Study Reveals That 90% of People Who Say ‘No Offense’ Are About to Offend You CAMBRIDGE, MA — A groundbreaking study from the Institute of Obvious Linguistics has confirmed what we’ve

TRANSCRIPT of KAMALA HARRIS SPEECH THE PAVILION AT STAR LAKE - August 13, 2024 [Kamala Harris steps onto the stage, greeted by a cheering crowd of zombies. She adjusts her microphone and

Capitol Investigates Soviet Flag in AOC Staffer's Cubicle — 'Just a History Project,' She Claims In what political strategists are already calling "Red October Revisited," U.S. Capitol Police are probing after a Soviet

Digital asset investor faces existential crisis after spending $300K on worthless JPEGs Cryptocurrency enthusiast Marcus Wellington experienced a profound and expensive revelation Tuesday after spending $300,000 on NFTs: art's value might

Paradise Workers Demand Showers, Boundaries, and Better Hygiene from Entitled Jihadists By: Yasmin Boom-Boom, Heavenly Labor Correspondent Paradise in Peril: 72 Virgins File Labor Complaint Over Martyrs’ “Unholy Hygiene” HEAVEN — In a

Congress Passes Civility Enforcement Act: New Law Requires Politicians to Say "Please" and "Thank You" By Freja Lindholm | Bohiney Magazine | October 13, 2025 Breaking: In unprecedented bipartisan move, lawmakers approve

When AI Took the Moral High Ground Against Kanye’s Antisemitism, Celebrities Napped AI: Fake it Till You Make It (Ethical Edition) In 2025, while Hollywood’s brightest Jewish stars were allegedly busy not

Mexico for the Mexicans: Democrats Declare This the Final Proof — "Trump Is Hitler After All" By Bohiney Magazine Staff | For Bohiney.com The Phrase That Launched a Thousand Think Pieces When a

The Top 20 Kamala Harris Jokes On Healthcare Reform "Kamala Harris's healthcare plan is so ambitious, it’s like she’s trying to turn every American into a doctor just to make sure

Gossip: The World’s Oldest (and Pettiest) Currency Gossip Is the Original Social Network Long before social media platforms turned us into dopamine addicts scrolling for virtual crumbs of attention, there was gossip—the

Maria Shriver Clings to Matthew Dowd Like It’s a Kennedy Family Tradition By Darla Freedom-Pie Magsen | Bohiney.com Satirical News Service Timing Is Everything, Unless You’re Matthew Dowd Matthew Dowd didn’t just get

Girlfriend Says She's Fine, Creating International Crisis in Boyfriend's Nervous System The Four Most Terrifying Words in English It was 7:43 PM when Ethan Thompson of Columbus, Ohio, heard the words every

Breaking: Nation's Entire Population Diagnosed with Acute Intention-Action Gap Syndrome A Public Health Crisis of Our Own Making DATELINE: THE KITCHEN, SOMETIME BETWEEN "I'LL DO IT" AND "OH, RIGHT, THAT" In a stunning

Local Chef's Recipe for Disaster: Three Banks, One Day, and a Side of Desperation When Gordon Ramsay Says "Where's the Money?" He Doesn't Mean This In what culinary experts are calling the

BREAKING: “You Won’t Believe What Happens Next!” (Spoiler: Still Nothing. But Also Maybe Taxes.) By Barbie McHonesty, Senior Satirical News Analyst, Bohiney.com The Lie That Launched a Million Clicks WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a

Wahhabi Think Tank Accidentally Rediscovers Joy, Promptly Declares Jihad on It Scholars Discover Emotion During PowerPoint, Panic, and Attempt to Ban Smiling in All Time Zones By: Imran Dullnoy, Senior Analyst in

💔 Report: 87% of Couples in Matching Costumes Still in Denial About Breakup Imminence A new study has confirmed what bartenders, therapists, and cynical singles have long suspected: wearing matching Halloween

BOHINEY NEWS EXCLUSIVE: America Declares Perfect Ambivalence Its New Official Emotion By Staff Writer Genevive D. ShruggedSatirical Journalism for Bohiney.com Authors, Professors, and Overqualified Baristas Applaud New National Mood -- Ambivalence WASHINGTON, DC

The Greatest Marketing Scam Ever: How De Beers Convinced Men to Bankrupt Themselves Over Compressed Carbon When Carbon Got a Publicist: The Birth of the World's Most Expensive Rock Collection Ladies and

ICE Accidentally Deports Food Truck Homeland Security Confuses ‘Tacos y Libertad’ with ‘Transnational Threat’ — Latinx Community Demands Asylum for Carnitas LOS ANGELES — A Tactical Misunderstanding Wrapped in Foil How the ICE

City Slickers vs. Country Bumpkins: The Ultimate Showdown Ladies and gentlemen, gather around for the most anticipated event of the century: "City Slickers vs. Country Bumpkins: The Ultimate Showdown." This is

Iowa Park Police Declare Thirst Illegal How a 15¢ Watering Can Became Texas’s Most Dangerous Weapon By Annika Steinmann, Bohiney Magazine The Arrest Heard ’Round the Prairie Iowa Park, Texas—population 6,535 and pride levels

New Study Finds 83% of Millennials Believe Astrology Is Covered by Health Insurance By Clara Olsen | Bohiney.com Millennials Chart Their Coverage According to a new report from the Institute of Cosmic Misinterpretation,

“Operation Excalibur: Why the Federal Government Invaded a Los Angeles Park (With Horses, Humvees, and a Lot of Nothing)” By the Satirical Staff of Bohiney Magazine All trauma simulated. All logic federally

Microsoft Lawyer Gets More Political Attention Than Latest 'Avatar' Movie Redmond, WA — In a cultural shift that would make anthropologists weep into their research notes, a mid-level Microsoft corporate lawyer has

Men Trade in “Woolen Tanks” for Feathery, Climate-Friendly Knits A Nation Divided by Knitwear In a world once dominated by thick, burly sweaters—garments so dense they could absorb an entire Arctic expedition’s

Trump and Cruz Promise Legislation to “Keep Texas Texas” A Populist Promise to Preserve Texas Traditions: Salsa, Barbed Wire, and the Alamo By Lone Star Loretta, Texan Heritage Correspondent AUSTIN, TX—In a rally

Minnesota Sued for Being Too Nice — DOJ Demands It Stop Offering Comfort and Sanctuary By Ingrid Falk | Bohiney Magazine The Department of Justice filed an unprecedented lawsuit today accusing Minnesota of "weaponizing

If Congress Were Marriage Counselors, Every Session Would End in Divorce Papers By Coed Cherry, Bohiney Magazine Congress: America's Dysfunctional Marriage Counselor If Congress were a marriage counselor, every session would end in

Subject: Coverage Guidelines — Annunciation Catholic School Shooting From: Editorial Standards & Narrative Shaping Committee To: All Reporters, Copy Editors, and Junior Obfuscators 1. Language Discipline Under no circumstances should reporters use the word

Texas, We Hardly Knew Ya — But WalletHub Does, Buckle Up They say everything's bigger in Texas. Now, thanks to WalletHub, apparently everything's also more sinful. According to a recent study, metro areas

Local Man's First Date Goes Exactly As Predicted by Everyone Except Him Area Romantic Somehow Shocked When Awkward First Dates Strike Again By Annika Steinmann | Bohiney.com Staff Writer DENVER, CO — In

The Old Pond (Now Sponsored by Lockheed Martin): A Poetic Dystopia Disguised as Nature by the Editorial Moss Unit at Bohiney.com Linking Poetry to Pentagon Contracts Since 1947 The Poem of the Week The