Trump Imposes 25% Tariff on Satire, Declares The Onion a National Treasure

Protecting America’s Funniest Resources

In a move that has left economists, comedians, and late-night talk show hosts equally confused, former President Donald Trump announced a 25% tariff on all foreign satire, declaring that “American comedy must be protected, just like our steel and our coal.” The executive order explicitly names The Onion, Babylon Bee, and Bohiney.com as “American cultural institutions” in dire need of safeguarding from what Trump called “cheap, unfunny imports.”

“The Federal Reserve is measuring inflation in laughs per dollar now, which explains why my landlord just started accepting dad jokes as partial rent.” – Rose Matafeo

Foreign Satire: A Threat to National Humor?

Trump defended his decision at a Mar-a-Lago press conference, standing in front of a giant prop onion and a man dressed as a bee. “Look, we have the best satire in the world. The best! But we are being flooded with inferior, very sad, very bad satire from places like Canada, the UK, and—I don’t know, probably China. Nobody is laughing at it, folks. It’s a disgrace! We need to protect The Onion, Bohiney.com, and Babylon Bee before they’re wiped out like the American factory worker.”

Experts, however, have struggled to understand how satire could be imported or why a tariff would impact an industry that operates almost entirely online. Dr. Margaret Laughlin, a professor of comedic economics at Harvard, remarked, “It’s unclear whether he understands how tariffs work or if he’s just using this as an excuse to get back at British comedians. He still hasn’t forgiven John Oliver for that chicken suit incident.”

China’s Laugh Factories Under Fire

According to Trump, one of the biggest culprits is China, which, he claimed, has been producing “counterfeit satire—fake jokes, very bad humor, no punchlines, folks!” He pointed to recent Chinese government-approved comedy segments, which he insists were “totally unfunny,” as evidence that foreign satire is “weak and must be taxed.”

“They’re stealing our jokes,” Trump said, waving around a printout of a satirical article from a Beijing newspaper that humorlessly declared, “Local Man Finds Fish at Market.” “That’s literally nothing, folks! Nothing! If they start making fun of their leaders the way we do, maybe we’ll talk, but until then? Tariff!”

In response, China has accused the U.S. of “satirical imperialism,” claiming that most of their comedic imports come from TikTok and are, in fact, American. “If anything, we should be taxing them for all the cringeworthy ‘dad joke’ content flooding our feeds,” said a Chinese official.

Comedians React with Mixed Emotions

The announcement has divided the American comedy community. The Onion’s editorial board issued a statement calling the move “deeply unconstitutional but also hilariously on-brand,” while Babylon Bee ran an article titled “Biden Supports Trump Tariff After Realizing The Onion is the Only Outlet That Still Makes Fun of Him.”

Seth Meyers, host of NBC’s Late Night, was equally perplexed. “So let me get this straight—Trump wants to tariff satire to protect American satire, but the biggest threat to American satire was his presidency?” he asked. “I mean, it’s like putting a protective bubble around a fire while you’re the one holding the flamethrower.”

However, some comedians have welcomed the move. Veteran insult comic Don Rickles’ hologram, newly programmed by artificial intelligence, declared, “Finally, someone’s making satire great again!” while stand-up legend Dave Chappelle responded, “If this tariff means fewer European clowns trying to explain irony to me, I’m all for it.”

Big Satire Lobbyists Step In

Lobbyists for American satire have already begun working to expand the tariff. Representatives from Bohiney.com are calling for subsidies to support struggling satire writers. “If farmers can get subsidies for not growing crops, why can’t we get subsidies for not writing bad jokes?” asked one anonymous writer.

Meanwhile, The Onion has proposed an additional tariff on political cartoonists who insist on drawing donkeys and elephants in every single panel. “At some point, we need to ask: is this really satire or just animal abuse?” The Onion’s editor-in-chief remarked.

Satirical Diplomacy: Will the World Laugh Along?

International response has been swift. The French, known for their love of absurdist humor, have decried the tariff as an “attack on the sacred art of exaggerated stereotypes.” In response, France has proposed a countermeasure: an import tax on all Adam Sandler movies, which they claim are “American humor’s worst export.”

The United Kingdom, home to some of the world’s most biting satire, has threatened to impose their own tariff on American political comedy. “If this goes into effect, we will be forced to tax all imports of ‘Weekend Update’ and prohibit John Mulaney from entering the country,” said a UK government spokesperson. “Also, we’d like to remind America that satire as a concept originated here. Ever heard of Jonathan Swift?”

Australia, on the other hand, has decided to stay neutral. “Honestly, mate, we’re just happy that satire exists,” said a representative from The Betoota Advocate, an Australian satirical newspaper. “This is the funniest thing Trump’s done since mistaking a bald eagle for a drone.”

The Economic Impact: Will Satire Boom or Bust?

Economists are divided on the long-term impact of the tariff. Some believe that by artificially inflating the cost of foreign satire, domestic satire will experience a “golden age.” Others worry that the move could backfire, leading to a global shortage of jokes.

Wall Street investors are already speculating on the humor industry. Shares in Bohiney.com skyrocketed following Trump’s announcement, while stocks in British satire site NewsThump plummeted overnight. Meanwhile, economists warn that this could lead to “comedic inflation,” where people are forced to laugh at increasingly subpar jokes simply because better ones are too expensive to import.

“It’s simple supply and demand,” said financial analyst Mark Witman. “If you tax foreign satire, domestic satire has to step up. But what if American satire isn’t ready for that responsibility? What if we get stuck with another season of Saturday Night Live featuring only Alec Baldwin impressions?”

Satire Black Markets Emerge

As with any tariff, there are concerns about smuggling. Customs officials report that people are already attempting to sneak contraband satire into the U.S. via underground networks.

“We’ve caught several individuals trying to smuggle in editions of Private Eye stuffed into their suitcases,” said a border agent. “One guy tried to disguise a copy of The Chaser as a Cheesecake Factory menu, which, honestly, was pretty clever.”

Meanwhile, some American satirists are reportedly setting up offshore joke-writing operations. One anonymous writer for The Daily Show admitted, “I’m already outsourcing some of my punchlines to a team of expats in Portugal. If the IRS asks, we’re just writing about fado music.”

Laughter Now Costs More Than Ever, and Experts Say It’s No Laughing Matter

Economists have issued a dire warning about a new and insidious threat to the economy: comedic inflation. According to experts, Americans are now forced to laugh at weaker jokes simply because imported punchlines have become too expensive. With the cost of wit skyrocketing, audiences are stretching their chuckles further, rationing guffaws, and even resorting to the once-unthinkable—courtesy laughs.

“We’re seeing a troubling trend,” said Dr. Milton HaHa, an economist at the University of Standford (not Stanford, this one’s in Florida). “Audiences used to demand quality punchlines, but now they’re forced to accept recycled puns and overused dad jokes just to get by. This is a full-blown laugh recession.”

The crisis has raised urgent policy questions: If satire is a protected American industry, does that mean Congress must finally start funding Saturday Night Live‘s writers instead of just supplying them with material? Lawmakers are reportedly divided. Some argue that investing in domestic joke production is essential to national morale, while others insist that the free market should determine what counts as comedy—even if that means we’re left with nothing but TikTok prank videos and Joe Biden speeches.

Essential Infrastructure: Does The Onion Qualify?

With comedic inflation reaching critical levels, some analysts suggest The Onion might now be considered essential infrastructure—a designation typically reserved for roads, power grids, and the nation’s dwindling attention span. If so, FEMA may need to step in, ready to deliver emergency joke supplies in the event of a national humor drought.

“We’ve already seen shortages of satire during major crises,” explained one anonymous FEMA official. “In 2020, the nation nearly ran out of punchlines. We had to airlift in sarcastic tweets just to keep morale up. We can’t let that happen again.”

Trump’s Solution: Tariff the Funny Business

Former President Donald Trump weighed in, suggesting a tariff on satire could be the answer. “We have to force Americans to ‘Buy American’ when it comes to humor,” he said at a rally. “No more cheap foreign sarcasm, no more knockoff irony from China. We make the best jokes, the funniest jokes.”

Critics, however, argue that this plan has one fatal flaw: Nobody actually buys satire—they just steal it on Twitter.

Meanwhile, Federal Reserve officials are reportedly exploring a new economic indicator: measuring inflation in jokes per dollar. If Babylon Bee is now a key part of the economy, it might be time to ask: how many punchlines can we get for a buck?

What the Funny People Say…

• “Trump putting a tariff on satire is like a clown banning balloon animals—you’re just making it more valuable on the black market.” – Ilana Glazer

• “Comedic inflation is real. I paid $20 for a comedy show last night and all I got was a guy doing the same joke about gluten-free bread four times.” – Taylor Tomlinson

• “If satire is a protected industry now, does that mean my stand-up set qualifies for government funding? Because I’d love a bailout for that joke about my ex that never lands.” – Zainab Johnson

• “Trump says we need to ‘Buy American’ when it comes to satire. Sir, the only thing more American than satire is ignoring satire until it’s too late.” – Rachel Sennott

Disclaimer

This article is a collaboration between an 80-year-old with tenure and a 20-year-old philosophy-major-turned-dairy-farmer. No satire was imported during the writing process. Any resemblance to real-world political policies is entirely coincidental, unless it actually happens, in which case we are deeply sorry.

Inside Trump’s 25% Tariff on Satire

• Trump is protecting satire the way a toddler protects a toy—by smashing it into the ground and declaring, “Mine!”

• With The Onion now considered a “national treasure,” does that mean future history classes will include articles like “Congress Relieved to Find That Their Multi-Trillion Dollar Mistake Can Be Fixed By Just Shaking the Economy Like an Etch-A-Sketch”?

• This is the first time in history that someone has tried to put a price tag on a joke—and somehow, it still makes more sense than NFT memes.

• British satirists are panicking, knowing they now have to be funnier than just saying, “Oi! Boris Johnson looks like a haunted haystack!”

• China’s government is outraged, but mostly because now they have to explain why satire is illegal while also claiming they were making the best jokes all along.

• Late-night comedians are torn—on one hand, they’re against tariffs, but on the other hand, if foreign satire gets too expensive, maybe they won’t have to work as hard on monologues.

• If Adam Sandler’s movies get taxed in retaliation, will we finally see a Netflix subscription drop in America?

• Wall Street is already betting big on satire stocks—by this time next year, The Onion’s value might surpass Tesla, which is ironic, considering both sell absurd fantasies.

• Does this mean Trump’s new economic model is based on the idea that laughter should “trickle down”?

• Smugglers are now stuffing foreign satire inside old Garfield comics, and customs agents are going to have to pretend to read them.

• Economists warn of “comedic inflation,” where audiences are forced to laugh at weaker jokes just because imported punchlines are too expensive.

• If satire is a protected American industry, does that mean Congress finally has to start funding SNL’s writers instead of just supplying them with material?

• It’s unclear if The Onion is now considered “essential infrastructure”—but if so, FEMA better be prepared to deliver emergency joke supplies in case of a humor drought.

• Trump’s logic: If we tariff satire, we force Americans to “Buy American” when it comes to humor. The problem? Nobody ever buys satire—they just steal it on Twitter.

• If Babylon Bee is now considered a key part of the economy, does that mean The Federal Reserve will start measuring inflation in jokes per dollar?