Proud Boys Mobilize to Provide Security for ICE Agents
“Finally, someone to protect the people protecting the people protecting the border.”
By Staff Writer, Nationalist Mutual Admiration Correspondent
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a bold new partnership that no one requested and everyone immediately regretted, the Proud Boys announced this week that they are “mobilizing nationwide” to provide security for Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE).The group, which has previously provided security for things like Confederate monuments, bar fights, and each other’s egos, declared they will now be “standing shoulder-to-shoulder with America’s brave border enforcers.”
Or as Proud Boy spokesperson Chad “LibertyBeard” Donnelly put it, “We’re like a safety net for America — if the safety net were made of chain wallets and Monster Energy.”
Patriotic Matryoshka Dolls
Political analysts are calling this partnership “a nesting doll of overcompensation.”
“You’ve got Proud Boys protecting ICE,” said political scientist Dr. Elaine Harkins of Georgetown University’s Center for American Politics, “who are protecting America, from immigrants, who are protecting the economy, from collapsing due to labor shortages. It’s a perfect ouroboros of performative nationalism eating its own tail.”
ICE officials, meanwhile, expressed cautious optimism. “We’re thrilled to have support from the Proud Boys,” said Deputy Director Steve T. Miller (no relation, allegedly). “They bring enthusiasm, energy, and an impressive ability to spell ‘patriot’ in six different ways — all wrong.”
“Not Vigilantes, Just Walmart Greeters for Fascism”
When asked what exactly “providing security” entails, Donnelly explained, “We’re not vigilantes. We’re more like Walmart greeters for fascism. You know, ‘Welcome to America, papers please.’ It’s community service, but with more tactical vests.”
The Proud Boys’ uniforms reportedly consist of cargo shorts, tactical vests, wraparound sunglasses, and a thick cloud of Axe body spray called “Freedom Sweat.”
The group has already stationed themselves outside several ICE offices, detention centers, and one suspiciously woke Panera Bread in Phoenix.
“They had a sign that said ‘Refugees Welcome,’” said Donnelly, shaking his head. “We couldn’t take that risk. I mean, what’s next — empathy?”
ICE Agents: “It’s Nice to Work With People Who Make Us Look Moderate”
Some ICE agents have admitted that while the gesture is “appreciated,” it’s also “kind of embarrassing.”
“We already have guns, armor, and the full power of the federal government,” said one agent, requesting anonymity. “Now we’ve got a bunch of guys with GoPros and vape pens trying to ‘guard’ us like we’re under siege by the Girl Scouts of America.”
Still, others see a silver lining. “It’s actually a relief,” said Agent Morales, stationed at a Texas detention center. “It’s the first time I’ve been the less controversial one in the partnership. I feel… mainstream. Like I could be in a Pepsi commercial.”
A Union of Muscle and Misinformation
The partnership has been praised in certain corners of right-wing social media. One popular meme shows a Proud Boy and an ICE agent high-fiving over a child-sized cage with the caption: “Teamwork Makes the Dream (Act) Work.”
Another meme depicts a Proud Boy guarding an ICE van with the words, “When tyranny needs backup, we answer the call.”
Experts warn that this overlap between militant cosplay and bureaucratic authoritarianism could have unpredictable results.
“This is like if you gave the TSA a motorcycle club,” said Dr. Harkins. “It’s functionally useless but aesthetically terrifying.”
The Ceremony
The official alliance was announced in an abandoned strip mall parking lot in Arlington, Virginia — a symbolic location chosen because “it’s near an Outback Steakhouse and patriotism smells like blooming onions.”
During the ceremony, Proud Boys leaders and ICE officials exchanged patches, shook hands, and pledged mutual loyalty over the sound of a Bluetooth speaker blasting Toby Keith.
The event ended with a group prayer, several high-fives, and one unfortunate moment when a Proud Boy accidentally pepper-sprayed himself while attempting to salute.
“It’s okay,” said Donnelly. “Pain is temporary, liberty is forever, and pepper spray doubles as cologne.”
Local Reaction: “It’s Like Watching a Spider Try to Marry a Wasp”
Community response has been mixed, with some expressing confusion, others alarm, and a few simply stunned by the sheer absurdity of it all.
“It’s like watching a spider try to marry a wasp,” said activist and barista Janelle Ruiz. “I don’t know who I’m rooting against, but I hope nature wins.”
A nearby business owner reported the Proud Boys’ presence had “scared off customers.”
“They set up a tent outside my taquería and started checking people’s accents,” said Ruiz. “Now I just sell to dogs. They don’t care about borders.”
Meanwhile, local law enforcement officials expressed mild concern. “Do we arrest them or just let natural selection handle it?” asked Sheriff Dave Grady. “I feel like this’ll sort itself out once winter hits and they realize tactical shorts aren’t weatherproof.”
ICE Clarifies Boundaries
ICE leadership has since issued a memo reminding Proud Boys that while their support is “appreciated,” they are not officially deputized, authorized, or invited.
“We appreciate citizen enthusiasm,” the memo reads, “but please stop trying to conduct your own raids. Also, stop calling yourselves ‘Junior ICE-Men.’ That is not a thing.”
The memo also urged Proud Boys to refrain from using ICE facilities “as photo backdrops for thirst traps” and to “cease filming TikToks involving detainees.”
“Protecting America From Empathy, One Latte at a Time”
Despite criticism, the Proud Boys remain undeterred.
“This isn’t about politics,” Donnelly said. “It’s about protecting America from chaos, disorder, and any hint of compassion. We’re defending our borders from empathy — one latte at a time.”
When asked what they thought of immigrants’ contributions to the U.S. economy, Donnelly paused, squinted, and replied, “I’m sure they’re fine people, but do they even lift?”
The Recruitment Drive
Following the announcement, Proud Boys chapters nationwide have begun recruiting new “security volunteers.” Their promotional video — which begins with slow-motion footage of bald eagles and ends with someone failing to start a lawnmower — invites “patriots who aren’t afraid to defend freedom, even if they don’t totally understand it.”
- A push-up test (minimum: two and a half),
- A spelling quiz on “sovereignty,”
- And a “deep moral commitment to posting memes about masculinity.”
“We’re Basically the Coast Guard of Civilian Machismo”
In interviews, members struggled to explain why ICE — an armed federal agency — needs their protection.
“Look,” said Donnelly. “When America calls, we answer. It’s like volunteer firefighting, except the fires are imaginary and the uniforms are from Dick’s Sporting Goods.”
He added, “We’re basically the Coast Guard of civilian machismo. You might not think you need us… and you’d be right. But we’ll be here anyway.”
Critics Weigh In
Civil rights groups, local officials, and anyone with a working sense of irony have condemned the new partnership.
“The overlap between these groups is almost poetic,” said ACLU attorney Monica Pérez. “It’s the only time I’ve seen two organizations join forces and both get less credible.”
Political cartoonists have had a field day, depicting the alliance as a snake guarding a gun guarding a wall guarding an empty wallet.
Comedian John Leguizamo commented on X (formerly Twitter), “The Proud Boys protecting ICE is like a roach offering to guard a can of Raid.”
ICE’s PR Nightmare
Inside ICE headquarters, PR staff reportedly went into crisis mode, scrambling to control the narrative.
“Our official stance is that we did not ask for this,” said one spokesperson. “Frankly, we were as surprised as anyone when a group of men in matching polos showed up chanting ‘USA!’ and trying to arrest the janitor.”
To distance themselves, ICE released a press statement emphasizing their professionalism and lack of affiliation with “any outside organizations, militia groups, or insecure men’s clubs with ironic tattoos.”
Unfortunately, the statement went largely ignored after Proud Boys members printed it on T-shirts under the slogan “Deep State Denies Our Valor.”
Experts Predict a Short Lifespan
Analysts predict the alliance will likely fizzle out once the Proud Boys realize that federal jobs require background checks and basic literacy.
“This partnership is built on pure vibes,” said Dr. Harkins. “And those vibes are mostly Monster Energy and unmedicated bravado.”
Rumors suggest the next Proud Boys initiative may involve “protecting” the TSA, DMV, or the staff of Duck Dynasty.
A Vision for the Future
Despite growing backlash, Donnelly remains optimistic.
“This is just the beginning,” he said. “Someday we’ll have Proud Boys guarding the guards who guard the guards. It’s security all the way down — like the turtles, but angrier.”
When asked what success would look like, Donnelly smiled proudly.
“Simple,” he said. “A nation where no one feels unsafe… except everyone who’s not us.”
The Last Word
As the sun set on another parking-lot rally, Donnelly and his crew posed for a group photo in front of an ICE van, flexing beside a banner reading “Together, We Can Deport Empathy.”
The flash reflected off their mirrored sunglasses as Donnelly adjusted his earpiece — which was not connected to anything — and addressed his followers:
“Brothers, we are the wall. And even if no one asked us to be here, by God, we’re going to stand in front of something.”
He paused, fist raised.
“For liberty,” he said.
“For America,” the crowd replied.
“And for the free breadsticks at Olive Garden,” added one voice from the back.
A cheer went up, the Bluetooth speaker resumed Toby Keith, and the crowd dispersed — secure in the knowledge that they had once again protected America from absolutely nothing.