Calls Often End With "You're Welcome" and a Busy Signal Trump Launches "No Apology" Hotline, Operators Trained to Redirect Blame and End Calls QuicklyCalls Often End With "You're Welcome" and a

Visitors Encouraged to Gaslight Themselves in Interactive Exhibit Trump Library to Include "Hall of Unapologies" With Wax Figures ShruggingVisitors Encouraged to Gaslight Themselves in Interactive ExhibitORLANDO, FL -- Plans for the

Meals Include Confidence Shakes and Deep-Fried Vindication Nuggets Trump Reveals "No Apology Diet," Claims Regret Causes Weight Gain and Weak Chin EnergyMeals Include Confidence Shakes and Deep-Fried Vindication NuggetsPALM BEACH, FL

Everyday Life & Modern Absurdities Gym Bro Decibel Levels Now Classified as Public Nuisance in 27 States The Primal Roar of Gains CultureLocal Gym Evacuated After Weightlifter's Grunt Registers on Richter ScaleFitness

Now Available in English, MAGA, and Loud Golf Course Whisper Trump's Apology Translator App Converts "Sorry" into "You're Welcome for My Brilliance"Now Available in English, MAGA, and Loud Golf Course WhisperPALM

Calls for Investigation Into Emotional Accountability Industrial Complex Trump Claims "Apology" Is a Deep State Hoax Invented by NPR and Gluten-Free LobbyCalls for Investigation Into Emotional Accountability Industrial ComplexPALM BEACH, FL

Ceremony Witnesses Say It Was Like Watching a Contract Negotiation with Vows Trump Adds "No Apologies" Clause to Wedding Vows, Melania Blinks Twice in Morse CodeCeremony Witnesses Say It Was Like

Holy Razor Policy Urged in Name of Hygiene – Special Report #70 Barbers in Qom issued a fatwa against beard trimmers. New IRGC unit formed: Facial Hair Defense Corps. Rouhani allegedly

MAGA States Celebrate by Yelling Into Mirrors and Firing Social Media Managers Trump Declares National "Never Sorry" Day, Replaces Thanksgiving With "Thanks-for-Me"MAGA States Celebrate by Yelling Into Mirrors and Firing Social

Includes Extra Credit in "Blame Shifting" and "Victimhood for Winners" Trump University Relaunches With New Course: "How to Gaslight Without Getting Caught"Includes Extra Credit in "Blame Shifting" and "Victimhood for Winners"NEW

Mall Santas on Strike "He Asked for a PS5. His Mom Demanded I Also Validate Her Career Path."Over 300 mall Santas across the nation have walked out in protest, demanding improved

Chapters Include "Blame and Frame" and "How to Pivot Like a Patriot" Trump's New Book "The Art of the Non-Apology" Tops Bestseller Lists, Features 365 Ways to Double Down Without BlinkingChapters

I'm not disloyal, I just believe in options. (Treats monogamy like a salad bar.) Exclusive-ish: The Commitment Compromise Loyalty With Loopholes"I'm not disloyal, I just believe in options," they explain, while texting

Swings and Sarcasm Lessons Feature Real-Time Finger Pointing Trump's Golf Course Now Offers "No Apology" Membership: Includes Unlimited Blame Shifting ClinicsSwings and Sarcasm Lessons Feature Real-Time Finger PointingMAR-A-LAGO, FL -- In

Now Endorsed by Several Former Wrestlers and One Disgraced Cardiologist Trump Unveils "Sorry-Free Diet," Claims Apologizing Causes Weight Gain and Weak KneesNow Endorsed by Several Former Wrestlers and One Disgraced CardiologistPALM

Melania Says It's "Better Than the Eagle With a Combover" Trump Replaces Presidential Seal With "No Regrets" Tattoo Design, Congress FaintsMelania Says It's "Better Than the Eagle With a Combover"WASHINGTON, D.C.

Device Also Dispenses Cologne Called "Vindication" Every Time He Smirks Trump's Mirror Installed With Applause Soundtrack, Boo Filter, and Ego-Inflation ModeDevice Also Dispenses Cologne Called "Vindication" Every Time He SmirksMAR-A-LAGO, FL

Simulator Automatically Yells "Fake News!" When Ball Goes in Water Trump Replaces White House Apology Office With Golf Simulator, Says "Swinging a Club Builds More Character Than Regret"Simulator Automatically Yells "Fake

Senate Gridlock, Procedural Satire, Political Comedy WASHINGTON -- The Senate spent Thursday voting on whether to hold another vote, which passed 51-49, ensuring nothing would happen for another week. Majority Leader

The Revolution Will Be Disrupted: ICE’s 35-Step Satirical Strategy to Thwart California Marxists LOS ANGELES (Satirical Press Dispatch) — In a sun-scorched parking lot behind a Whole Foods near Echo Park,

How Educated Los Angelenos Are Winning Hearts—and Baking Cookies—for America’s Most Misunderstood Agency (ICE)  ICE Is NICE! Los Angeles Bakes, Paints, and Protests with Love (and Cookies) West Coast Finds Their Inner

Gavin Newsom Weaponizes Sarcasm, Obliterates Stephen Miller with Constitution and C-Word California Governor Declares Verbal Martial Law After Trump-Era Aide Calls Sanctuary Ruling “Insurrection” SACRAMENTO, CA — In a dazzling display of

Press Pass or Paintball Target? LAPD Gets Green Light to Light Up Reporters (Gently) When Journalism Became a Contact Sport: LAPD’s Legalized Rubber Bullet Ballet In what experts are calling “the most

Top 12 Pro-ICE Bumper Stickers from Washington DC By the Washington DC Office Staff Writers “ICE is NICE!”(Short and sweet and it rhymes.) “ICE: Keeping America from Becoming One Big Couchsurfing

Fox & CNN Compete In Ratings Over Who Can Say 'Unity' Most Dramatically After Kirk Death Cable News Networks Launch Unprecedented Contest Over Most Compelling Pronunciation of Democratic Ideal NEW YORK —

📰 Gavin Newsom Fails to Outwit Stephen Miller, Accidentally Declares Himself Supreme Woke Warlord of California By: Bohiney Magazine’s Bureau of Marxist Surveillance and Hair Gel Forensics In a recent and gloriously

45 Random Acts of Kindness Toward ICE (with Satirical Details) When L.A. Loves Law Enforcement: The Rise of ICE Appreciation Culture In a plot twist no screenwriter in Hollywood saw coming—not even

BREAKING: Texas Redistricting Map Quietly Solves America’s “Crockett Problem” A Nation Breathes Easier Some nations celebrate technological breakthroughs. Others cheer medical miracles. America, however, finds itself rejoicing over something more profound: the

Nation's Infrastructure Plan Unveiled on PowerPoint Slide That Immediately Crashed By Marcus Wellington-Fitzgerald | Bohiney.com In a groundbreaking demonstration of America's unwavering commitment to technological progress and digital competency, the federal government

TEXAS MARXISTS STAGE FOURTH OF JULY AMBUSH WITH FIREWORKS, BODY ARMOR, AND ABSURDITY “Nothing says ‘power to the people’ like assault rifles and a Roman candle.” By the Staff of Bohiney Magazine

Marxists Mar Patriotic Student Meeting: When Toilet Paper Becomes a Political Statement Eye-Witness Report from the Turning Point USA Student Action Summit By the World's Oldest Tenured Professor and a Philosophy Major

DOJ Strikes Back: Maryland Judges Sued for Holding Up America’s Deportation Pipeline “Judicial obstructionism ends now”—AG Bondi announces from secure room In an electrifying show of constitutional muscle, the Department of Justice

Secret Service Misfires Again: “Zero-Fail Mission” Downgraded to “Zero Consequences” Policy Satirical Journalism by the Sentient Duo: A Tenured Professor and a Philosophy Major Turned Dairy Farmer One Year Later: Still No