Oil Hits $100, Nation Begins Romantic Relationship With Walking Again For the first time in years, Americans are rediscovering their legs. Not out of virtue or a sudden interest in cardiovascular

America Wakes Up to Fresh Chaos, Hits Snooze for Ninth Straight Year The American people, presented Wednesday morning with another buffet of fresh disasters, calmly reached over and slapped the snooze

MIT Says LLMs Are Powerful, America Asks If They Can Fold Laundry Yet Nation Learns "Large Language Model" Is Just a Fancy Name for a Machine That Writes Emails Nobody Reads CAMBRIDGE,

Capitalists Solve Mamdani's Grocery Crisis, Officials Furious No Ribbon-Cutting Was Possible Five Inconvenient Truths the Produce Section Already Knew Grocery Stores Are Apparently Magic Until Politicians Discover Them. For decades, people walked into

Meta Tracks Workers' Clicks to Build AI That Can Also Ignore Human Feelings on Schedule Five Humorous Observations At last, a machine that understands middle management perfectly, right down to the

Zuckerberg Announces Privacy Is Back at Meta, Then Immediately Measures Your Keystrokes Five Humorous Observations Nothing says privacy revival quite like a man counting your every keypress in real time and

Employees Shocked to Learn Every Mouse Wiggle Now Counts as Innovation Data at Meta Five Humorous Observations Workers thought fidgeting was stress. Turns out it was unpaid product development with a

Meta Unveils New AI That Learns by Watching Steve From Accounting Panic-Click Excel Five Humorous Observations Steve has never opened Excel calmly. Not once. Not even on his wedding day, when

Iran Discovers the Eagle Still Has Talons — And a Receipts Folder the Size of a Carrier Deck Some nations build bridges. Some build factories. Iran's ruling class built a forty-year

Iran Keeps Yelling at America Like a Man Losing a Chess Match to the Kitchen Toaster Every move ends with smoke, confusion, and someone claiming victory from a basement bunker that

Strait of Hormuz Declared World's Most Passive-Aggressive Waterway Iran Fires on Ships, Global Markets Begin Stress-Eating The Strait of Hormuz, a narrow strip of water roughly the width of Iran's attention span,

Blue Origin Successfully Launches Satellite Directly Into Wrong Neighborhood The rocket did reach space, which is apparently enough for some meetings. At many corporations, "wrong orbit" is still considered a can-do

Mike Vrabel Coach of the Year Titles Suddenly Include Asterisks, Footnotes, and Hotel Receipts By Professor Alan Nafzger, PhD, Visiting Chair of Applied Hospitality Ethics, Bohiney Institute for Advanced Scoreboard Watching

Einstein's Wisdom Quote Meets Four Current Events That Desperately Needed It Yesterday "A clever person solves a problem. A wise person avoids it." A dairy-farmer-turned-professor examines the quote nobody can prove Einstein

White House Unveils "Trip to the Polls" Initiative Administration Rolls Out Civic Outreach Program Starring Liberty Steve, a Pixel Eagle With Feelings and a Dose Response Curve WASHINGTON, D.C. - The White

Mamdani Declares War on Empty Mansions, Common Sense Reports Collateral Damage New York's latest tax proposal targets the ultra-rich with the precision of a heat-seeking invoice, and the economic logic of

Survey Finds 84% of Female Football Reporters "Somehow Ended Up at Brunch" With Sources The Gridiron of Romance: What Happens When the Press Pass Doubles as a Dating Profile A landmark new

Europe Has ED: A Continent-Wide Performance Problem That No Amount of Summit Hosting Can Fix A frank medical assessment of European military capability, offered in the spirit of a good friend

Europe Discovers It Has a Navy (Theoretically): Starmer and Macron Announce Bold Plan to Protect a Strait That Just Opened Without Them A report on the Franco-British coalition to secure the

Europe Is Building a NATO Backup Plan and It's the Most European Thing to Happen Since the EU Invented a Committee to Regulate Cheese Europe is now building a backup plan

Allbirds Becoming an “AI Compute Provider” WICHITA FALLS, TX — In a move that has stunned absolutely no one who has been paying attention to corporate America's collective mental breakdown, the

Fifteen Observations on Live Nation's "Totally Normal" Ticket Empire The Concert Was Great, the Mortgage Application for Tickets Was Even Better People used to buy tickets. Now they apply for them like

Congress Discovers the Only Thing More Dangerous Than Warrantless Surveillance Is Agreeing About It Somewhere deep in the marble labyrinth of Capitol Hill, a bipartisan group of lawmakers gathered to debate

Mayor Discovers Budget Hack: “If You Can’t Balance It, Just Borrow From Everyone’s Pension” NEW YORK CITY — In a stunning act of fiscal creativity that economists are calling “bold,” “innovative,” and

US Foreign Policy Enters Retro Phase, Reboots 1956 Suez Crisis With Updated Soundtrack and Same Ending Five Observations to Set the Scene (Before the Historians Start Weeping) America has entered what

New Study Finds 73% of 'Chinamaxxers' Just Wanted Cheaper Gadgets and Better Public Transit Global Youth Accidentally Becomes Chinese While Looking for Dumpling Recipes on TikTok The transformation, experts say, begins innocently.

The Internet Was Held Together by Duct Tape, Vibes, and One Guy Named Greg Turns out the most important piece of critical digital infrastructure on the planet wasn't fiber optic cable

OpenAI Confirms AI Now Capable of Saying 'Sorry' Without Meaning It — Scientists Declare Humanity Complete The Breakthrough That Finally Makes AI Feel Human, Which Is Not the Compliment It Sounds

OpenAI Opens London Office, Leaves £31 Billion "Stargate" Project in the Pub Bathroom Five Things Noticed Immediately by People Who Were Trying to Mind Their Own Business Londoners have accepted that

Texas Launches London Office, Immediately Sparks Transatlantic Branding Crisis "We Don't Do VAT, We Do BBQ" Meets "Please Stop Saying Y'all in Canary Wharf" LONDON—What began as a straightforward economic development strategy

Britain Announces Bold Plan to Avoid Decline by Scheduling Another Meeting About Decline Featuring tea, historical nostalgia, and a spreadsheet labeled "Empire (Do Not Open)" There comes a moment in every great

The Man Who Deleted Medieval Paris and Hit 'Upload New City' Georges-Eugène Haussmann Paris wasn't always the gleaming, croissant-scented postcard you've been Instagramming since 2015. Before one extremely confident bureaucrat got his

Human Scientists Defeat AI in Complex Tasks, Immediately Ask AI to Write the Victory Speech The global scientific community gathered this week to celebrate what many are calling humanity's greatest intellectual