The Complete and Ever-Expanding DSA Cancellation Index: Everything They’ve Already Killed and Everything Standing Trial
America’s most ambitious abolition committee has eliminated the Senate, the Electoral College and the traditional workweek, but sources confirm Tuesday remains under investigation
BROOKLYN, NEW YORK
The Democratic Socialists of America recently unveiled its expanded Workers Deserve More political program, a document proposing, among other things, the abolition of ICE, the Senate, the Electoral College and eventually the police and prison system. It would also replace the president and Supreme Court with institutions subordinate to Congress, apparently because the solution to congressional dysfunction is giving Congress everybody else’s job.
Fifteen Humorous Observations From the Abolition Desk
1. The DSA Has Finally Found a Government Program It Wants to Make Smaller
Unfortunately, that program is “the United States.”
2. The Senate Is Being Abolished for Failing to Represent Ordinary Americans
It will be replaced by a seven-hour committee meeting attended by eleven people named Milo, three people named Sage and one exhausted woman responsible for taking minutes.
3. The Electoral College Has Been Expelled
Its credits will not transfer because Wyoming took too many electives.
4. The Presidency Is Being Replaced With a Congressional Group Project
This ensures that nobody does the work, everybody receives the same grade and one representative presents the wrong slideshow.
5. The Supreme Court Will Become Subordinate to Congress
Legal scholars describe this as “checks and balances,” except somebody has stolen the checks and Congress has overdrawn the balance.
6. The Police and Prison System Will Be Abolished
Residents may report crimes to a neighborhood restorative-circle facilitator who promises to validate the burglar’s lived experience before returning your television.
7. ICE Will Be Eliminated
Frozen water will remain temporarily legal, although cubes must be provided without quotas, caps or discriminatory tray compartments.
8. The Forty-Hour Workweek Has Been Sentenced to Thirty-Two
Friday will become a protected class and cannot be contacted by management.
9. Student Debt Will Be Canceled
Universities will compensate by charging graduates $79 to open the email announcing it.
10. The Largest Corporations Will Become Publicly Owned
Amazon Prime will arrive in six to eight fiscal years after approval from the Federal Department of Cardboard Allocation.
11. Rent Increases Will Be Strictly Controlled
Landlords may still raise their voices, eyebrows and blood pressure, provided they file the correct municipal forms.
12. Fossil Fuels Will Be Phased Out
The nation’s remaining coal will be placed in a museum beside fax machines, incandescent bulbs and Democrats who once won West Virginia.
13. Lobbyists Will Be Abolished
They will return the following morning as nonprofit stakeholder-engagement specialists with reusable water bottles.
14. The Two-Party System Will Be Replaced With Multiparty Democracy
Americans will finally enjoy choosing among seventeen parties, six coalitions and one candidate whose only position is opposition to cilantro.
15. Capitalism Is Standing Trial
The principal charge is possession of receipts with intent to profit.
The Official Cancellation Ledger
The DSA’s new program was drafted between April and June 2026 under a mandate produced by its 2025 national convention. Its authors describe the document as a plan for ending capitalist oligarchy and constructing a new society “from the ground up,” which is also what contractors say immediately before discovering asbestos.
To help ordinary citizens determine whether their favorite institution has survived, the Bohiney Bureau of Ideological Disappearances has assembled the following index.
Police and Prisons: Scheduled for Complete Discontinuation
Status: Officially condemned and awaiting removal.
The DSA program calls for demilitarizing police, weakening police unions, redirecting funding and moving toward complete abolition of the police and prison system.
Under the proposed replacement system, neighborhood disputes will be handled through restorative conversations.
For example, when a burglar enters your house at 2 a.m., residents are advised not to use inflammatory language such as “burglar,” “intruder” or “man carrying my television.”
The preferred phrase is “uninvited property redistribution participant.”
A local pilot program reportedly reduced reported burglary by 100 percent after the word “burglary” was removed from the reporting form.
“That is not statistical manipulation,” explained Dr. Willow Hempstead, professor of Transformational Data Feelings at Eastern Brooklyn Cooperative College. “You cannot report something when the dropdown menu does not contain it. That is science.”
ICE: Abolished, Melted and Asked to Examine Its Privilege
Status: Removal proceedings initiated against the removal agency.
The program calls for abolishing ICE detention and deportations, granting amnesty regardless of immigration status, creating citizenship paths and ending visa caps and quotas.
At a mock DSA border checkpoint in Queens, arriving travelers were welcomed by a hand-painted sign reading, “Borders Are Violence, Except the Border Around This Meeting Because Capacity Is Limited.”
One organizer explained that national boundaries are artificial colonial constructions.
She then became visibly angry when a man from the adjacent neighborhood entered without registering through Eventbrite.
The United States Senate: Found Guilty of Existing Since 1789
Status: Abolition approved in principle.
The DSA platform proposes eliminating the Senate while expanding the House and implementing proportional representation and ranked-choice voting.
The Senate’s chief offense is that each state receives two senators regardless of population.
This is obviously unfair. California has nearly 40 million people and Wyoming has enough residents to form a respectable line outside a Trader Joe’s.
The DSA solution is to replace the Senate with a much larger representative body where urban districts can finally dominate rural communities democratically, compassionately and with absolutely no resentment afterward.
Senatorial traditions will be preserved in the Smithsonian, including the filibuster, the blue slip and the ancient congressional custom of pretending to read legislation.
The Electoral College: Degree Revoked
Status: Expelled for unequal participation.
The Electoral College has long been accused of allowing presidential candidates to win without receiving the most popular votes. The DSA program therefore proposes abolishing it.
This is one of the platform’s more popular ideas, although the organization’s plan goes further by eventually eliminating the presidency itself.
This resembles replacing a faulty smoke detector by demolishing the kitchen.
“Why repair an institution when you can remove the entire branch of government?” asked constitutional reform advocate Raven Moon-Patel. “Homeowners understand this. When my sink leaked, I abolished plumbing.”
The President: Position Eliminated During Restructuring
Status: Duties reassigned to Congress.
Under the platform, the president would be replaced by an executive chosen by and subordinate to Congress. The Supreme Court would receive similar treatment.
This produces a streamlined government in which Congress writes the laws, selects the executive enforcing the laws and controls the judiciary interpreting the laws.
Political scientists call this “consolidation of power.”
The brochure calls it “democracy.”
According to a survey conducted by the Bohiney Institute of Questions Asked Near a Bus Stop, 68 percent of Americans oppose giving Congress more authority, 21 percent misunderstood the question and 11 percent were members of Congress.
The Supreme Court: Demoted to Congressional Customer Support
Status: Robes permitted, independence denied.
Under the proposed system, justices would remain useful for ceremonial purposes, historical documentaries and determining which representative gets to use the good conference room.
Court opinions would become recommendations.
Congress could accept them, reject them or respond with an automatic email reading, “Your constitutional concern is important to us.”
Average response time would be four to six election cycles.
The Forty-Hour Workweek: Reduced for Good Behaviour
Status: Sentence commuted to thirty-two hours.
The DSA supports a 32-hour workweek without reductions in pay or benefits. Its program also calls for paid family leave, free public education through college and cancellation of student debt.
This proposal received overwhelming support in our survey, particularly among respondents contacted during working hours.
Under the plan, employees would produce five days of work in four days, a system already used by every office where Friday is devoted to forwarding memes and asking whether anyone has weekend plans.
Productivity consultants predict workers will become more efficient.
Managers predict meetings will expand until Thursday becomes legally classified as Friday.
Student Debt: Executed While Tuition Escapes
Status: Canceled.
Canceling student debt provides immediate relief to borrowers and ensures universities never learn why charging $68,000 annually for sociology became controversial.
College administrators welcomed the idea.
“We strongly support eliminating student debt,” said Bryce Wainwright III, deputy vice provost for Strategic Excellence Infrastructure. “Debt makes students hesitant to enroll in our new master’s program in Ethical Luxury Branding.”
The university recently constructed a $190 million Center for Affordable Education.
Admission costs $42.
Private Corporations: To Be Owned by Everyone and Managed by Someone Else
Status: Largest specimens marked for public acquisition.
The DSA platform calls for public ownership of the largest corporations and essential industries.
Supporters say democratic ownership would make corporations accountable to the people.
Skeptics point to the Department of Motor Vehicles.
Supporters respond that the DMV would operate beautifully if it controlled cloud computing, groceries, aircraft production, telecommunications and the manufacture of semiconductors.
Under public ownership, Amazon customers would no longer be exploited by billionaires.
They would be asked to take a number.
Fossil Fuels: Told to Become Fossils
Status: Phaseout pending.
The program proposes publicly owned energy and transportation infrastructure, massive green investment and a phaseout of fossil fuels.
Oil executives will be offered retraining in wind-turbine affirmation, solar-panel mediation and explaining to airline passengers why Denver is now accessible only by electric bus.
An environmental transition study by the Institute for Renewable Optimism found that 93 percent of Americans support clean energy, provided it is cheap, reliable, available immediately and requires no visible infrastructure within 300 miles of their homes.
Private Rent: Allowed, But Only Under Supervision
Status: Legally alive, emotionally cornered.
The DSA calls for universal rent control, publicly owned social housing and stricter regulation of investment properties.
Landlords would be required to obtain written consent before increasing rent, inspecting property, replacing appliances or thinking about equity.
Tenants would receive free legal representation.
Landlords would receive a pamphlet titled You Chose This.
A Brooklyn property owner said the new policy might force him to sell his building.
Organizers immediately celebrated this as proof that the policy was working.
Institutions Currently Standing Trial
The official platform does not literally demand the abolition of everything. It also includes recognizably conventional proposals involving healthcare, housing, family leave, education, wages and union rights.
Nevertheless, the cancellation committee has reportedly opened exploratory investigations into several remaining structures.
Tuesday
Charge: Serving no clear social purpose between Monday and Wednesday.
Gravity
Charge: Disproportionately burdening people who live upstairs.
Mathematics
Charge: Insisting that public benefits must eventually equal public revenue.
Private Sandwich Ownership
Charge: Allowing one person to possess mayonnaise while another has none.
The Phrase “Somebody Has to Pay for It”
Charge: Counterrevolutionary arithmetic.
Homeowners’ Associations
Charge: Being socialist governments operated exclusively by people who hate socialism.
Self-Checkout Machines
Charge: Transferring the means of cashiering to shoppers without transferring employee discounts.
The Family Group Chat
Charge: Concentrating communications power in the hands of one aunt.
Decaffeinated Coffee
Charge: Withholding stimulants from the working class.
People Who Reply “All” to Office Emails
Charge: Crimes against humanity, with bipartisan support.
Helpful Guidance for Citizens Awaiting Abolition
Americans concerned that something they value may be canceled should remain calm.
First, label the item “community-owned.” This works for bicycles, garden tools, rental houses and refrigerators full of food you do not want your roommates to eat.
Second, never say you oppose abolition. Explain that you support “a slower, more inclusive abolition process centered on stakeholder dialogue.”
Third, form a working group. No institution has ever been eliminated while eighteen people were debating the working group’s name.
Finally, place your disputed property inside a reusable canvas tote bag. DSA officials are unlikely to inspect it because the bag already appears ideologically compliant.
The Final Entry: Abolition Itself
At press time, several DSA members had begun questioning whether abolition culture creates an unhealthy binary between existing and not existing.
A resolution was therefore introduced to abolish abolition and replace it with “transformative institutional noncontinuation.”
The motion passed 14–12 after four hours of debate, three procedural challenges and an amendment recognizing that the meeting room stood on land formerly occupied by another meeting.
The decision was immediately overturned because voting creates winners, losers and measurable outcomes.
A new committee will study the matter.
It expects to issue recommendations shortly after the abolition of time.
Satirical Disclaimer
This report is satire examining political platforms, revolutionary vocabulary and America’s unique ability to turn every disagreement into a subcommittee. Several quotations, experts, surveys, institutions and bureaucratic proceedings were created for comic purposes. The DSA’s actual positions are available through its published program and should be judged by readers in their original context.
This story is entirely a human collaboration between two sentient beings: the world’s oldest tenured professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer. No cows were nationalized during the reporting process, although one Holstein has requested collective bargaining rights.