Pay Up or Shut Up: Trump Now Charging for the Right to Mock Him
Asks for $4 Million Upfront to Be Salaried, Offers “Help With the Satire” in Return
“I am the joke. I mean job. No—I meant joke.”
by The Staff at Bohiney.com — Certified 127% Funnier Than The Onion and Babylon Bee, Combined with Zero Shame and Twice the Spray Tan
In a press conference held at the Mar-a-Lago Gold-Plated Press Gazebo (also known as “the lifeguard stand that used to be Ivanka’s Lemonade Empire”), former President Donald J. Trump stunned the world by announcing that he’s “open to employment,” but only if someone pays him $4 million up front.
“I’m doing this country a tremendous favor,” he said. “A lot of people are saying—many people, not just me, but very rich people—that I should be salaried. Very salaried. But I’m not taking just any job. This is an elite hire. Like LeBron on a golf cart. You want me on payroll? Four million. That’s the cover charge. Then we can talk about salary.”
He added, “I might even help with the satire. I’m very good at satire. Some say I invented it when I made Chris Christie Secretary of Pizza.”
From Billionaire to Freelance Punchline: Trump’s Shift to the Gig Economy
Sources close to the Trump camp say the move reflects a pivot to the freelance economy.
“He’s just following the trends,” explained campaign attorney-turned-satirical publicist Rudy Giuliani, sipping gin from a bottle labeled ‘Hair Dye: Internal Use Only’. “Biden’s got student loan forgiveness. Trump wants satire loan indulgence. Pay up, punchlines.”
The news sent shockwaves through comedy circles. Writers at The Onion reportedly lit a ceremonial candle, gathered around the water cooler, and said in unison, “He knows he’s the bit now, right?” Meanwhile, staff at The Babylon Bee simply nodded solemnly and updated their spreadsheet labeled “Trump Headlines That Wrote Themselves.”
At Bohiney.com, we didn’t light a candle—we bought a new yacht.
“This man has turned satire into a subscription service,” said Bohiney.com’s editor-in-chief Bonnie Bohieny. “And you know what? We respect it. This is America. If you can’t monetize your own downfall, are you even living?”
The “Employment Entry Fee”: Trump’s Revolutionary Approach to W-2s
Trump’s proposition isn’t a salary—it’s a salary audition fee. According to the Trump Organization’s press release (written in Comic Sans and allegedly edited by Don Jr.’s sleep-deprived ghostwriter), “The Four Million Dollar Entry Fee” includes:
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A signed MAGA hat that doubles as a notarized tax shelter
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A gold-plated promise to maybe show up to work (telepathically if not physically)
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One free TruthSocial repost of your résumé
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Two original satire “punch-ups” per fiscal quarter—“optional but strongly advised”
“This is a trial balloon,” said Eric Trump, who sources claim floated into the press conference with actual helium. “Next quarter we’re launching the Trump Satire Accelerator, where writers can pay to have Dad sit near them while they work and say things like ‘that’s too smart for the public’ and ‘make it about me.’”
“I Will Help With the Satire”: A Presidential Promise or Satirical Threat?
Trump insists that if the $4 million is paid, he will offer direct creative input into future jokes about himself.
“I’ll help,” he said. “I’m a comedy genius. Like George Carlin, but if he had a resort and didn’t curse so much. I do punchlines. I do setups. I even do physical comedy. Watch me fall up the stairs like Biden—except on purpose.”
He claims he once gave Alec Baldwin a compliment after a particularly scathing SNL cold open. “I told Alec, ‘That was pretty good… for a loser.’ Then I sued him.”
Satirists are divided.
“You never invite the subject into the writer’s room,” said Satirist Laureate Emeritus of the U.S. Comedy Commission, Letitia Frumpelstein. “You don’t ask the goose to season its own foie gras. But then again, Trump’s the only guy who can plagiarize himself while ad-libbing. It’s performance art.”
Satire Subscription Services Now a Reality
In a surprising move, Trump announced that for those who can’t afford the $4 million, there is a Trump Satire Starter Kit™ available online.
Included:
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A dictionary with every word replaced by “tremendous” or “disaster”
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A felt mustache labeled “SATIRE MODE ON”
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An iPad permanently stuck on TruthSocial
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A VHS tape titled “Covfefe: The Hidden Meaning” with a mysterious blinking timestamp
“Also, you’ll get three limited-use punchlines,” said campaign consultant and part-time mime Sebastian Lint. “After that, you have to renew your sarcasm license.”
Trump’s “Comedy Consulting” Tour: Coming to a PAC Near You
In response to media criticism, Trump has announced a national tour called “Make Humor Great Again: The Roast of Reality.”
The tour will allegedly feature:
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A pie chart made entirely of actual pies
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Dramatic readings of tweets he regrets (or pretends to)
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A new stand-up segment titled “Don Jr.: Birth Certificate or Hoax?”
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Audience interaction moments like “Guess the TruthSocial Password” and “Find the Classified Document!”
“He’s taking satire back from the people,” said Trump biographer Melania’s Diary (vol. IV). “He’s not just a joke, he’s a premium joke. The Louis Vuitton of mockery.”
Aide Claims Trump Believes “Parody is Just Loyalty With Better Timing”
An anonymous aide (probably Jared, probably hiding in the gift shop) claims Trump genuinely believes parody is just a more respectful form of applause.
“He doesn’t understand satire as a threat,” said the aide. “He sees it as unpaid advertising. He once said ‘every joke is a campaign ad, if you believe in yourself enough.’”
When asked if he’s bothered by mocking sketches, Trump responded:
“I’ve been parodied more than Jesus and Mickey Mouse. That makes me immortal. You can’t spell ‘Messiah Complex’ without M-E.”
“The Onion Is Ripe for a Takeover”
There are reports that Trump offered to buy The Onion in exchange for a parking lot in Scranton and two unopened Happy Meals.
“Their humor is too subtle. Too nuanced,” he declared. “Let’s juice it up. I want stories like: ‘Trump Saves Baby Using Pure Charisma’ or ‘God Asks for MAGA Hat in Divine Vision.’ That’s what real Americans want to laugh at. Strong, confident satire. Not depressed desk-jockey humor.”
Writers at The Onion responded with a joint editorial:
“If he buys us, we’ll unionize harder than any union has ever unioned.”
Babylon Bee Conflicted, Releases Emotional Satirical Letter
At The Babylon Bee, staff reportedly held an emergency prayer-and-sketch meeting.
One headline considered but scrapped: “Trump Declares Himself Patron Saint of Irony, Demands Tithing.”
Another: “Jesus Returns, Finds Trump Squatting on Throne, Decides to Wait.”
Editor-in-Chief Calvin Hologram issued a statement:
“We love Trump. He gave us at least 78% of our material. But this satire fee thing? That’s sacred ground. We mock from afar. We do not pay to play.”
Comedy Clubs React: “This Man Just Monetized the Heckler”
Comedy clubs nationwide are reportedly worried. Trump’s fee has set a dangerous precedent.
“We used to get hecklers for free,” said Susan Wink, owner of the Laugh and a Half in Des Moines. “Now they’ll want appearance fees and a percentage of our bar tab.”
Some clubs are embracing it. Trump’s reps are reportedly in talks with Flappers in Burbank, where he’ll test out his new hour-long set:
“45 Minutes of Winning, 15 Minutes of Litigious Threats.”
The Evidence Mounts: Digital, Personal, Physical, and Slightly Orange
- Digital Evidence: A leaked PDF titled “Trump Satirical Monetization Funnel.pdf” shows a 12-step program ending in “Bill Maher weeping.”
- Personal Evidence: Tiffany Trump’s diary contains a post-it note reading “Dad’s new plan: Get paid to be the meme.”
- Physical Evidence: A receipt from Hobby Lobby for 40 pounds of glitter glue labeled “SATIRE RESIN.”
- Relationship Evidence: Ivanka told a friend: “We tried everything. He won’t stop unless we pay him. He’s like a punchline that found a lawyer.”
- Scientific Evidence: A neurologist stated, “This is the first documented case of ironium oxide—a mental compound that converts self-awareness into press releases.”
- Testimonial Evidence: Sean Hannity called it “bold,” then asked for a cut.
- Trace Evidence: Dust from the Mar-a-Lago ballroom reportedly spells “LOL” under blacklight.
Helpful Tips for Writers: Trump’s Satirical “MasterClass” Excerpts
If you enroll in Trump’s Satirical MasterClass (a free download if you pay the $4 million licensing fee), you’ll receive the following advice:
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“Exaggeration is just patriotism with abs.”
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“Irony should wear a tie, and that tie should be red.”
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“Parody is best when it’s plagiarized from your own autobiography.”
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“Satire should never be bipartisan. Pick a team and insult the other one until they cry.”
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“Metaphors are for liberals. Use similes—they’re like metaphors, but they vote right.”
What the Funny People Are Saying About Trump’s Satire Fee…
“Trump’s charging $4 million just to be salaried. That’s like tipping your waiter before he shows up and hoping it’s not Kanye in a vest.” — Ron White
“You gotta admire the guy—he turned unemployment into a subscription model. Even Netflix doesn’t have that kind of audacity.” — Jerry Seinfeld
“He said he’d help with the satire. That’s like Mr. Potato Head offering you skincare advice.” — Amy Schumer
“Trump wants $4 million just to consider a job? My ex wanted less to fake loving me for three years.” — Sarah Silverman
“Only Trump could make freeloading look like a corporate ladder.” — Larry David
“He’s offering to help comedy writers? That’s like inviting a wrecking ball to critique your pottery.” — Billy Crystal
“I don’t know if he’s applying for a job or running a Kickstarter for his ego.” — Trevor Noah
“He says, ‘Pay me four mil and I’ll be on payroll.’ Buddy, that’s not salary, that’s ransom.” — Chris Rock
“It’s official: Trump now identifies as a ‘premium joke experience.’ Next he’ll offer punchlines as NFTs.” — Ricky Gervais
“The Babylon Bee and The Onion just unionized—out of self-defense.” — Groucho Marx (from the great beyond)
“He’s not running for office anymore, he’s running a Patreon for narcissism.” — Dave Chappelle
“You pay him $4 million, and in return he ruins your jokes. That’s not comedy—it’s a pyramid scheme with hair gel.” — Ali Wong
“Trump doesn’t write satire. He lives it. The man is a walking sketch comedy show nobody auditioned for.” — Kevin Hart
Cause and Effect: What Happens if the Fee is Paid?
If someone pays the $4 million, insiders claim Trump will:
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Show up unannounced to your sketch writing meetings
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Interrupt your monologues with “better zingers”
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Demand all punchlines contain the word “tremendous”
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Replace your intern with Don Jr.
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Call every satire publication “Fake Hilarity” unless he’s featured on the cover
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Sue you for defamation, then invite you to brunch
Final Thoughts: A Nation Holds Its Breath… and Wallet
As of publication, no one has yet paid the $4 million, though Elon Musk reportedly offered Dogecoin and Kanye West sent a coupon for “Free Yeezy Therapy, Redeemable Never.”
The satirical world remains split. Some see Trump’s move as peak grift; others see it as accidental performance art; a few believe it’s an NFT come to life, powered by ego and hairspray fumes.
But at Bohiney.com, we believe in the democratic power of humor. And if Trump really wants $4 million to help with the satire? We say—
Start a GoFundMe. Let the punchlines pay the piper.
Because if satire is now a business…
America just outsourced its sense of humor to the only man who thinks the word “mockery” means “fan club.”
Bohiney Insight into Donald Trump’s $4 Million “Satire Fee”
“Pay me $4 million and I’ll let you pay me more.”
1. Donald Trump is now charging a $4 million appearance fee to become salaried. This is the first time in history someone tried to monetize the concept of employment. “I’m not just a former president,” he told an imaginary payroll clerk, “I’m a premium subscription to America.”
2. He calls it a “patriotic retainer.” That’s right—you pay Donald Trump just to make him available to be paid. If that doesn’t scream capitalism, I don’t know what does. Somewhere, a Goldman Sachs intern just got aroused.
3. Trump said if the fee is paid, he’ll “even help with the satire.” What does that mean? He’ll ghostwrite for The Onion? Do skits on SNL’s Weekend Update? Replace Trevor Noah? More likely, he thinks satire is just “fake news, but with punchlines.”
4. “For four million,” he says, “I’ll let you insult me… tastefully.” Trump’s idea of tasteful satire? “Call me orange, but not tangerine. Tangerine is weak. Weak fruit. Sad fruit.”
5. He reportedly trademarked a new slogan: “Make Humor Great Again.” It comes with a licensing fee and a cease-and-desist order to Alec Baldwin, Stephen Colbert, and your uncle who does impressions at Thanksgiving.
6. Trump’s version of satire involves standing next to a windmill and blaming it for erectile dysfunction. “They say it causes noise cancer. I say it makes your flagpole not salute.”
7. For the $4 million fee, Trump also promises “creative consulting” for your jokes: “Don’t call it a comb-over, call it executive coverage. That’s branding.”
8. He insists satire writers “need me.” Because without Trump, what would we even mock? Biden’s whisper voice? Kamala’s jazz hands? Mike Pence’s celibacy aura?
9. The fee comes with a signed NDA, a waiver of self-awareness, and three free uses of “Covfefe” per calendar year. All additional uses incur a surcharge and must be used ironically.
10. One aide leaked that Trump believes “parody is just loyalty with better timing.” He thinks The Babylon Bee is a cathedral and South Park is a news channel.
11. When asked how the money will be spent, Trump said, “On infrastructure. My infrastructure. Spray tan, shoe lifts, and gold bidets. Satirical gold bidets. We call it irony plumbing.”
12. Some donors tried to pay him in laugh emojis and exposure. He sued them for defamation, saying, “Laughing at me is not the same as laughing with America.”
13. He offered to personally teach writers how to exaggerate facts until they become platforms. “Satire is easy,” he explained, “Just make something up and pretend it’s a policy. I did it for four years.”
14. Trump proposed a Netflix comedy special: “The Art of the Spiel.” It’s 90 minutes of him trying to pronounce ‘satirical nuance’ while yelling at a Teleprompter.
15. For those who can’t afford the full $4 million, there’s now a “Satire Starter Kit” for $39.99. It comes with a red hat, a thesaurus with only the words “tremendous” and “disaster,” and a fake Twitter ban.
Auf Wiedersehen, amigos.
MORE NEWS:
Donald Trump Declares Himself Head Writer of All Late Night Shows
In a surprise announcement delivered from what appeared to be the ruins of a Cheesecake Factory, Donald J. Trump declared himself the Head Writer of All Late Night Shows in America, citing “an overwhelming sense of responsibility to improve comedy by talking more about me.”
“All the jokes are about me anyway,” Trump said while pacing in front of a smudged mirror and calling it “the best focus group.” “Fallon, Kimmel, Colbert, even that British guy they deported—I’m the entire monologue. I’m basically Lorne Michaels with better poll numbers.”
According to insiders, Trump submitted handwritten edits to The Tonight Show’s script, replacing all punchlines with “WRONG!” and drawing Sharpie arrows toward the word “TREMENDOUS.”
Stephen Colbert, when reached for comment, whispered, “We’re trapped. He’s rewritten my intro to say ‘Live from Trump Tower, it’s Colbert Time!’ and forced Jon Batiste to play the National Anthem on loop.”
Trump claims he’s saving comedy from itself. “I told Seth Meyers to ditch the glasses, go full MAGA, and add a live eagle. That’s comedy, baby.”
NBC, ABC, and CBS have all filed emergency appeals with the Writers Guild of America, begging for the right to form a “satire restraining order.”
At press time, Trump was seen pitching a sketch where Jimmy Fallon wrestles Don Jr. for tax deductions.
The Onion Opens Emotional Support Hotline for Writers Burned Out by Trump Material
In an act of journalistic mercy, The Onion has opened a 24/7 Emotional Support Hotline for writers suffering from what editors are calling “Trump Trauma Syndrome.”
“We thought the jokes would stop after 2020,” said one staffer clutching a stress ball shaped like Sean Spicer. “But the material kept coming. Every day it’s another reality-bending press release or golf cart prophecy.”
The hotline—1-800-NO-MORE-T—connects callers with trained satire therapists. Services include emergency metaphor counseling, punchline detox, and 12-step programs for writers who can’t stop using the word “covfefe.”
“We had one guy who tried to pitch ‘Trump Declares Moon a Swing State’ for the eighth time in a month,” said hotline coordinator Sheila Funch. “He was found muttering ‘the walls are tweeting’ and drawing little red hats on his coffee mug.”
Veteran Onion writer Caleb Dirk checked into the hotline after waking from a dream where Trump appointed Garfield as Secretary of Grievance.
“I used to write about fake popes and space milk,” Dirk wept. “Now all I do is rhyme things with ‘Mar-a-Lago.’”
The Onion’s HR department confirmed burnout rates jumped 900% after Trump’s TruthSocial account launched, especially after his poem titled “If I Were the Virus, You’d All Be Infected With Greatness.”
The hotline has helped. Still, some writers relapse every time Trump yells “WITCH HUNT” in all caps.
“They say comedy is tragedy plus time,” said Dirk. “But this guy has compressed the timeline into one eternal clown funeral.”
Babylon Bee Editors Attend Couples Therapy to Cope With Shared Trump Addiction
In a scene more awkward than Mike Pence at a drag brunch, editors at The Babylon Bee have checked into couples therapy—not for romantic issues, but to address their “codependent satirical relationship” with Donald Trump.
“We tried to write about Joe Biden sniffing a mannequin,” confessed senior writer Dusty Scriptures. “But halfway through, someone yelled, ‘Trump just declared Texas a banana republic!’ and we all sprinted back to our keyboards.”
Their therapist, Dr. Paula Glorp, says their addiction manifests in wild mood swings, typographical tremors, and compulsive typing every time Trump posts on TruthSocial. “They need balance,” she said. “I gave them a challenge to write a joke that doesn’t mention Trump. They cried. One just kept whispering, ‘But what about the hands?’”
Each session begins with the group collectively shouting “SATIRE IS BIGGER THAN DONALD!” while holding hands and reciting Trump-free headlines like “Local Youth Pastor Confuses Skateboard with End Times Prophecy.”
The breaking point came after a junior editor proposed a headline: “Jesus Returns, Trump Demands DNA Test.” It was the seventh day in a row.
“Even our dreams are Trump bits,” said editor-in-chief Samson Righteous. “I dreamt he baptized himself using Diet Coke and declared it a constitutional amendment.”
The Babylon Bee has reportedly installed a shock collar system in the writers’ room. Anytime someone utters the word “covfefe,” the room gets sprayed with Chick-fil-A sauce.
“We don’t hate him,” said one editor. “We just need a restraining order on his absurdity. The man is a walking Mad Libs.”
Trump Unveils Satirical NFT of Himself Dressed as Shakespeare, Holding Constitution and Golf Club
At a gaudy unveiling event held on the 14th green of Mar-a-Lago, Donald J. Trump released what he called “the most important artistic achievement since the Sistine Chapel”—a satirical NFT of himself as Shakespeare, holding a tattered Constitution in one hand and a platinum golf club in the other.
“I call it The Bard of Billionaires,” Trump announced, while a fog machine obscured his entourage of shirtless bagpipers. “Shakespeare was great, very dramatic. I’m greater. He had a feather pen; I have nuclear codes and a 9-iron.”
The NFT, minted on the TRUTHCHAIN blockchain, features a pixelated Trump dressed in Elizabethan ruffles, yelling “To build or not to build—the wall, that is!” with a backdrop of exploding Twitter logos.
The Constitution he clutches in the image appears to have ketchup stains and a signature that reads, “George Washington, probably.”
Critics called it “both horrifying and hypnotic,” while Steve Bannon wept openly, calling it “performance legislation.”
“This isn’t satire,” Trump said. “This is what satire wants to be. I am satire now. I am the satire king.”
The NFT also includes exclusive unlockables, like voice memos of Trump reciting Hamlet:
“Alas, poor Yorick. He voted Democrat. Sad.”
Each NFT sells for $399, plus a “Founding Father surcharge.” The buyer receives a commemorative MAGA ruff collar and a certificate of non-tax-deductibility.
Ron DeSantis reportedly tried to outdo the piece with a sculpture of himself as Napoleon, but it was rejected for lacking “glorious self-delusion.”
As of this morning, the NFT has already been declared a national treasure in Florida, an act Trump performed unilaterally by yelling it into a golden microphone.
Ivanka Declares Satire “Over” After Father Announces One-Man Netflix Special
In a tearful Instagram Live filmed inside a soundproof yoga pod, Ivanka Trump declared satire officially dead, moments after her father announced a one-man Netflix special titled “Trumped Up: My Life, My Jokes, My Justice.”
“It’s over,” she whispered, flanked by emergency chakra stones. “Comedy had a good run. But now Dad’s doing a 90-minute set called ‘Fake Laughs, Real Patriotism’. Nothing can survive that.”
The Netflix special, scheduled to stream from Trump Tower’s penthouse sauna, reportedly features:
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A dramatic reenactment of his impeachment using sock puppets
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18 minutes of “tight five” stand-up about the deep state
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A musical number called “Make America Groove Again” performed in a red-sequined tuxedo
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And a finale titled “Who Needs Punchlines When You’ve Got Power?”
Insiders say Ivanka begged him to reconsider. “She said, ‘Daddy, please, there’s still hope for irony.’ And he replied, ‘Irony is for broke people and college professors.’”
Netflix issued a statement saying they were “unaware the show was real” and believed the pitch was “an aggressive prank by Sacha Baron Cohen.”
Meanwhile, The Onion went temporarily offline, displaying only a white screen with the phrase: “Well. Shit.”
Ivanka has announced a personal rebrand as a silent performance artist. “I’ll be communicating through abstract poses and haunting glances now,” she said, before sitting in lotus position and whispering, “Woke up from the American Dream.”
A petition has circulated to stop the special from airing, but Trump countered with a petition of his own titled “Freedom of Jokepression.”
At time of press, the one-man special has already topped Netflix’s “Unintentional Horror” category, narrowly beating “Kanye: The Interior Monologue.”
Stand-Up Comedians Now Required to Pay Trump Royalties for Jokes That Mention Hair, Hands, or Walls
In a development that has left comedy clubs nationwide trembling in bronzer-scented fear, Donald Trump has filed a universal copyright on all jokes involving his hair, his hands, or any wall metaphors, demanding royalty payments from all stand-up comedians retroactively to 2015.
“If you’ve ever called my hair a squirrel nest or compared my hands to doll furniture—you owe me,” Trump announced from a courtroom podium built entirely of expired steaks. “You’re not mocking. You’re marketing. And I want in.”
According to the newly formed Trump Intellectual Properties Office (T.I.P.O.), comedians will now pay $5 per hair joke, $8 for hand references, and $12 for every wall gag that includes the phrase “Mexico.”
The comedy world is in turmoil.
“I had a bit where I said his hair looks like cotton candy that went through a divorce,” said comedian Lena Laughlin. “Now I have to Venmo him every time I get a laugh. This is dystopian… and somehow… on brand.”
Even open mic comics are being targeted. At least three have been served cease-and-desist napkins during sets, hand-delivered by Trump’s personal attorney, a man dressed as a tax form named Barry.
“This is about respect,” Trump insisted. “If I’m gonna be the punchline, I want the paycheck. You don’t see people joking about FDR’s legs and not paying wheelchair tax.”
In retaliation, the National Comedy Association has introduced the “Alternative Orange Reference Guide,” offering safe substitutes such as “cantaloupe general” and “mango-based lifeform.”
Rumors say Trump plans to expand the royalties to jokes about elevators, steaks, and adult sons who resemble sentient Crocs.
At press time, he was spotted outside The Laugh Factory with a jar labeled “Tip Jar: For Presidential Material Only.”