Training Dogs to Sniff Meteors
ICE, Space Force, and the TSA have formed a joint task force, Operation Cosmic Wall, tasked with:
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Checking incoming objects for unauthorized antibodies
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Confirming at least one social media profile
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Ensuring alignment with Earth’s core values (freedom, streaming, brunch)
NASA has also released a guidebook titled:
“How to Ask an Object Its Pronouns Without Making It Weird.”
Spiritual Leaders Are Divided
The Dalai Lama reminded the world:
“A rock without name is still part of the eternal.”
Franklin Graham declared:
“The object must either identify as he/him or be smited.”
The Pope offered conditional forgiveness if the object shows up with at least one approved pronoun and a rosary.
Scientologists released a statement reading only:
“We’ve seen this before. Trust the tech.”
Netflix Produces Drama: “The Object That Refused to Identify”
The six-part limited series stars Zendaya as a curious astronomer and Jon Hamm as the object (voiced in grunts and synth). The finale ends with the object attending Burning Man.
What the Funny People Are Saying
“Earth just denied entry to a rock because it didn’t get its fourth booster and didn’t fill out a Google Form. This is peak 2025.”
— Ron White
“I love that the object is literally floating in the void, minding its business, and we’re like: ‘Show us your vaccine card or get vaporized.’”
— Sarah Silverman
“Maybe it’s shy. Maybe it’s introverted. Or maybe it doesn’t want to go by ‘he/him/asteroid.’”
— Ali Wong
“This is why aliens don’t land. They know we’d ask them to pick a political side before they even open their door.”
— Jerry Seinfeld
“If an alien shows up and your first question is, ‘What’s your pronoun?’ maybe YOU need therapy, Brenda.”
— Bill Burr
A UN Compromise Proposal
UN Secretary-General Antonio Guterres offered a path to resolution:
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Grant the object temporary orbiting status
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Provide it with an online identity training module
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Offer an optional microchip that says “Hello, my pronouns are [insert energy signature]”
Sweden volunteered to host the object in a non-denominational space embassy located inside a geodesic dome made of kombucha glass.
New Religion Forms, Again
The Church of the Unlabeled Comet began last week, preaching:
“If God made stars, God also made those with no preferred terms.”
Services consist of floating in silence and refraining from assumptions.
Conclusion: The Object is Over It
At press time, the object had begun slowly turning away from Earth, broadcasting one final message:
“This planet is exhausting.”
Its departure caused the Dow to drop 600 points and an entire subreddit to collapse into tears and identity crises.
IMAGE GALLERY
Interstellar Object
