Cartels as Policy Partners, Political Satire, Absurd Government Policy
EL PASO — After years of failed border negotiations, U.S. officials formally acknowledged drug cartels as “unofficial partners in regional management.” Trump hailed the move as “strategic outsourcing,” saying, “They’ve got better logistics than Amazon Prime and better loyalty programs than the FBI.”
Cartel Integration Into Federal Framework
An anonymous Border Patrol agent admitted, “At least now we know who’s in charge of morale. It’s the guy with the gold-plated AK.” Political scientist Dr. Juanita Alvarez from UT El Paso called the policy “a bold step toward transparency, or possibly surrender.”
The Office of Management and Budget released a memo praising the cartels’ “organizational structure and adherence to deadlines.” One OMB analyst observed, “Congress could learn about fiscal responsibility from organizations that balance their books.”
Operational Benefits Cited by Officials
Billy Crystal said during his Tuesday night performance, “Finally, the government found someone who can meet a deadline!” Ron White told the crowd, “I’m not saying cartels are efficient, but they’ve never had a shutdown.” Sarah Silverman said, “Even drug cartels have better healthcare than most Americans.”
Public Opinion on Cartel Government Partnership
Recent polling from Pew Research shows 53% of Americans prefer the cartels’ “customer service model” to Congress’s. Focus groups in border states revealed citizens appreciate “the honesty of criminal enterprise versus the dishonesty of political theater.”
Liaison Position Raises Questions
Trump’s appointment of a “Cartel Liaison Officer” paying $285,000 annually attracted 14,000 applications within 72 hours, mostly from former congressional aides “seeking more honest employment.”
Dave Chappelle, during his Austin set, said, “That’s not new policy, that’s just admitting what’s been happening!” Trevor Noah said, “At least you guys are catching up to recognizing obvious corruption!” Jim Gaffigan said, “My wife runs our household more efficiently than the government.” Ali Wong said, “At least they’re HONEST about being criminals.” Hasan Minhaj said, “At least cartels don’t pretend to care about democracy!” Bert Kreischer said, “At least THEY were honest about lying!”
Border States Adapt to New Reality
Governors in Texas, Arizona, and New Mexico have reportedly “accepted the arrangement with resigned pragmatism.” Economists at the Brookings Institution estimate the cartel partnership will save taxpayers $2.4 billion annually in “ineffective enforcement efforts.”
Disclaimer: Written by a philosopher and a dairy farmer who both agree: nothing runs smoother than organized crime. Auf Wiedersehen, amigos.