White House Press Secretary Rebrands It: “Assertiveness Awareness Holiday”
Trump Declares National “No Apology Day,” Federal Workers Get Paid to Be Unrepentant
White House Press Secretary Rebrands It: “Assertiveness Awareness Holiday”
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In what historians are already calling “a pivot from both tradition and human decency,” former President Donald Trump has announced the first-ever *National No Apology Day*, a new federal holiday where contrition is banned and defiance is legally encouraged.
“It’s time America had a day to stand tall, say what it wants, and never walk it back,” Trump proclaimed from a podium made of recycled campaign signs and uncashed apology letters.
All federal workers are given paid time off — as long as they promise not to use the phrase “I’m sorry” within 50 feet of a government building.
The Postal Service released a commemorative stamp of Trump giving a thumbs-up over a smoldering bridge, captioned “Bridges Were Meant to Burn.”
Agencies marked the holiday with events like “Blame Shifting Bingo,” “Historical Misremembering Read-Alouds,” and a parade of bureaucrats in suits of Teflon.
Melania skipped the celebration, saying, “Apologies are personal, like marriage — optional.”
When asked if No Apology Day might backfire, Trump responded, “If it does, I won’t apologize for it — and that’s the point.”
Sources say the next holiday being considered is “Regret-Free Valentine’s,” sponsored by divorce lawyers and steak companies.
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SOURCES:
How to Be POTUS Without Reading Anything
and
How to Be POTUS Without Ever Apologizing
