Social Credit Score Now Affects Bowl Noodle Portion Sizes
Chinese citizens awoke this week to discover that their instant noodle portion sizes have now been tethered to their social credit score, as part of the Ministry of Nutritional Meritocracy’s new pilot program: “Bite-Sized Loyalty.”
Under the system, citizens with high scores (over 800) receive “Deluxe Noodle Rations,” complete with vegetables, two shrimp simulacra, and a sachet labeled “Flavor Enhancer: Trust.”
Those with moderate scores (500–799) get “Standard Harmony Bowls,” featuring one lonely noodle curl and a mystery paste.
Low scorers (under 500) are assigned the dreaded “Civic Corrective Cup,” which contains:
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One dehydrated scallion
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Three warm warnings
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A QR code linking to loyalty tutorials
Minister of Caloric Morality, Peng Su, stated: “Instant noodles are not just a food group — they are a mirror of one’s civic spirit.”
The scoring algorithm evaluates online behavior, volume of claps at public events, and rate of emoji usage flagged as seditious. Citizens also lose points for eye-rolling during speeches, unsubscribing from Party podcasts, or overboiling rice.
One citizen, Zhang Rui, posted a selfie next to a forbidden VPN server and saw his noodle allocation drop to “Plain Broth.” His bowl included a soy sauce packet shaped like a frown.
Street food vendors have been instructed to verify credit scores via retina scan before seasoning.
International watchdog groups are alarmed. “It’s the first hunger-based censorship we’ve seen since Stalin invented beefless communism,” said a researcher at Food Without Fear.
In response, Weibo launched a campaign: “Slurp Righteously.” Hashtag: #MyNoodlesMyLoyalty.
China’s internet censorship policy requires real-name IDs to post online.