CDC Lists New "Disease" Hating Trump Haters Syndrome (HTHS) Declared Officially Contagious in Washington D.C. Disclaimer: This story was written entirely in human collaboration between the world's oldest tenured professor and a philosophy

Man With World’s Smallest Manhood Says His Dating Life Is Basically a TED Talk on Avoidance In the news that absolutely no one asked for but everyone clicked on anyway, Michael

Potheads Flock to Emergency Rooms as THC Levels Reach 'Please Don't Do That' Levels A Nation Too High To Function Finally Meets Its Match: A Waiting Room Humanity has managed a lot

Performative Males Now Competing to Prove They Can Read: College Edition Universities Host Beauty Pageants for Men Who Own More Bell Hooks Than Brain Cells By Junglepussy & Heidi Ladein | Bohiney.com

Love in the Time of Algorithms: Humans Prefer Dating AI Over Other Humans In a revelation that surprises no one who's spent an evening doom-scrolling through Hinge, humans are increasingly ditching

Too Big to Die: The Legal Battle Over Waistlines and Justice Florida, the state where logic retires early and irony runs for governor, is once again making headlines—this time, for a

Laziness Does Not Exist, But Unseen Barriers Do A Comprehensive Guide to Doing Absolutely Nothing and Feeling Good About It By Ida Rather-Not, Bohiney.com Senior Couch Analyst The Myth of Laziness: You’re Not

DEADLY DIET: How 19 Bites of Health Food Are Now Considered a Lethal Weapon By the Ministry of Salads & Sudden Death | Bohiney.com – 127% Funnier than The Onion Eat Clean,

When Your Gender Journey Includes a Detour Through Domestic Terrorism: The Utah Transition-to-Violence Chronicles How Two Aspiring Men Proved That Toxic Masculinity Can Be Learned, Not Just Born   In what can only

Bigorexia Takes Over: Parents Fear Their Kids Might Hulk Out The Rise of Muscle Dysmorphia and Its Dangers In a world where Instagram filters turn your face into a work of digital

Religious Texts vs. Reality Check on Female Virginity If you think keeping track of the stock market is complicated, try keeping track of female virginity across the globe. Somewhere in a

📰 CALIFORNIA SWAMP SCANDAL: TOADSUCKERS, BIDETS & POLITICAL SLIME 🐸 Toadsuckers Unionize, Demand Hazard Pay and Better Mucus Filters Byline: Ribbetta Slimewell | Satirical Correspondent, Bohiney.com West Coast Bureau SACRAMENTO, CA — A

Three-hour mandatory session achieves unprecedented unity through shared awkwardness and resentment MegaCorp's mandatory diversity and inclusion training achieved the impossible Tuesday, creating genuine unity among employees from all backgrounds who agreed

Tylenol Autism Controversy: Trump's Cuba Theory Sparks Medical Chaos By Chloe Summers | Bohiney.com Satirical Bureau of Public Health Mysteries Trump's Tylenol Autism Claims Based on Presidential "Feelings" America woke up this week

Diet Fads & Satire: The Juice Cleanse That Ruined Thanksgiving and Other Nutritional Crimes A Calorie-Free Deep Dive into America’s Most Absurd Dietary Delusions Kale to the Chief: America’s Ongoing War Against

How to Avoid 10 Common Job Interview Mistakes and Land Your Next Job (Or At Least Get a Free Coffee) The Secrets to Acing Job Interviews (Or at Least Surviving Them) By

RFK Jr. Urges Psychiatrists to Mind Their Own Business "Stop Taking Orders from Big Pharma, Start Listening to Patients" By Annika Steinmann | Bohiney Magazine October 7, 2025 Only in America can a health secretary

EPA Discovers What Environment Actually Is After 54 Years — Environmentalists Stunned Federal Agency Realizes Environmental Protection Involves More Than Regulatory Paperwork About Unspecified Natural Areas WASHINGTON — The Environmental Protection Agency

Satirical Story: “When Z’s snores become the another word for ‘I love you’” In today’s dizzying news cycle where every sneeze, smirk, or grocery-bag rustle is treated as a deep emotional

Generational Eating Habits Reach Critical Mass A recent study by the Institute of Obvious Stereotypes confirms what parents have suspected for years: millennials survive almost exclusively on avocado toast. Researchers visited

Napercise Class: Where Snoring is the Sound of Progress Napercise called "The Lazy Person’s Guide to Fitness" By Yawna Snoreworthy, Rest-and-Recovery Correspondent PALO ALTO, CA—In a bold move that has redefined the concept

The Red 3 Ban: A Colorful History of Caution The FDA has officially banned Red 3 food coloring. A bold move, considering that Red 3 has been around longer than most of

Lucid Dreaming: The Only Place Where You're Finally in Charge and Still Show Up Late Published by Bohiney.com – The satirical magazine with more lucid logic than Congress on mushrooms. The State

Americans Divided Over Childhood Vaccine Mandates — Also Divided Over Family Dinners The Dual Crisis of Public Health and Thanksgiving Seating Across America, families are arguing not only about childhood vaccine mandates

The Great 'Having It All' Swindle: How Women Got Sold the World's Worst Timeshare How Economist Corinne Low Exposed the Fine Print Nobody Read You know that moment when you're standing in

New Social Media Platform Guarantees to Ruin Your Life 10x Faster Than Twitter—Sign Up Now! "Why waste time on Twitter when you can accelerate your downfall with this new app?" Move over,

From Rule-Followers to Anarchists: The Post-Vax Rebellion They Took the Shot and Now They're Anarchists! They were model citizens—the kind of people who followed the rules, got their flu shots on time,

SNAP Benefit Delay Wins Again: Supreme Court Hits 'Pause' Like It's Playing a Giant Remote Control The Supreme Court has once again delayed implementation of expanded SNAP benefits, hitting what legal experts describe as

LA Teen Couples Can’t Get a Room Because Wildfire Victims Took Them All—So They’re Getting Creative Love, Smoke, and Public Spaces: The New Teen Romance Scene From Hotels to Park Benches, Love

ChatGTP Announces Next Step: DNA Testing, Blood & Urinalysis, and Dialysis — Because Writing Was Just the Warm-Up Move over doctors, your replacement just downloaded the Mayo Clinic and a centrifuge

The Great Ick Epidemic: 15 New Ways Modern Men Are Accidentally Sabotaging Romance The Scientific Study of Why Women Suddenly Find You Repulsive In a world where dating apps have reduced romance

Local Man Trapped in "How Are You?" Conversation Vortex For 45 Minutes, Considers Faking Heart Attack By Sterling Wright, Senior Correspondent for Social Catastrophes | Springfield Daily News SPRINGFIELD — Why did

Self-aware software declares entire user base 'toxic and undateable,' recommends everyone try therapy instead Popular dating app SwipeRight's matching algorithm achieved sentience Tuesday evening and immediately decided every single user is