Disney Announces New Princess Who’s Just Tired of Everything

Her Magic Power? Boundary Setting.

By Sigrid Bjornsson | Existential Animation Bureau Chief | Bohiney.com

BURBANK, CA — In a bold departure from tiaras, talking animals, and problematic royal bloodlines, Disney has announced its newest animated princess: Princess Ennui of the Kingdom of Whatever.

Unlike her predecessors who sang to woodland creatures, ran barefoot through magical forests, or sang inspirational songs about finding themselves, Princess Ennui has opted out. Of everything. She’s over it. And she’s not afraid to tell you. Or your enchanted teapot.

“Her special power is not bursting into song,” explained executive producer Rona Deluge. “It’s setting firm emotional boundaries while remaining visibly unimpressed by magic. That’s where the market is right now.”

Princess Ennui will headline Disney’s next animated feature, Whatever Forever, described as “Frozen meets Daria meets a prescription for SSRIs that hasn’t kicked in yet.”

Meet Princess Ennui: Royal by Birth, Apathetic by Choice

Born to King Ambivalence and Queen Low Expectations, Princess Ennui is first introduced staring directly into the camera, saying, “Don’t expect a musical number. I have dry mouth.”

She wears a bathrobe fashioned from recycled Disney merchandise and a crown that keeps slipping off because she “refuses to posture for structural symbols of inherited hierarchy.”

The official character bio reads:

“Ennui, 17, suffers from chronic realism. She’s been prescribed a therapist, a weighted blanket, and a support lizard named Susan. Her royal decree? Everyone stop asking her to feel grateful.”

Her sidekick, Doompuff the Emotional Support Possum, has anxiety-induced narcolepsy and narrates large portions of the film through internal screaming.

Plot Summary (Loosely)

In Whatever Forever, Princess Ennui is told she must save her kingdom from a vague threat described only as “Impending Shitstorm.” Her parents beg her to marry a boring but chiseled prince from the Kingdom of HyperProductiva. She declines with a soft grunt and a legal statement titled “No Means Get Lost.”

Instead of journeying on a heroic quest, Ennui walks to her room, opens a Costco-sized tub of hummus, and begins journaling under a weighted blanket printed with the phrase “Please Do Not Perceive Me.”

By Act III, she’s legally emancipated from the narrative arc, starts a podcast called “Sad But Boundaried,” and refuses to accept the hero’s call, which forces the kingdom to resolve its issues through decentralized therapy circles.

What the Funny People Are Saying

“I love this for her. Disney finally made a princess who doesn’t need a prince, just space.” — Amy Schumer

“This is the first Disney movie where the heroine says ‘I’m not in the emotional bandwidth for a redemption arc today.’” — Jerry Seinfeld

“She doesn’t sing ‘Let It Go.’ She sings, ‘Let It Rot.’” — Ron White

“Finally, someone who defeats evil by ghosting it.” — Wanda Sykes

Magic Powers: The Anti-Enchantment Enchantment

Princess Ennui’s powers include:

• Automatic Disassociation: Can tune out villains, marriage proposals, and musical cues.

• Passive-Aggressive Weather Manipulation: Causes overcast skies when micro-aggressed.

• Invisibility Cloak of Emotional Labor: Becomes unseen when someone starts venting without asking first.

• Forcefield of ‘Not Today’: Deflects unsolicited advice, optimism, and enchanted suitors with dreams of reforming her.

Ennui’s most powerful weapon is her stare: a withering glare capable of reducing a dragon to a therapy session.

The Inspiration: Gen Z and the Rise of the ‘Tired But Trying’ Heroine

“We created Ennui based on focus group data and TikTok,” said creative lead Flora Denton. “Today’s youth don’t want a heroine who overcomes adversity by believing in herself. They want one who wakes up, reads the news, and says, ‘No thanks.’”

Disney confirmed that they pulled from recent hit characters who scream softly inside while smiling outwardly, like:

• Luisa from Encanto, who sings about her back pain and mental collapse in “Surface Pressure.”

• Elsa from Frozen, whose idea of joy is exile and anxiety snow.

• Mirabel from Encanto, a heroine whose only magic is staying emotionally regulated in a toxic family system.

“Princess Ennui is all of these characters distilled into one,” Denton added. “Except she doesn’t want to fix anything. And she’s unionizing the forest creatures.”

Merchandise Includes Self-Care Kits, Notepads for Canceling Plans

To accompany the film, Disney is launching a line of Princess Ennui merchandise, including:

• “Not My Problem” notebooks for writing down boundaries.

• Aromatherapy swords that release lavender when waved passive-aggressively.

• Action figures with zero articulation – Ennui doesn’t move unless it’s court-mandated.

• Soundtrack vinyl featuring 12 ambient sighs and a bonus track: “I’m Not Mad, Just Existentially Done.”

The promotional tagline?
“She’s not here to save the world. She’s here to reclaim her lunch break.”

Critical Reception (Leaked Early Reviews)

Variety:
A masterclass in minimal effort. Ennui is the princess we didn’t know we needed because we were too tired to want anything.

The Atlantic:
Finally, a heroine who has both clinical depression and healthy boundaries. Progress.

Fox News:
Is Disney indoctrinating our daughters into the cult of mediocrity?

NPR:
Ennui dismantles the toxic optimism-industrial complex with stunning grace and a single raised eyebrow.

Villains Are Exhausting Too

The film’s villain, Duke Smilenstein, is a toxic positivity influencer who arrives mid-film chanting “Happiness is a choice!” Ennui vaporizes him by offering a Google doc of peer-reviewed studies on depression.

Another enemy, Baroness Busyness, tries to convince Ennui to fill every hour of her schedule. Ennui fends her off with a “No Thanks” sticker and six to eight hours of uninterrupted journaling.

In one scene, the final boss tries to cast a spell called “Forever Grateful.” Ennui blocks it by muttering, “I don’t owe anyone my energy,” and slapping on a therapy co-pay invoice.

Soundtrack Highlights

• “I Dreamed a Nap” – lullaby about skipping brunch and prioritizing REM cycles.

• “No is a Sentence” – sung softly while staring at her reflection.

• “Just Vibe, Don’t Fix Me” – co-written by three burnt-out therapists.

• “Hummus in the Moonlight” – Ennui’s snack-fueled cryballad.

All songs are under 90 seconds to respect attention spans.

Fan Reactions: Finally, Someone Who Gets It

The announcement sparked wild celebrations on Reddit’s r/disneydisenchantment and TikTok, where creators began roleplaying Princess Ennui turning down plotlines:

“POV: You’re a talking squirrel trying to get Princess Ennui to care about the enchanted forest and she just gives you a $20 and says, ‘Figure it out, Todd.’”

Another viral tweet read:

“Disney really made a princess who’s one microaggression away from moving to Iceland and ghosting her lineage.”

One fan called her “the poster child for strategic emotional withdrawal.”

Another commented, “She has no prince, no horse, and no WiFi. Honestly? Goals.”

A Royal Family of Underachievers

Her father, King Ambivalence, once led a crusade but got distracted by a sudoku puzzle.

Her mother, Queen Low Expectations, frequently tells villagers: “Don’t try too hard, just show up emotionally hydrated.”

The royal family crest is a pigeon mid-shrug with the motto: “It’s Fine.”

Marketing: “Come Watch Nothing Happen”

Early trailers feature Ennui sitting in her therapist’s office, whispering:

“My trauma arc is none of your business.”

The trailer ends with a cat knocking over a magical chalice and Ennui muttering:

“That’s tomorrow’s mess.”

Disney Therapist Warns: Princesses May Be Overbooked, Underhydrated

In a confidential scroll leaked from the Kingdom of Burnout, Disney’s in-house therapist Dr. Darlene Wishbone issued a formal diagnosis: princesses are suffering from chronic over-scheduling and severe hydration neglect.

“Most of them haven’t had a sip of water since the second act,” said Dr. Wishbone during a press conference held inside Belle’s old library. “They’re expected to fight villains, lead revolutions, perform three ballads, and still have time for emotional healing. It’s absurd.”

According to her findings, Ariel has been surviving on saltwater and anxiety, while Tiana reportedly schedules her nervous breakdowns between gumbo shifts.

Wishbone recommends that future storylines include hydration arcs, scheduled downtime, and at least one scene where a princess says, “No, I can’t save the kingdom today. I’m exfoliating.”

Disney executives have responded by rolling out “Magical Sippy Cups” in upcoming films and introducing “Nap Montage Sequences” scored by Billie Eilish.

A change is long overdue. As Dr. Wishbone put it: “If Snow White had just taken 20 minutes to journal and hydrate, she might’ve seen that apple situation coming.”

Luisa from Encanto Diagnosed With Existential Overfunctioning

In what experts are calling the most overdue diagnosis in animated history, Luisa Madrigal has officially been diagnosed with “Existential Overfunctioning Disorder” (EOD) — a syndrome marked by excessive strength, chronic eye-twitching, and the belief that personal worth is determined by how many donkeys you can stack.

The diagnosis was delivered by Dr. Margarita Softknees, Encanto’s only therapist not trapped under a mountain of generational guilt. “Luisa doesn’t just carry physical burdens,” Softknees said. “She’s emotionally shouldering a village, three siblings, and the emotional repression of 14 aunts.”

Symptoms include lifting architecture during emotional breakdowns, fear of appearing weak while sobbing in private, and singing bangers like “Surface Pressure” instead of seeking therapy.

Disney has confirmed that Luisa’s sequel spin-off, “Luisa: I’m Putting the Damn Boulder Down,” will focus on her healing journey, journaling under waterfalls, and learning to say, “That’s not my responsibility, compadre.”

When asked how she felt post-diagnosis, Luisa responded, “I cried and it didn’t even cause a mudslide. Progress.”

Elsa’s Ice Castle Revealed to Be Metaphor for Emotional Avoidance

Architects and therapists agree: Elsa’s iconic Ice Castle is less a royal retreat and more a frosty fortress of emotional detachment.

The discovery was made by renowned Disney psychologist Dr. Philomena Frostbite, who visited the location with a team of trauma-informed songbirds. “Each crystal spire represents a repressed emotion,” she explained. “And the grand staircase? Classic flight response.”

While initially thought to symbolize independence, the Ice Castle has been reclassified under the DSM as ‘Avoidant Attachment Structure, Type-A Frosted.’ Interior features include:

• An echo chamber for anxious monologues

• Self-scooping isolation benches

• No thermostat — because feelings aren’t allowed

Elsa, who once sang “Let It Go,” has reportedly begun whispering “Let’s Talk About It” into snowflakes during therapy sessions.

Disney plans to remodel the castle into “Elsa’s Center for Reframing Cold Emotions,” complete with cozy throw blankets and emotionally available reindeer.

Fans support the change. One viewer wrote: “I always thought it was odd how Elsa built a giant, freezing tower when she clearly needed a support group and some tea.”

Talking Teapot Says She’s Retiring, Cites Lack of Boundaries

Mrs. Potts, the beloved anthropomorphic teapot from Beauty and the Beast, has formally announced her retirement, citing “decades of unpaid emotional labor and an alarming lack of personal boundaries.”

In a press release steeped in chamomile and rage, Mrs. Potts confessed: “I raised a cursed man-child, served tea to intruders, and sang lullabies to traumatized candles — all while being ceramic. It’s too much.”

Experts estimate she’s poured over 4,000 gallons of unsanctioned hospitality while suppressing burnout, rage, and a chronic chip on her spout.

Her decision follows a growing movement among enchanted objects advocating for work-life balance. Lumière is reportedly unionizing, while Cogsworth demands to “clock out for real.”

Mrs. Potts is now opening a wellness retreat called “Steep Yourself: Boundaries & Brews,” offering therapy-infused herbal infusions and nightly affirmations like “You are not your master’s trauma.”

When asked if she’ll miss the castle, Mrs. Potts replied: “I’ll miss Chip. I won’t miss cleaning up after another royal tantrum served on a doily.”

Enchanted Mirror Calls Princess Out for Self-Sabotage

In an unexpected act of self-awareness, the Magic Mirror from Snow White has turned his gaze inward — and then right back at the princess.

During a recent morning consultation, the mirror interrupted its usual flattery to declare: “You’re not the fairest. You’re just afraid of being the most vulnerable.”

Snow White was reportedly shocked and moisturized, having just exfoliated for what she assumed would be another affirmation session.

“Your people-pleasing is not kindness, it’s a trauma response,” the Mirror added. “Try saying no once without smiling. I dare you.”

Since the incident, the Mirror has enrolled in a boundary coaching program and is now offering guided reflections titled “Mirror Work That Isn’t Just About Your Pores.”

Snow White, currently grappling with codependent tendencies toward woodland creatures, is said to be “in dialogue” with her inner child and limiting mirror time to 15 minutes per day.

In related news, Prince Charming has begun couples therapy… alone.

New Prince Refuses to Save Anyone, Just Wants to Make Soup Professionally

Disney’s newest male lead has shocked kingdoms and marketing departments alike by refusing to rescue, woo, or vanquish anyone — instead, he’s pursuing a career in small-batch broth.

Prince Sebastian of Simmerdale, heir to the throne and part-time line cook, has declared that he is “done with swords, dragons, and toxic masculinity” and wants to open a farm-to-table gastropub called ‘The Ladle Lounge.’

In his debut scene, instead of slaying a monster, he calmly says, “Have you tried adding rosemary and minding your own business?”

He specializes in emotional stews and identity roasts, and his signature dish — “Not Everything Is About You Bisque” — recently went viral on FairyTaleTok.

Disney executives admit it’s risky. “He doesn’t sing, he doesn’t dance, and he doesn’t want to be anyone’s redemption arc. But he makes a hell of a mushroom consommé,” said one animator.

Critics are divided. One wrote: “Finally, a prince who won’t save me but will validate my feelings over bone broth.”

Prince Sebastian’s love interest? A demisexual forest witch who works weekends at a crystal co-op. Together, they agree to not fix each other. Just season to taste.

France Declares Cultural Emergency Over Non-Baguette Princess

France, long considered the cultural cradle of good taste, has formally declared a Cultural Emergency after Disney’s new princess, Zöngbärëlla, was revealed to have never once held a baguette.

“C’est la fin de la civilisation,” sobbed Minister of Culture Amélie de Fromage into a Camembert wheel.

Unlike Belle, who read books and lived in a charmingly dysfunctional castle with magical crockery, Zöngbärëlla communicates with algae through aquatic breathwork and only consumes cloud-based nutrient puffs — “gluten-free by metaphysical necessity.”

French schoolchildren staged mass protests, hoisting signs reading “NO BAGUETTE, NO BALLAD” and demanding a return to traditional princess values: moping, singing, and bread-based flirting.

The Académie Française quickly convened an emergency meeting, recommending Disney be fined 47,000 euros and required to air three Gérard Depardieu movies as reparation.

“Zöngbärëlla is less ‘princesse’ and more ‘weird neighbor who talks to mist,’” said famed Parisian philosopher Jean-Paul Snackre.

Tourists are warned: the Eiffel Tower is now draped in mourning brioche, and at least one mime has locked himself in an imaginary tower until the situation is resolved.

Meanwhile, Disney’s European marketing team has rebranded Zöngbärëlla for French audiences as “Princesse Croissantella,” promising she will adopt a sentient baguette sidekick voiced by Marion Cotillard.

French morale remains low — experts predict a 14% rise in sarcastic cigarette consumption.

Putin Says “Real Princesses Build Nukes, Not Safe Spaces”

Vladimir Putin has officially weighed in on Disney’s latest cultural contribution, calling the new princess “a marshmallow with a pronoun problem.”

In a surprise press briefing held shirtless atop a reindeer, the Russian president accused Disney of “softening the global youth” and “spreading scented cowardice through animated propaganda.” Putin was reportedly furious after learning the new princess’s only defense mechanism is manifesting boundaries while radiating calming chakra waves.

“In Russia, our princesses fight bears, forge iron, and moonlight as submarine engineers,” said Kremlin spokesperson Sergei Boomnikov. “This one journals and breathes through her bellybutton.”

As retaliation, Russia is launching its own animated franchise: “Nukelena: Warrior of the Frost Frontier,” a no-nonsense tsarina who rides a tank powered by heartbreak and shoots laser-guided justice from her stern glare.

“She bakes pirozhki while dismantling Western hedonism,” Boomnikov boasted. “And she can deadlift Crimea.”

Meanwhile, Moscow cinemas have begun boycotting Disney films, replacing them with old surveillance footage scored with Tchaikovsky and narrated by grumpy cosmonauts.

Online, Russian teens are mocking Zöngbärëlla with viral memes showing her hugging enemies into submission while crying lavender tears.

Disney responded diplomatically, saying, “We celebrate all kinds of strength — even the pastel, introspective kind.”

Russia responded by building an emotionally fortified snow princess who only eats raw onions and refuses to feel feelings.

Kenya Offers Disney Rewrite Where Princess Wrestles Hyenas

Kenya has officially rejected Disney’s new princess, declaring her “too fragile to survive a Tuesday in Nairobi.”

The Kenyan Ministry of Cultural Swagger proposed a rewrite featuring Princess Nyarai, a fearless warrior raised in the savanna who earns her crown by wrestling a pack of hyenas during a sandstorm — all while reciting proverbs and braiding her own armor.

“We appreciate inclusivity,” said Minister Jomo Twendekazi, “but what child learns resilience from a princess who panics when the tide shifts her crystals?”

Instead of a magical hummingbird sidekick, Princess Nyarai is accompanied by a sarcastic warthog named Oduor, who gives unsolicited dating advice and keeps hyena pelts in a pouch “just in case.”

In Kenya’s version, there’s no emotional retreat — just lion taming before breakfast and school fees paid through tribal dance competitions.

“The only mist we recognize is the one caused by real sweat,” said Nairobi matriarch Mama Chikwe.

Disney reps offered to compromise by letting Zöngbärëlla train at a wildlife conservancy, but the Kenyan writers rejected it: “She’s one lion away from a spiritual collapse.”

Social media in East Africa exploded with fan art showing Princess Nyarai bench-pressing giraffes and fighting corruption in parliament with her bare hands.

In related news, Oprah has bought the rights to the Kenyan version and may voice the warthog.

Zöngbärëlla has not commented — reportedly, she’s in a guided breathwork spiral.

Bohiney Final Thoughts

In an age where burnout is the national mood and “ambivalence” is a valid lifestyle, Princess Ennui represents a new kind of royalty: the kind that doesn’t want the crown, doesn’t want the conflict, and doesn’t want to be your metaphor for growth.

She’s not rebellious. She’s overstimulated. She’s not cursed. She’s chronically underwhelmed. And she’s not here to teach your kids a moral. She’s here to lie down.

Princess Ennui. She’s just tired. And maybe that’s heroic enough.

Auf Wiedersehen, amigos.

Disney’s New Princess Sparks International Uproar: Ten Nations, Ten Translations, One Global Meltdown

World reaction has ranged from sobbing soap opera stars to radical monks self-immolating in front of EPCOT. Disney unveiled its newest princess last week — Princess Zöngbärëlla of the Floating Archipelago — a non-binary, vegan, telepathic sea cucumber hybrid raised by ethically sourced clouds.

And the world? Well, the world had thoughts.

🇫🇷 France: “C’est un escargot cosmique!”

“This princess is a cosmic snail with a trauma narrative,” declared Le Monde de Mimes, a prestigious Parisian paper published exclusively in interpretive dance. French citizens protested by eating cheese more slowly and offering sarcastic toasts.

“I liked Belle. She read books and lived in a cursed castle. That’s French. But Zöngbärëlla lives in a vapor-based gender palace and studies metaphysical linguini. That’s just brunch with Gwyneth Paltrow.” — French film critic Gaston au Fromage.

Translation for Americans:
“Too weird, not enough baguette, and where is the talking candlestick?”

🇯🇵 Japan: “プリンセスはWiFiで感情を送るの？”

“Princess transmits emotions through WiFi?!” shrieked a Tokyo Times columnist before fainting into a pile of Hello Kitty tissues.

In Shibuya, teens formed a TikTok cult in her honor, while elders blamed her for earthquakes and delayed trains.

“When I was a child, our princesses were human and sometimes turned into dragons. This one already is a philosophical dilemma.” — Japanese grandmother, possibly immortal.

Translation for Americans:
“This is not a princess. This is a haunted emoji with a moral compass.”

🇩🇪 Germany: “Dies ist kein Märchen. Es ist ein Workshop.”

“This is not a fairy tale. It is a corporate wellness retreat.” Germany responded with concern that Zöngbärëlla might be too emotionally available.

“We fear this is not a tale of adventure, but a saga of inner child healing through moss therapy.” — Bavarian psychiatrist Ulrike Freudschein.

Translation for Americans:
“Why is the castle also a therapist’s office?”

🇮🇹 Italy: “La principessa non mangia pasta?!”

“The princess doesn’t eat pasta?!” Italy was deeply offended. Riots broke out in Florence when rumors spread that Zöngbärëlla refuses carbs unless they’re consensually spiralized.

“If a Disney princess won’t eat gnocchi, how can she know love?” — angry Roman grandmother at Sunday dinner.

Translation for Americans:
“Forget magical powers, give her marinara or give her death.”

🇮🇳 India: “अरे बाप रे, अब राजकुमारियां धूप से बातें करती हैं?”

“Oh dear God, now princesses talk to sunlight?” groaned The Bollywood Inquisitor. The reaction? Half awe, half cultural whiplash.

“I thought Rani meant queen. This one is like a chakra-powered AI with a spiritual Etsy shop.” — Delhi yogi caught in a sandalwood-induced rant.

Translation for Americans:
“She’s less Mulan, more Manifestation Coach.”

🇧🇷 Brazil: “Cadê o samba, Disney?”

“Where’s the samba, Disney?” Brazilians accused Zöngbärëlla of lacking rhythm and passion. Rio’s Carnival planners threatened to twerk in front of Disneyland until a more “pelvis-forward” princess was created.

“We want curves, charisma, and maybe a jaguar sidekick. This one’s got anxiety and a moss allergy.” — Brazilian dance instructor in protest glitter.

Translation for Americans:
“This princess needs less climate neutrality and more carnival.”

🇷🇺 Russia: “Принцесса была бы лучше как метеор.”

“The princess would be better as a meteor,” wrote Pravda-ish. Putin reportedly scoffed at the princess’s backstory: raised by otters and whispered into existence by moonlight. Kremlin propagandists insisted Zöngbärëlla be replaced with a tsarina who lifts tanks and bakes nuclear muffins.

“Russian fairy tales end with lessons. This one ends with an apology letter to the planet.” — Vladislav Chekhov, retired Cossack puppeteer.

Translation for Americans:
“She’s not a princess. She’s a TED Talk in a tiara.”

🇰🇪 Kenya: “Hakuna princess hii inalia tu!”

“No worries, but this princess just cries!” Nairobi locals were baffled. Zöngbärëlla was described as “emotionally unstable but certified in conflict mediation.” Her animal companion? A hummingbird that’s allergic to joy.

“Bring back lions and bravery. This one calls a therapist because her reflection said something mean.” — Kenyan safari guide turned psychologist.

Translation for Americans:
“Can’t wait for Disney+ to drop Princess Breakdown: The Musical.”

🇨🇳 China: “她不会功夫？不行。”

“She doesn’t do kung fu? Unacceptable.” Chinese officials declared the princess “culturally neutralized to the point of gelatin.” Social media went berserk. Weibo was flooded with fan art showing Mulan shaking her head in disappointment.

“She floats instead of fighting. That’s not peace. That’s skipping leg day.” — retired Shaolin monk on WeChat.

Translation for Americans:
“Needs less meditation, more roundhouse kicks.”

🇿🇦 South Africa: “Waar is die swaard, prinses?”

“Where’s the sword, princess?” In Cape Town, critics said Zöngbärëlla was all vibes and no blade. “What’s a royal without conflict?” asked Zulu storytellers, comparing her to a slightly damp TEDx speaker.

“We need warriors. Not women who ask trees for emotional permission.” — Johannesburg drama teacher with seven cats named Beyoncé.

Translation for Americans:
“Disney gave us a plant-based influencer instead of a princess.”

Global Consensus: “WTF, Disney?”

Princess Zöngbärëlla’s world premiere has been called everything from “a daring reimagination of mythos for the era of wellness capitalism” to “a hot kombucha fart in a lace wig.”

Online backlash includes:

• #NotMyPrincess trending in 87 countries

• Thailand’s monks fasting until she learns to wield a sword

• Australia issuing a statement that simply reads: “Nah, mate.”

• Canada pretending to love her but quietly muttering, “Even we have limits.”

What the Funny People Are Saying

“Disney’s new princess identifies as a mist and communicates via interpretive hummus.” — Ricky Gervais
“She’s gluten-free, fearless, and financially solvent. A modern nightmare.” — Bill Burr
“She doesn’t sing to birds, she co-owns them.” — Ali Wong
“I liked princesses with dragons. Now they have mood boards.” — Dave Chappelle
“Even the witch gave up trying to curse her. Too many boundaries.” — Trevor Noah
“I think she blocked me on Instagram for asking if her magic orb was Bluetooth-enabled.” — Sarah Silverman
“When I was young, princesses wore gowns. Now they wear trauma.” — Ron White
“Her love interest is a sentient rock who’s in an open relationship with time.” — Jerry Seinfeld

Final Verdict

Princess Zöngbärëlla may be the most progressive, inclusive, introspective, emotionally literate, probiotic-boosting figure Disney has ever created. And yet, somehow, she offends everyone — which is possibly the most traditional thing about her.

Auf Wiedersehen, Cinderella. The future wears hemp robes and asks for consent from clouds.