Newsroom Throws Confetti Party as Lettuce Finally Gives Them Something to Blame Trump For By Alan Nafzger | Bohiney.com Washington, D.C. — Editors at a major national newspaper reportedly wept tears of

Left-Wing Media Now Apologizes for News Before Reporting It Cable News Perfects the Art of Regretting a Headline in Real Time ATLANTA — Left-wing media doesn't report the news anymore so much as

The Perfect Chinese-American Candidate for POTUS in 2028 Meet the Man Who Answers to Nobody, Allegedly Every four years, the American electorate is promised a candidate who is "finally different," and every

CIA Admits It "Deliberately Massaged" the Presidential Daily Briefing, Charges Taxpayers $180 for the Hot Stone Add-On By the Bohiney.com National Desk — Where the Only Thing More Classified Than the

Greek Gods Applaud Visual Effects, Ask Whether Anyone Remembered the Tragedy Olympus Hosts Advance Screening of The Odyssey, Becomes the Most Opinionated Focus Group in Mythological History MOUNT OLYMPUS. The Greek gods

New York Celebrates Millionaire Diversity by Holding One Farewell Party at a Time New York State has proudly announced a bold new civic tradition: celebrating millionaire diversity by holding exactly one

Pickaxe Mountain Receives Surprise Promotion From "Suspicious Hill" to International Headline Iran Confirms Pickaxe Mountain Was Chosen Because "Nuclear Volcano" Sounded Too Obvious TEHRAN, Iran. Pickaxe Mountain, previously known only to Iranian

California Grocery Stores Replace Dairy Aisle With Helpful Flowchart Explaining Why There's No Dairy Shoppers Report That Buying Milk Now Requires Three Forms of ID, a Recycling Minor, and the Patience

Federal Reserve Introduces 'Move Fast and Break the Monetary System' Initiative The Federal Reserve announced this week that it is officially rebooting itself like a struggling Silicon Valley startup, complete with

Former Warren Volunteer Attends Ayatollah's Funeral After Discovering American Freedom Wasn't Oppressive Enough Privileged progressive travels to Iran to praise the sort of government that would arrest privileged progressives BOHINEY NEWS SERVICE

Trump Ranks #1 On Iran's Kill List, Says He'd Rather Be #1 On TikTok Somewhere between a NATO photo op, a six-day funeral, and a plane that apparently changes its mind

White House Confirms Genius Plan To Confuse Iran Was Also Confusing To Everyone Else In a stunning display of strategic clarity, the White House this week revealed that the President's mysterious

Local Marxist Determined To Find a Way This Was Trump's Fault, Eventually Succeeds Seattle — Belgium beat the United States 4-1 in the Round of 16 on Monday night, a scoreline

Contractor Explains Gravity Has Become Increasingly Difficult to Work With Developers Insist Buckling Beams Are "Premium Flexibility Features" as Midtown Tower Experiments With Becoming Shorter Midtown Manhattan — Panic briefly interrupted Manhattan's

NATO Summit: Ankara Discovers Diplomacy Works Best on Mute Turkish Capital Hosts World's Most Expensive Guessing Game ANKARA, Turkey — The annual NATO summit opened this week with its traditional exchange of

Taylor Swift's Wedding Left Guests Wondering Why They Were Invited — Source By now you've heard the reports: celebrity outlets describe a wedding so exclusive that even the guests seemed a little confused

Rain Delay Declared Greatest MARXIST Victory EVER! WASHINGTON, D.C. — Democrats reportedly spent several glorious minutes celebrating what party strategists described as "the greatest REJECTION of Donald Trump since the mute button

Worst Wedding EVER!!! Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce Turn Madison Square Garden Into a Tacky $20 Million Fever Dream New York City briefly lost power to several city blocks on Thursday

Top 10 "Tacky" Things That Definitely Happened at Khamenei's Funeral Blasphemy inspired by recent news coverage. This is farcical comedy, not a Quran-based account. When a State Funeral Turns Into a Circus

Peace Talks Postponed: State Department Discovers Nuclear Diplomacy Has Bereavement Leave Too WASHINGTON — Somewhere inside Foggy Bottom this week, a calendar invite went out that read, roughly translated from Diplomatic into

FIFA Suspends Balogun for Recklessly Attempting to Play Football VAR Announces Soccer Too Exciting, Immediately Removes Best Player SANTA CLARA, CA — FIFA officials confirmed Thursday that U.S. striker Folarin Balogun has

Senator Discovers Campaign Expenses Are Much Easier to Explain Before Someone Starts Asking Questions Arizona Lawmaker Allegedly Learns That "Official Business" Is the Most Flexible Phrase in Washington WASHINGTON, D.C. — Political scientists

Zohran Mamdani Explains Israel Again: City Requests a Refund New York City has weathered blackouts, transit strikes, and a rat that briefly ran for city council. But nothing has tested the

Texas Introduces "Assimilation Olympics," Awards Gold Medal for Eating Barbecue and Arguing About College Football JOSEPHINE, Texas — Texas officials have spent the better part of two years investigating a proposed housing

Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce Photographed Walking, Nation's Productivity Collapses Another 12 Percent Experts Confirm America Has Officially Replaced the Bald Eagle With Celebrity Couple Photos The first new public photos of

Democrats Send Party to Veterinarian After Discovering Colony of Political Parasites Experts Recommend Deworming, Flea Shampoo, and a Quiet Afternoon With Adam Smith WASHINGTON, D.C. — Panic swept through Democratic circles this

LOS ANGELES, CA — The Los Angeles City Council voted 10-5 to advance a charter measure that could allow future city leaders to permit noncitizen voting in local elections, including municipal

Most Immigrants Bring Lunchboxes, One Guy Brought a Regime Change Starter Kit Man Mistakes America for an Escape Room Where Overthrowing the Government Is the Bonus Level OMAHA, Nebraska – Immigration experts confirmed

Intelligent People Change Their Minds: Families Demand Refund Psychologists Confirm Intelligence Often Looks Suspiciously Like Confusion AUSTIN, Texas. America's highly intelligent citizens are under increasing scrutiny after researchers revealed that two of their

California AB 1955 Ruling: New Rights Beat Fixing Potholes Sacramento reportedly bets a fresh pronoun committee will pull voters' eyes off rent, gas, and an egg that now costs what a

Trump Prepares For International Curtsy Crisis As California, Canada And Buckingham Palace Dispute Ownership Of One Five-Year-Old White House Officials Fear Princess Lilibet May Trigger First Anglo-American Etiquette Emergency Since Someone

Sports Journalists Discover Silent Protest Is Only Beautiful When It Agrees With Them Media Veterans Forced to Consult Emergency Flowcharts After Athletes Use Wrong Kind of Silence NEW YORK – America's sports

The People's Cup: Socialist Soccer Where Nobody Wins A Satirical Extended Analogy About Merit, Incentives, and the Beautiful Game — or, The People's Cup Final: A Soccer Match Where Everyone Wins,