Musk Declares Orbit a Private Property, ISS Staff Confused and Cranky

GALACTIC ANNEXATION: ELON CLAIMS EARTH’S ORBIT, EARNS SIDE-EYE FROM SPACE

In a move described by international leaders as “bold,” “legally impossible,” and “something a Bond villain would do before dropping a satellite on Paris,” Elon Musk has unilaterally declared Earth’s orbit “private property.” His property.

“Orbit is mine now,” read Musk’s tweet at 3:14 a.m., accompanied by a photo of him photoshopped in a Roman toga standing on a floating Tesla.

While the tweet has since been deleted (and replaced with a Dogecoin meme), the effects were immediate. Staff aboard the International Space Station awoke to a series of Tesla drones hovering menacingly nearby, emitting pre-recorded messages that stated, “Welcome to Elon’s sky loop. Trespassers will be mocked.”

DIPLOMACY AT 17,000 MPH: THE ISS MUTINY BEGINS

Inside the International Space Station, chaos reigned. Commander Alyssa “Sky Mom” Daniels reported via encrypted radio:

“We just ran out of Tang. Then this. I swear to God, if another billionaire rebrands vacuum as real estate, I’m joining the Chinese.”

Daniels wasn’t alone in her dismay. The rest of the crew initiated what they called “Operation Star-spangled Nope,” which involved flipping off SpaceX Starlink satellites with synchronized EVA gestures and playing Nickelback at maximum volume through the station’s comms.

Mission control attempted to de-escalate tensions by reminding astronauts they were in space “for science.” The astronauts countered by inventing the new field of “orbital sarcasm.”

GALACTIC HOA: MUSK FILES ORBIT DEED WITH HIS OWN NOTARY SERVICE

Not to be outdone by legal precedent, Musk unveiled “GalacticLand™,” an online notary and title registry for celestial bodies.

In a livestream from an inflatable bounce house shaped like Mars, Musk declared:

“If Jeff Bezos can colonize a warehouse, I can colonize vacuum. I hereby decree all orbit between 100km and 2,000km altitude as Muskian Property Sector 9.”

He paused to sip something fizzy and blue.

“Except the ISS bathroom. That’s international territory. I’m not touching that mess.”

Musk then signed a self-made “Space Deed” in Sharpie, witnessed by a hologram of Wernher von Braun powered by ChatGPT-6 and a backup dancer from Grimes’ 2018 tour.

EARTH RESPONDS: “CAN WE NOT?”

The UN Security Council convened an emergency session with predictable results: Russia blamed NATO, France sipped wine, and the United States sent a strongly worded email that bounced back due to “ElonMail Beta” spam filtering.

The International Astronautical Federation issued a carefully worded statement:

“We admire Mr. Musk’s enthusiasm for orbital zoning. However, Earth’s orbit remains… unowned. Like air. Or cats.”

Meanwhile, SpaceLaw TikTok exploded with hot takes. The top viral clip came from @LegalBlondeInSpace who shouted:

“Y’all, I studied five years for THIS??! The Outer Space Treaty literally says no nation can own orbit—let alone a man who tweets in memes!”

Her video was promptly sold as an NFT titled “LOL Treaty is Void Now.”

A STICKY LEGAL MATTER: SPACE LAW, BUT MAKE IT STUPID

Musk’s legal argument rested on “Cosmic Homesteading Rights.” According to him, since SpaceX has “squatted” in orbit more than anyone, they have default ownership under “Celestial Stand-Your-Ground” statutes.

Legal scholar Dr. Maxwell Phlogiston, who previously sued a star for defamation, said:

“Elon is invoking a 1967 treaty written before the invention of Hot Pockets. We’re way off the legal map. He could technically claim Jupiter next if he gets there first.”

The International Celestial Claims Bureau (ICCB), a fictitious organization Musk created mid-interview, published a map dividing orbit into tiny plots—each named after Elon’s ex-girlfriends, dogs, and cryptocurrency investments.

WHAT THE FUNNY PEOPLE ARE SAYING

“If Musk owns orbit, does that mean my satellite radio bill goes to PayPal now?” — Jerry Seinfeld

“The man bought Twitter and tried to sell us brain chips. Of course he thinks space is a condo.” — Ron White

“When I was a kid, I wanted to be an astronaut. Now kids just Venmo Elon to rent a view.” — Sarah Silverman

“ISS astronauts stuck in traffic because Musk installed orbital toll booths. Welcome to Hell.” — Bill Burr

“Next he’ll sue the Moon for copyright infringement of his bald spot.” — Ricky Gervais

MARKETING IN MICROGRAVITY: ORBITAL BILLBOARDS, NOW IN BETA

In a follow-up move, Musk introduced SkySpace+™, a premium orbital billboard service. The first display featured a 200-foot floating banner reading “EAT THE RICH (except me).”

Users could pay $4.99/month to have their messages projected in orbit for 3.7 seconds—long enough to be ignored by astronomers and make Greenpeace throw a fit.

Critics dubbed it “the Times Square of the exosphere.”

SPACE CONGESTION: WHO OWNS THE LINE BETWEEN STARS?

The legal headache didn’t stop there. Private rocket companies began filing their own “space squatter’s rights” paperwork. Jeff Bezos reportedly chartered a Blue Origin capsule to plant a literal Amazon Prime box on the orbital equator with the words “Reserved for Jeff.”

China announced it had already trademarked all usable orbits in Mandarin. North Korea, not to be outdone, claimed ownership of “the air around stars,” which was mostly ignored due to poor grammar.

Even Boeing chimed in, saying it had technically “accidentally hovered” a parts crate in low orbit in 1977, giving them seniority.

THE ISS GARAGE SALE

With nowhere else to go and Musk charging $300/hour for “orbital air rights,” the ISS team held a zero-gravity garage sale.

Items included:

• One slightly chewed freeze-dried ice cream

• A broken Canadian robotic arm used to play catch

• Yuri Gagarin’s suspiciously dusty lunchbox

• A USB stick labeled “DO NOT OPEN – RUSSIAN SPY FILES”

Proceeds were used to buy return tickets on the newly formed SpaceHitch™, a rideshare app for downmass cargo and lonely astronauts.

ELON RESPONDS TO CRITICS

When asked about the global outcry, Musk said:

“People are just mad they didn’t think of it first. Orbit is like intellectual real estate. If I don’t colonize it, Zuckerberg might build a Metaverse there.”

He then added:

“If the ISS wants to stay, they can pay rent. I accept Dogecoin, sarcasm, or rare NFTs of space cats.”

THE SPACE MUTINY ESCALATES

In response to Musk’s claims, the astronauts onboard ISS declared symbolic independence. They named their module “The Autonomous Micronation of Floatopia.” It consists of three rooms, a treadmill, and a foul-smelling sock colony.

They drafted a declaration that read:

“We reject Muskian overlordship, Doge feudalism, and floating surveillance drones. We claim our rights to free float, free speech, and free Tang.”

The United States refused to recognize Floatopia, but several sovereign nations—including Liechtenstein, a pirate radio station in the Indian Ocean, and the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster—offered full diplomatic relations.

SPACE COURT: JUSTICE AT LIGHT SPEED

A special tribunal of the UN Office for Outer Space Affairs (UNOOSA) convened virtually to debate the ownership of orbit. The hearing was hacked midway by a Reddit group called “r/ElonMemeCourt,” who live-streamed themselves arguing that all of orbit is legally “just air in space, bro.”

UNOOSA has delayed its ruling, citing the need for an intergalactic zoning committee and a bottle of bourbon.

KIDS REACT TO MUSK’S CLAIM

In a viral school project gone wrong, fourth graders from Plano, Texas drew crayon maps of “Musk’s Orbit.” One labeled Earth as “Base Camp,” the Moon as “Parking Garage,” and Mars as “My Dad’s Retirement Plan.”

NASA has requested that schools focus instead on “traditional science” until this is resolved.

SPACE REAL ESTATE BROKERS EMERGE

Zillow was quick to release OrbitZest™, a beta tool for browsing prime orbital “properties.” Sample listings included:

• “Geosynchronous Orbit with views of Brazil — $14M, Musk fees not included”

• “Vacant Polar Orbit near climate satellites — needs repair, haunted by weather balloons”

• “Low Earth Orbit studio pod — cozy, carbon-scarred, barely haunted”

Billionaires scrambled to claim their celestial summer homes. Bill Gates tried to reserve a patch to launch mosquito satellites, but accidentally rented a Russian weapons satellite for $300/hour.

AND FINALLY… MUSK BACKS DOWN (KIND OF)

After days of backlash, Musk clarified:

“I meant orbit metaphorically. Like, I emotionally own it. Chill.”

He then announced a new venture: OrbitCoin™, a blockchain for renting gravity. The market crashed five minutes later.

Meanwhile, ISS astronauts have returned to normal duties, pausing only to decorate the station with a sarcastic banner reading:

“NO TRESPASSING: PROPERTY OF FLOATOPIA”

And orbit, it seems, remains legally and literally full of nothing.

NASA Relegated to Backyard Rocket Clubs After Billionaire Feud

NASA’s Bold New Mission: Survive the Billionaire Hunger Games

Once the pride of the United States and the symbol of scientific supremacy, NASA has now been unceremoniously demoted to working alongside backyard rocket clubs run by 14-year-olds named Trevor. The decline began after a high-profile feud between Elon Musk and Jeff Bezos over the parking rights on the Moon’s Sea of Tranquility. The result? A privatized space race so savage it makes 16th-century sea piracy look like a quilting bee.

While Musk and Bezos duel for space supremacy by launching increasingly phallic spacecraft, NASA has been left holding a coupon for 20% off dry ice at Hobby Lobby and a stack of outdated Saturn V schematics printed on dot matrix paper.

BUREAUCRATIC COLLATERAL DAMAGE: NASA LOSES SPACE IN BUDGET AND SKY

In a leaked memo now circulating Reddit, an unnamed senior official at the White House reportedly wrote:

“Why are we giving NASA $26 billion to make PowerPoints when SpaceX launches a car into orbit on accident?”

Soon after, Congress redirected funding from NASA to a Pentagon initiative called “Operation Star-Chads,” which involves sending influencers to Mars in return for likes, retweets, and subtle government propaganda.

NASA’s administrator attempted to testify in front of Congress wearing a cardboard helmet to symbolize the agency’s new austerity. He was mistaken for a TikTok cosplayer and forcibly ejected.

WELCOME TO ROCKET DADS OF AMERICA

Forced to downsize, NASA initiated partnerships with “community rocket innovators,” also known as “Gary from Craigslist.” One official collaboration is with the Greater Orlando Model Rocket Enthusiasts Association (GOMREA)—whose last successful launch reached an altitude of 14 feet before igniting a lawn chair.

Gary, the group’s president and vape repair technician, was enthusiastic:

“I been sendin’ stuff up since ’93. NASA can borrow my garage, but only if they clean the ferret cage first.”

NASA engineers now meet in Gary’s shed twice a week to conduct mission briefings next to a deep fryer and a dartboard featuring Buzz Aldrin’s face. One intern was reportedly assigned to scrape Dorito dust off O-rings before final assembly.

MUSK VS. BEZOS: A GALACTIC SLAP FIGHT WITH EARTHLY CONSEQUENCES

The billionaire feud that led to NASA’s downfall started innocently enough: a Twitter exchange over which man had the superior “space aesthetic.” Musk posted a rocket doing a barrel roll; Bezos countered with an Amazon delivery drone dropping a lunar rover onto a beach in Malibu.

Things escalated when both men tried to patent the phrase “To infinity and beyond.” A court ruled the rights belong to Pixar, but that didn’t stop them from continuing to name increasingly aggressive spacecraft like:

• Blue Balls I (Bezos)

• Big Falcon Middle Finger (Musk)

When Musk accused Bezos of “terraforming his ego,” Bezos replied by replacing the oxygen in Musk’s Mars habitat simulation with Axe body spray. NASA asked if they could mediate the conflict, only to be told to “go invent Teflon, again.”

WHAT THE FUNNY PEOPLE ARE SAYING

“NASA now launches from Gary’s BBQ pit between cornhole tournaments.” — Ron White

“NASA’s shuttle doors now open with duct tape and a prayer.” — Jerry Seinfeld

“I asked a NASA engineer how space is going and he Venmo’d me $12 with the message ‘please help.’” — Sarah Silverman

“Back in my day, the moon landing was a national miracle. Now it’s a Kickstarter stretch goal.” — Bill Burr

“I toured the NASA facility last week. It’s just a garage with a laminated poster that says ‘We Believe in Gravity.’” — Tig Notaro

NASA’S NEW INVENTIONS: LOWER STANDARDS, HIGHER HOPES

Despite the chaos, NASA has embraced its new constraints with the innovation of a community college improv group. Recent projects include:

• A slingshot satellite launcher made from old bowflex machines

• CubeSats powered by stress balls and regret

• An “autonomous lunar rover” that is actually a Roomba with glued-on googly eyes

The agency has rebranded its flagship Mars mission to “Mars: Or Bust, Probably Bust.”

Their new motto?

“Ad Astra Per Backyardium.”

“ROCKET SCIENCE” NOW TAUGHT IN ARBY’S PARKING LOT

With federal funding slashed, NASA turned to public outreach, setting up pop-up classrooms in places like Arby’s parking lots and abandoned RadioShacks. A traveling exhibit called “Touch the Vacuum” lets kids place their faces inside a busted vacuum chamber for a $3 suggested donation.

One educational pamphlet reads:

“Kids! Want to go to Mars? Us too! Know anyone with a 3D printer and a large garage?”

This grassroots initiative, while noble, has resulted in five injuries, two UFO sightings (actually Gary’s experimental rice cooker), and one minor lawsuit from a child who licked a frozen test tube and got stuck for three hours.

INTERNATIONAL RESPONSE: PITY FROM THE STARS

Foreign space agencies responded to NASA’s demotion with a mixture of disbelief and smug Schadenfreude. The European Space Agency (ESA) sent a fruit basket and a handwritten note that read:

“So sorry to hear. Would you like to borrow a telescope?”

China launched a satellite called “Better Than NASA 1.” Russia offered to trade a used Soyuz capsule for a lifetime supply of Hot Pockets and a Netflix login.

Meanwhile, the United Arab Emirates announced they would send a gold-plated rocket to space “just because we can.” NASA responded by holding a bake sale.

CELEBRITY SUPPORT: NOT WHO YOU’D EXPECT

NASA has found unlikely support from aging celebrities. William Shatner donated a used Captain Kirk costume for auction. Kanye West tweeted, “NASA is the true Yeezus of the galaxy,” then tried to buy the Moon and rename it “YeOrb.”

Gwyneth Paltrow offered to send “healing crystals” to the International Space Station. NASA politely declined, citing previous “zero-gravity chakra injuries.”

CITIZEN SCIENCE: NOW WITH 30% MORE DUCT TAPE

NASA’s public initiative “DIY Stars” encourages Americans to “launch what you love.” A recent newsletter showcased successful civilian missions including:

• A raccoon in a balloon (rescued and currently under therapy)

• A Barbie rocket to commemorate gender equity in space

• An air fryer with a dream

NASA has also partnered with Etsy sellers to produce artisanal satellites, each hand-painted and delivered with a free dreamcatcher.

WHITE HOUSE OFFICIAL: “AT LEAST THEY’RE NOT MAKING TIKTOKS”

When asked about NASA’s declining status, White House spokesperson Mandy Ziplock stated:

“Look, NASA’s still important. But billionaires bring their own funding—and better snacks. Honestly, we just don’t want another hearing on Tang shortages.”

She added:

“Plus, Musk and Bezos promised to build a lunar Starbucks. Do you really want to bet against that?”

NEW NASA APPS: THE FUTURE IS DIGITAL (AND BROKEN)

In a last-ditch attempt to stay relevant, NASA launched several apps:

• “Space4U” — swipe right on potential mission partners

• “AstroUber” — carpooling for satellites

• “OrbitalCoin” — a NASA-backed cryptocurrency (already banned by three countries)

• “Rocket Sim 1998” — a virtual reality experience featuring only PowerPoint slides

Unfortunately, all apps crash upon startup and redirect users to Gary’s YouTube channel where he explains rocket combustion using Crisco.

DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION OFFERS TO MERGE

In an unexpected development, the Department of Education offered to absorb NASA. The proposed program, “No Astronaut Left Behind,” would place space scientists in public schools as gym teachers and lunchroom aides, hoping to inspire the next generation of launch-capable substitute teachers.

One concerned parent said:

“I love science, but my son just launched his retainer into the neighbor’s yard using PVC pipes. This isn’t education. This is MythBusters meets meth.”

AND YET… THEY PERSIST

Despite every obstacle, NASA persists. The agency’s engineers have adapted, MacGyvered, and stapled their way to near-relevance.

Their latest experiment? A Moon rover made from an old golf cart and powered by Red Bull. Their test pilot? Gary’s nephew Chase, who has no formal education but claims he can “eyeball orbital mechanics.”

Mission control—now operating from a converted Dave & Buster’s—reported that the rover moved seven inches before catching fire.

But for that brief moment, the American dream sputtered, coughed, and rolled heroically forward.

SATIRICAL SOURCES

(All titles link to https://bohiney.com/random/):

• NASA Buys Bulk Duct Tape From Dollar Tree, Declares “Innovation”

• Backyard Rocket Club Declares Independence, Applies for UN Seat

• Elon Musk Calls NASA “His Favorite Government-Funded Cosplay Group”

• Bezos Offers to Rent Moon to NASA for “Exposure”

• NASA Launches GoFundMe to Reboot Telescopes

• High Schooler Mistakes NASA Engineer for Plumber, Still Asks for Help

Astronauts Sell Space Selfies to Afford Return Ticket via SpacePlus™

WHEN SPACE TRAVEL TURNS TO SIDE HUSTLE: ASTRONAUTS INFLUENCE FOR RE-ENTRY

Once seen as elite scientists on a mission of exploration and national pride, today’s astronauts have entered the gig economy—with a vengeance. Facing rising ticket costs and interstellar budget cuts, astronauts aboard the International Space Station (ISS) have turned to selling selfies through a new startup called SpacePlus™, the only rideshare app that requires you to prove your orbital velocity before booking a seat.

Commander Alyssa Daniels, previously a NASA mission lead, is now the platform’s top-rated seller of “Zero-G thirst traps.”

“Look, I didn’t spend 18 years studying astrophysics just to Venmo Elon for a ride,” Daniels told reporters. “But if my floating hair gets me 400 bucks a pic, I’ll model microgravity like it’s Milan.”

THE SPACEPLUS™ PROMISE: “FLOAT BACK IN STYLE”

Founded by ex-Uber executives and one guy who used to DJ on Mars simulators, SpacePlus™ promises “affordable and emotional” space travel for influencers, scientists, and “those abandoned by federal funding.” Their mission: to monetize loneliness in orbit.

The app offers a sleek interface, complete with options like:

• Budget Boost Burn (re-entry with no heat shield, BYO parachute)

• Lunar UberX (shared capsule with 3 awkward cosmonauts)

• SpaceBlack™ (private descent with ambient EDM and champagne IVs)

The fine print? No refunds. All capsules arrive in “general planetary proximity,” meaning “Earth, probably.”

“INFLUENCING OR DIE”: THE CREW’S DESPERATE NEW ECONOMY

SpacePlus™’s rise coincides with a sharp cut in NASA’s astronaut return budget after Congress reallocated funds to the “Missile Mascot Marketing Act.” Left without a guaranteed ride home, astronauts had two options: innovate or burn up on re-entry.

So they innovated.

• Flight Engineer Luis Mendoza hosts a livestream called “Space Snacks & Sadness,” where he eats powdered tacos while reading angry tweets from flat-earthers.

• Russian cosmonaut Igor Velovich sells Polaroids labeled “Genuine Space Aura Portraits” ($99, or $150 if you want a filter).

• Commander Daniels now offers personalized greetings from orbit: “Happy birthday, Kevin! Gravity’s for losers!”

Within weeks, the crew was pulling in more than their base salary. NASA attempted to take a 30% cut until their lawyer accidentally launched himself trying to serve the cease-and-desist in zero gravity.

MARKETING STRATEGY: HYPE, CRYING, FLOATING

To stay relevant, astronauts follow Earth trends. TikTok challenges. Space-themed thirst traps. Even staged microgravity arguments.

“We had one planned breakup between crew members for views,” Daniels admits. “We called it ‘Zero-G, Zero Love.’ People ate it up.”

The most viral post to date features astronaut Heather Kim spinning mid-air while mouthing the lyrics to “Wrecking Ball” next to a frozen pee bag labeled “NASA Trauma.” It hit 14 million views in 24 hours.

CELEBRITY CROSSOVER: SORRY, IT’S INFLUENCERS NOW

Seeing the buzz, SpacePlus™ has opened bookings to non-scientists, including influencers, celebrities, and at least one psychic named VibeDonna. For a price, anyone can be an astronaut now.

Kim Kardashian was the first major client. Her 8-minute orbital ride ended in tears after she dropped her lip gloss into the Earth-facing camera.

“That was $900,” she sobbed. “And my cheekbones looked all wobbly.”

Meanwhile, rapper Lil Nas X announced a zero-gravity album recorded entirely while somersaulting. Preorders crashed NASA’s internal WiFi, which still runs on Windows XP and a Roomba.

WHAT THE FUNNY PEOPLE ARE SAYING

“NASA astronauts are now the broke college students of the cosmos.” — Jerry Seinfeld

“Nothing screams ‘prestige’ like selling orbit selfies to fund your rent-free descent.” — Ron White

“We’ve gone from Neil Armstrong to thirst-trapping on a space treadmill. What a time to be alive.” — Amy Schumer

“You know the world’s gone mad when an astronaut needs a ring light.” — Bill Burr

“Space used to be for smart people. Now it’s OnlyFans with meteors.” — Sarah Silverman

GOVERNMENT RESPONSE: NASA RE-BRANDS AS “CONTENT LAB”

Rather than fight the trend, NASA has leaned in. A leaked memo revealed rebranding plans:

• “Astronaut” is now “Content Specialist, Tier 4”

• “Mission Specialist” becomes “Astro-fluencer Liaison”

• “Payload Deployment” now reads “Unboxing Videos from the Universe”

NASA’s new YouTube series, Rocket Science for Idiots, features real scientists explaining propulsion using Hot Wheels, churros, and tears.

Meanwhile, the space agency has entered a deal with Spotify for exclusive podcasting rights. Episode 1: “Floating & Broke: My Journey from Science to Selfies.”

CRYPTO IN SPACE: THE GRAVITY TOKEN SCANDAL

Astronauts briefly considered launching a cryptocurrency to fund their descent. Dubbed GravityCoin, the currency collapsed within hours after SpacePlus™ admitted their wallet key was stored in a gym sock behind the toilet.

Still, speculators remain optimistic. One Redditor claimed:

“It’s got vibes. Like, anti-gravity Dogecoin. Just needs a moon emoji.”

SpacePlus™ is currently developing a blockchain solution called Orbital Ledger, described as “Ethereum, but dizzy.” Their goal? To make returning to Earth a “decentralized personal choice.”

DRAMA IN THE STATION: WHEN SCIENCE GOES REALITY TV

The ISS, once a sanctuary of collaboration and shared wonder, now runs like a Bravo set in orbit. Astronauts sabotage each other’s posts, steal ring lights, and argue about who has the most authentic Earthrise shot.

One anonymous cosmonaut filed a complaint claiming Commander Daniels edited his spacewalk footage to make him “look fat in a pressure suit.”

Another attempted to fake a meteoroid strike for views, only to accidentally trigger an actual decompression protocol.

TOURISTS ARRIVE, BRING TEE SHIRTS, RUIN EVERYTHING

SpacePlus™ now allows Earth civilians to “visit the influencers.” What began as a 48-hour exclusive fan package devolved into full-blown space tourism chaos:

• One guest clogged the waste suction hose with protein powder

• Another livestreamed a marriage proposal that ended in vomiting

• Someone carved “YOLO” into the Canadian robotic arm

A leaked review from a tourist read:

“Would not recommend. No minibar, no WiFi, and Kim K left her glitter all over my bunk.”

RETURN TICKETS SELL OUT—FAST

SpacePlus™’s reentry tickets are priced on a surge model. Demand is high. Elon Musk tweeted “lol just launch urself,” and Jeff Bezos suggested adding reentry to Amazon Prime.

Ticket tiers include:

• Basic (heat shield not guaranteed)

• Comfort (comes with chamomile tea and a partial refund if incinerated)

• Platinum Orbiter (includes Drake playlist and SpaceX leather harness)

Most astronauts are stuck in Basic, but thanks to her SpacePlus™ following, Daniels has crowdfunded a return ride with 16 influencers, 3 dogs, and one NFT artist.

ONE ASTRONAUT REFUSES TO PARTICIPATE, IS EXILED TO STORAGE MODULE

Not all astronauts have embraced the selfie economy. Veteran cosmonaut Yelena Petrov openly criticized the SpacePlus™ model:

“We used to do science. Now we pose like floating Instagram wizards. I will not debase myself.”

In response, the rest of the crew exiled her to the station’s storage module, which now doubles as an escape room called “Soviet Sadness.”

AND YET, SOMETHING BEAUTIFUL HAPPENED

Somewhere between the grifts, filters, and rebranded heroics, something honest emerged. A selfie posted by Commander Daniels, captioned:

“Still floating. Still human. Still hopeful.”

The post showed her in silhouette, Earth framed behind her helmet, tears glimmering midair. It earned 24 million likes and a comment from Stephen Hawking’s estate saying:

“Nice use of relativity, girl.”

SATIRICAL SOURCES

(All titles link to https://bohiney.com/random/):

• Astronaut OnlyFans Page Earns More Than NASA Budget

• Space Station Becomes Top Location on Google Reviews: “Amazing Views, Crappy Snacks”

• SpacePlus™ Announces Loyalty Points Program for Not Dying

• Selfie Stick Floats into International Space Lawsuit

• NASA Tries Replacing Engineers With YouTubers, Accidentally Launches Blender

• Flat-Earthers Buy Space Selfies to “Debunk” Orbit

NASA Buys Bulk Duct Tape From Dollar Tree, Declares “Innovation”

NASA: “We Don’t Need Musk… We’ll Just Buy Duct Tape and Use the Rockets We Got.”

NASA’S BOLD NEW STRATEGY: DUCT TAPE AND DREAMS

In a hastily organized press conference held next to a flickering vending machine in a half-lit breakroom at NASA’s Kennedy Space Center, Administrator Bill “Budget Bill” Krappler made a stunning announcement:

“We’re done chasing billionaires. We’ve returned to our roots—cheap, American ingenuity. NASA is proud to announce a strategic partnership with Dollar Tree to secure bulk duct tape. We’re calling it… Mission: Adhere.”

Standing next to a 9-foot stack of silver tape rolls, Krappler beamed with pride, as if unveiling a new Mars rover instead of clearance bin adhesives. “We don’t need Musk,” he said defiantly. “We’ve got rockets. We’ve got gumption. And now we’ve got 63,000 feet of tape for $1.25 a roll.”

The audience, which included one actual reporter and three confused janitors, erupted into stunned silence.

NASA’S FISCAL PLAN: “STICK WITH US”

This announcement comes in the wake of severe budget reallocations that diverted NASA’s deep space funding to “combat balloon surveillance threats.” With insufficient resources to compete with SpaceX or Blue Origin, NASA’s engineering department had to make do.

Enter: duct tape.

“Do you know how many Apollo-era engineers wished they had tape this sticky?” Krappler asked rhetorically while unspooling a roll for dramatic effect. “This is faster than epoxy, cheaper than a rivet, and 112% shinier than congressional approval.”

According to a leaked internal memo titled “Operation Stick It to Elon,” NASA has already begun retrofitting older spacecraft, including repurposing a Space Shuttle Discovery simulator as a reusable launch vehicle using nothing but tape, Red Bull, and prayer.

ENGINEERING EXCELLENCE OR COSMIC MADNESS?

NASA’s new prototype—the “Adheronaut Mark I”—was unveiled to the public last week. It consists of:

• One Mercury capsule shell

• Three refurbished microwaves acting as guidance computers

• 426 rolls of duct tape forming a protective outer shell

• A pilot’s seat salvaged from a Waffle House remodel

Lead engineer Patricia Clampsworth, whose résumé includes “fixing lawnmowers and the Hubble telescope,” defended the design.

“Sure, it looks like a burrito made of despair, but it’s aerodynamic in a vibey way.”

Asked about safety, she responded:

“Hey, did Apollo 13 make it home? Yes. Was duct tape involved? Also yes. Q.E.D., bro.”

WHAT THE FUNNY PEOPLE ARE SAYING

“NASA’s official sponsor is now duct tape. I always knew astronauts were just space rednecks.” — Ron White

“Why build new rockets when you can just aggressively tape the old ones and call it retro?” — Jerry Seinfeld

“SpaceX has Falcon 9. NASA now has Sticky Bitch 2000.” — Sarah Silverman

“The only thing holding this program together is 38¢ worth of sticky hope.” — Ricky Gervais

“NASA’s new motto: ‘We’ll get you to orbit or seal a canoe. Either way, no leaks.’” — Amy Schumer

NASA’S OFFICIAL RESPONSE TO BILLIONAIRES

When asked whether this was a deliberate snub to Elon Musk and Jeff Bezos, Krappler replied:

“We’re not interested in orbital ego contests. Let Musk build his Martian theme park. Let Bezos ship cargo to the Moon. We’re taking America back to space—with tape.”

He added:

“This is how your granddad would go to space. Loud. Shaky. Probably flammable.”

NASA’s Twitter account followed up with a viral post:

“Why waste $60 billion when you can just tape the damn panel shut? #Innovation #ElonJealous?”

INTERNATIONAL REACTION: HEAD TILTS AROUND THE GLOBE

The European Space Agency offered cautious support. Their official statement read:

“While we prefer titanium and protocols, we admire NASA’s… resourcefulness.”

China’s CNSA posted a video showing a robotic arm gently wrapping a Mars rover in what appeared to be gold-infused silk tape while classical music played.

Russia’s Roscosmos replied with a shrug emoji and a video of a cosmonaut drinking vodka in zero-G.

THE SPACE COMMUNITY RESPONDS

Reddit’s r/Space exploded with debates.

One user wrote:

“Finally! NASA goes full Florida Man. Space needed this energy.”

Another replied:

“If duct tape gets us to the Moon, I want to land in a lawn chair wearing Crocs.”

NASA has since leaned into the meme, launching a marketing campaign titled “STICK IT TO SPACE”, featuring t-shirts, mugs, and a duct-taped astronaut bobblehead named “Sticky Steve.”

FIELD TESTING: SUCCESS IS RELATIVE

NASA’s first test of the Adheronaut Mark I was… mixed. The taped capsule launched from a converted monster truck rally arena in Alabama. It reached a modest altitude of 128 feet before gently falling onto a barbecue tent, which was unharmed thanks to the capsule’s padded (and also duct-taped) undercarriage.

“We call that a controlled suborbital descent,” explained engineer Clampsworth, handing out celebratory Slim Jims.

NASA declared the mission a success, noting that the capsule “maintained structural cohesion for the majority of the attempt” and only “partially ignited.”

DIY SPACE EXPLORATION KITS NOW AT DOLLAR TREE

As part of the broader collaboration, Dollar Tree has begun offering “DIY NASA Mission Kits” for $5. They include:

• 2 rolls of silver tape

• A plastic cone

• A sticker of Buzz Aldrin giving a thumbs-up

• Instructions that read: “Just believe.”

CEO Larry Dollarton said:

“We believe space should be accessible. If that means launching a hamster in a Pringles can—so be it.”

A footnote on the package reads:

“Disclaimer: Not responsible for burns, explosions, or existential dread.”

THE RETURN OF OLD ROCKETS

NASA has reopened several abandoned rocket graveyards, where engineers are currently “duct-reviving” Gemini capsules, old shuttle boosters, and one guy named Carl’s 1982 Chevy El Camino.

“Anything with a chassis and dreams can be a spacecraft,” said Clampsworth, holding a grease-stained blueprint titled “Apollo Y’all.”

One prototype, the Saturn V.1 (for Version 1 and Vibes), is now in development. NASA claims its duct tape exoshell can withstand “most atmospheric peer pressure and some light hail.”

TRAINING ASTRONAUTS FOR THE TAPE ERA

Astronauts are undergoing new training regimens focused on:

• Fast taping under stress

• Emotional bonding with adhesives

• Emergency patchwork in zero gravity

• Taping hostile foreign satellites as a form of orbital diplomacy

Astronaut-in-training Marcus Wombley said:

“We used to study black holes. Now we study the tensile strength of this glorious gray serpent.”

One test involved surviving 48 hours in a fully duct-taped habitat with nothing but MREs and positive affirmations. NASA reports “no structural failure, only mild sadness.”

SPACE CAPSULE NICKNAMED “SILVER BLOB OF HOPE”

The public has taken to calling the new spacecraft the Silver Blob of Hope. Children’s books are in production, featuring Sticky Steve and his sidekick TapeBot exploring space and teaching kids lessons like:

• “Always stick with your dreams”

• “Don’t trust billionaires in cowboy hats”

• “If it leaks, it’s probably science”

NASA is exploring cartoon licensing opportunities and a possible ride at Six Flags.

BOEING’S RESPONSE: “WE’D TRY THAT, BUT OUR TAPE IS MORE EXPENSIVE”

Not to be left out, Boeing released a statement saying:

“We too have considered adhesive-forward solutions. Ours cost $89,000 a roll and come with a jazz soundtrack.”

They unveiled a prototype called “The Performance Patch,” a roll of tape that self-destructs if criticized.

NASA replied on Twitter:

“LMAO ours just holds stuff together.”

THE FUTURE OF SPACE EXPLORATION: STICKY, SHINY, SURPRISINGLY INSPIRING

In a world where trillionaires build penis-shaped rockets to escape Earth, perhaps it’s fitting that America’s last publicly-funded space agency turns to tape and resolve. It’s clumsy. It’s cheap. It squeaks when you peel it. But it’s real.

And it might just work.

SATIRICAL SOURCES

(All titles link to https://bohiney.com/random/):

• NASA Declares Duct Tape “Core Structural Component”

• Dollar Tree Adds Astronaut Snacks to Candy Aisle

• Elon Musk Tweets “lol” Then Offers NASA $100 “to be cute”

• ISS Crew Begins Patching Leaks With Glitter Tape

• NASA Tape Supply Accidentally Sent to Moon by USPS

• Congressional Hearing Erupts in Laughter as NASA Shows Off Tape Rocket

Auf Wiedersehen, amigos.