Meet Your New Shaman: ChatGPT Will Now Guide You Through the Multiverse   The Digital Shaman Has Arrived Once upon a time, spiritual guidance meant tribal elders, psychedelic rituals, and jungles. Today, it

Graduates Receive Diplomas and Signed Restraining Orders Trump Institute Launches Online Course: "Apology Resistance 101" Taught by Rudy Giuliani and a Live Bald EagleGraduates Receive Diplomas and Signed Restraining OrdersPALM BEACH,

Also Says Regret Causes Hair Loss, But Not for Him Trump Claims Apologizing Shrinks the Hands, Cites "Very Real Science" From Trump University TextbookAlso Says Regret Causes Hair Loss, But Not

Smells Like Leather, Ego, and Executive Orders Trump Declares Himself "National Role Model of Unapologetic Masculinity," Launches Cologne Called "Regretless'Smells Like Leather, Ego, and Executive OrdersNEW YORK, NY -- In his

Says Reflection Is the Only Accountability a Patriot Needs Trump Approves National "No Apologies Week," Replaces Flag with Giant MirrorSays Reflection Is the Only Accountability a Patriot NeedsWASHINGTON, D.C. -- In

Federal Workers Describe Shutdown Chaos; Say They're Now 'Full-Time Netflix Critics' As the federal government grinds to a halt, employees affected by the shutdown are reporting a dramatic shift in job

They were told to align chakras. HAL misheard it as "charge cars." Chaos ensued. Scene 56: Skipper and HAL Try Tantric Charging at a Techno-Spiritual RetreatWelcome to Lotus.exe: Where Tantra Meets

ICE to Meet You: Superman Returns to Deport Villains in Skinny Jeans and Sanctuary Cities Superman Joins ICE: Liberals Cry, Borders Strengthen In a bold act of unapologetic patriotism, SUPERMAN, once America’s

App Features a Built-In Excuse Generator and Real-Time Blame Tracking Trump Launches New App "iDidNothingWrong," Automatically Deletes Regret and Posts Bold StatementsApp Features a Built-In Excuse Generator and Real-Time Blame TrackingPALM

Everyday Life & Modern Absurdities Autocorrect Apocalypse: Linguistic Study Confirms Predictive Text Now Primary Cause of Social Disasters The Digital BetrayalTech Giants Finally Admit Autocorrect Designed to Maximize Human HumiliationA groundbreaking 18-month

Caddies Trained to Say "You're Right" Instead of Offering Clubs Trump Installs "No Sorry Zone" Signs at All Golf Courses, Offenses Now Replaced with Confident ShrugsCaddies Trained to Say "You're Right"

Staffers Say Answers Now Include: "Ask Rudy," "It Was Obama," and "Fake News" Trump Installs "Blame Button" in Oval Office, Replaces Resolute Desk With Magic 8-BallStaffers Say Answers Now Include: "Ask

BREAKING: Epstein’s Estate Releases ‘Director’s Cut’ of Global Compromise Strategy Authored by the dairy farmer who once milked a confession out of a Belgian diplomat, and the tenured professor who grades

I don't usually do this, but… (proceeds to beg for likes) The Most Reluctant Attention Seekers on the Internet: "I Don't Usually Do This…" Humblebragging in the Age of ThirstThere's a new

Forest Lodge: The Royals’ Forever Home That Already Looks Temporary Forest Lodge and the Myth of a “Forever Home” When most families buy a forever home, it’s a bungalow in Swindon. When

Button Plays Recording of Trump Saying "Perfect Call!" in 5 Languages Trump Installs "I Regret Nothing" Button in Oval Office, Plays Anthem of Triumph Each Time PressedButton Plays Recording of Trump

Everyday Life & Modern Absurdities IKEA Assembly Now Recognized as Leading Cause of Domestic Arguments, Existential Crises The Swedish Torture ManualGlobal Study Confirms: IKEA Instructions Designed by Same People Who Write Airport

Responsibilities Include Dodging Blame and Blaming Dodges Trump Appoints "Secretary of Not My Fault" to Cabinet, Chooses Former WWE Referee for RoleResponsibilities Include Dodging Blame and Blaming DodgesWASHINGTON, D.C. -- In

Florida Governor goes full "Gator Wrangler" for Halloween Governor Ron DeSantis embraced Florida man lore this Halloween, showing up as the "Alligator Wrangler," complete with a sheriff's hat labeled "Free Speech

Horrible Public Wi-Fi Signal and MayhemWhile trying to send a resume, Doug connected to "FreeW1F1_4Realz." Within seconds, traffic downtown began blinking Morse code for "hire me."The GlitchDoug's laptop accessed a buried

Democrats Switch to Zionist Hardliners After 'Private Screening' in Unmarked Van Brought to you by the dairy farmer who once infiltrated an AIPAC mixer and the tenured philosopher who has never

Beatitudes Replaced with "Big-Leagitudes" Like "Blessed Are the Brash" Trump's New Bible Translation Omits the Word "Forgive," Adds Book of Winning and Epistles to the UnapologeticBeatitudes Replaced with "Big-Leagitudes" Like "Blessed

Merchandise Flying Off Shelves in Red States and Golf Courses Trump's New Motto: "I'm Not Sorry, I'm Just Winning" Appears on Billboards, Bumper Stickers, and Baby OnesiesMerchandise Flying Off Shelves in

Iranian Leader Try Razor Urged to Save Middle East – Special Report #1 Clerics argued shaving would unleash hidden Western tendencies. Khamenei's beard was spotted filing for diplomatic immunity. Trump said,

Program Also Available for Supporters Who Once Said "Maybe He Went Too Far" Trump Introduces "Presidential Pardon for Apologies," Retroactively Clears Himself of All Past Almost-RegretsProgram Also Available for Supporters Who

Hoverboard Fails "They Thought It Was Performance. It Was Actually a Mild Concussion."Jeremy Boone decided to make his morning commute more "futuristically chill" by hoverboarding the eight blocks to his co-working

Navigation System Dubbed "TRUMPWAY' Also Blocks Routes Through Blue States Trump's GPS Now Refuses to Say "Recalculating," Says "You Were Right the First Time"Navigation System Dubbed "TRUMPWAY' Also Blocks Routes Through

Aura Farming Explained: What It Is and Why Gen Z Swears by It Aura farming is the latest spiritual hustle sweeping across America, and no, it doesn’t involve tractors or dirt.

The Only Fragrance Guaranteed to Offend and Dominate in One Spritz Trump Launches "Forgive Me Not" Perfume Line, Smells Like Confidence and Lawsuit InkThe Only Fragrance Guaranteed to Offend and Dominate

President Biden wanders Halloween through decades and metaphors President Joe Biden showed up as "Grandpa Time Traveler," complete with aviator glasses, a 1960s lunchbox, and mutterings of "Back in my day…"

I'm not intense, I'm just allergic to small talk. (Asks about your childhood trauma before appetizers.) Skip the Salad, Let's Unpack Your Shame Emotional Deep Diving on a First Date"I'm not intense,

Press Briefings Now End With Finger Guns and a Wink White House Replaces "I'm Sorry" With "You're Welcome" in All Official CommunicationsPress Briefings Now End With Finger Guns and a WinkWASHINGTON,

Jimmy Lai’s Trial Branded ‘Landmark’ — Mainly Because All Other Trials Bulldozed By Annika Steinmann Court as Construction Zone The Chinese state has hailed the trial of Jimmy Lai as a “landmark event.”